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Struggling a bit

(13 Posts)
umbongoumbongo Sun 04-Jan-15 13:22:42

I walked away from a 3 1/2 year relationship a few months before Christmas after discussing it on here and with RL friends and coming to the conclusion that it was slightly EA and he was never going to commit.

I've found it really hard as have not had a lot of support from female friends in terms of time or being invited out (I know people are busy with family stuff/kids over Christmas) but have felt rather lonely. Am struggling to get up in the mornings and with no work to go to over the holiday period have been floating around with not much to do until the afternoons when I have commitments with my horse.

My ex was seen out with some woman with kids the other day by a mutual friend and when I asked him about it said he has been seeing a friend of his sisters who also has kids (I don't have kids; he does). Am quite hurt; we had some epic messaging/arguing sessions where he said he was missing me and asking me to open up to him a few weeks ago. I did (messaging means it can't disintegrate to a yelling match so I felt happier to say what I really thought) and he refused to admit that saying things like 'I looked at engagement rings but didn't want to go through with it' (i.e. you aren't good enough for me) were hurtful. He said he is lonely and wanting company and sex so has been dating her.

I have had a few dates via Online Dating which have helped my confidence as although I have not wanted to see any of them again (nice guys just didn't get a spark) they have all wanted to see me again and after 3 years of feeling like an unattractive whale it has given me some confidence if nothing else and I don't think I'm in a place to get involved with someone again seriously (if ever). I also had a long term friend who is lovely ask me out but sadly I don't find him attractive at all.

Am feeling so tempted to have a massive rant at my ex for being such an idiot and just letting me walk away like he hardly cared. And upset that his sister has already been lining up friends for him as I spent a lot of time with his family and I still take his daughter to a sport she does every week as well as seeing him several times a week due to us sharing the horse we bought together. I know that ranting won't make a difference but right now I am feeling so resentful and like I want him to know how hurt I am by all of it. Just writing this down has helped… not sure what I'm looking for in terms of advice just hand holding I guess :-(

UncrushedParsley Sun 04-Jan-15 13:37:35

Ok. Here is my ten pennorth, fwiw. My XH richocheted into a new relationship. Indeed, announced the new intended marriage before the divorce was through, and a week after he was still holding the divorce up. Yes, it hurts. Even though he was an a****ole. I think part of me wanted to think he would pine for me, and become a lonely old man grin. Realistically, he was an abusive knob before, and wasn't going to get any better as an XH. Ring any bells for you?

Sometimes friends don't 'get' it. Some of them maybe don't want to think too closely about their own relationships, and some of them have been married since the year dot, and don't think about what it's like for you/are tied up in their own family lives. Some of my friends were really good, some not so much.

Not having the routine of work does make it harder, as you have said. Once you get back into your routine, you will feel better. I have been without Twunt for three years now, and I feel much better. It took a while. About 18 months ago, I was ready for another relationship, and met DP. We don't live together, but it works well. Like you said, it's nice to have someone not knocking your confidence, and to discover there are nice men in the world.

UncrushedParsley Sun 04-Jan-15 13:40:13

Btw. I recognise the urge to rant at the X. Indeed, I indulged myself in it a few times. It never made me feel any better, because he used to refuse to see my point of view, so it was a frustrating 'hobby'. I don't know if this is similar for you, it may be that having a rant on here is better for you, who knows grin

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 04-Jan-15 13:40:52

He is your ex, so start treating him like one. Which means disengaging and stopping being so invested in him.

umbongoumbongo Sun 04-Jan-15 13:59:27

Thank you all. Trying to stop myself crying; having a really bad day. FunkyBoldRibena it is very hard not to be invested as like I say I am still helping his kid, he still shares our horse and I will have to see him at our office unit most days until the business I work for moves premises. It's not ideal and making it hard to either move on or to yell at him as I'm trying to keep the peace as ever.

UncrushedParsley Sun 04-Jan-15 18:49:15

I think its normal to be upset for a while. It's a kind of grief. It doesn't go on forever, and gets better. Maybe need to have a think about the horse situation and taking his child to the sport? If you continue as you have been, you are not necessarily giving yourself the best chance to separate emotionally. Maybe one of you needs to buy the other out with the horse, and sports arrangements need to be changed. Not suggesting you cut ties completely with his DD but make them less often, maybe by email, or out for a coffee every couple of months or something. A way that does not have the same potential to upset you.

umbongoumbongo Sun 04-Jan-15 23:42:33

It's a little difficult as I take his daughter riding. I organised the share and the lady depends on me being there with his daughter as the pony is young and my ex is not experienced enough to deal with this safely. So if I stop taking his daughter she will lose the pony share totally.

I would like to buy him out on my horse and can afford to. He has little involvement (just a lesson once a week) and doesn't contribute other than paying insurance. He didn't help with any care over the holiday as horse had a temporary injury and he was too busy with family. It won't go down well though re buying him out. I have texted him to say that I am very angry and upset that he is getting regularly involved with someone so quickly after the whole 'I miss you' debate and especially that his sister seems to have set it up rather than it being a tenuous connection. We exchanged some texts and he asked me to phone but I said I didn't want to talk to him. It would have just ended up in yelling.

1FluffyJumper Sun 04-Jan-15 23:55:30

buy him out of the horse and suggest someone else supervises horse riding with his daughter for the foreseeable (he can pay I'm sure). You need to disengage. He was abusive and you left him for a reason. Don't get sucked in cos you're bored and missing the drama.

umbongoumbongo Tue 06-Jan-15 02:30:27

Well the debacle continues. Apparently I am 'emotionless' and that is why he never stopped me trying to leave. He 'wants me to admit that I want him to ask me back' (I left him…) The reason I was emotionless was because 3+ years of NOTHING changing in our relationship after all the promises of moving, marriage etc and the fact that all he did was moan at me and put me down I just gave up. I can't keep being positive with someone in that situation. I had a terrible, terrible relationship before this one where I was hurt greatly by the man I was with (which he knows about) and I know it has affected my ability to trust to some extent but it is like he has blamed that for making me close up about things when actually I need someone not to yell at me and tell me I've got the problem to be able to talk about it.

How can you be secure with someone who makes out to everyone that he is such a lovely nice guy (he tells me this ALL the time about how great and loyal and respectful he is) but never accepted me into his home or made me feel it was a shared space? I left my own house to move in with him but he tried to make out he was some sort of saviour to me.

I said if he'd have talked to me in a more respectful way and made me feel wanted then maybe I'd have considered rekindling it but as it is he has just jumped straight in with the first person he has met. It really fucking hurts and I don't know what to do. I don't want to see him, his family or have him near my horse ever again right now. I hadn't even been moved out 2 months and he is already seeing someone else and playing happy fucking families. Why does this happen every bloody time.

1FluffyJumper Tue 06-Jan-15 19:59:44

Is he right for you?

umbongoumbongo Tue 06-Jan-15 21:21:52

In most ways yes

1FluffyJumper Wed 07-Jan-15 18:49:09

So you are happy to settle for an abusive, commitment phobe?

Flimflammer Wed 07-Jan-15 23:02:38

My goodness, how would you describe a man who was wrong for you? He sounds awful, judging by your own description of him. You've said he treated you poorly before the split and has been very insensitive afterwards, what part of that behaviour is right for you?

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