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need advice, feel awful and alone.

(19 Posts)
sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 09:48:02

Hi
New to Mumsnet, finding your posts helpful. Here is my situation, any advice gratefully taken. Me and husband been together 20 years, I'm 41. We have 2 children aged 18 and 16. I thought we were happily married until his behaviour changed about 18 months ago. He started going out a lot without me, arguing and storming off to sleep at work or in his car. Last March he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave. I was devastated and tried to make things right. Eventually after me getting sick of the bad behaviour from him I agreed he should move out. We told the kids but then he changed his mind. Anyway, the behaviour continues on and off with me constantly checking up on him, nosying at his phone whenever possible (which he had always deleted every single sent and received text from whenever I looked) and me not believing a word he says. He is constantly denying any other women are involved. On one night out a few weeks ago he got drunk and left our local pub before me. When I got home an hour later he was asleep with his phone in his hand. 2 texts are there. One from a number with no name saying "do not text again" the other saying "why are you being like this?". Sent Texts box deleted as usual. Big row ended with him saying he didn't know who they were and him getting dressed and staying out all night again. But I had photographed the texts first on my phone so I had the numbers. Texted both numbers and got a vague reply from the "do not text again" suggesting to me that husband was bad news and I was better off without him but no elaboration. No response from the other. Fast forward to week before Xmas, I texted husband I still loved him whilst squiffy and we were both on respective Xmas work dos. Got a reply saying he didn't believe me, and he had met someone else anyway. I replied he could stay away from the house in that case. 3 days later when I was out at work he messaged that he missed me and our home and he only sent the message because it was what her said I'd been badgering him to admit to for months and it was what I wanted to hear and wasn't true. He asked coulld he come back for Xmas. I relented AGAIN because I did still love him. Xmas not bad, we do get on ok really, had a laugh together, swapped gifts etc etc. New year came and i asked him to move in with his sister to think about what he wanted and stop mucking me around. I also decided for another fishing trip and texted the woman who replied to me again asking for more info. Basically she told me she had been seeing my husband, but TWO years has passed and she is happy with someone else now but he still texts her even though she's told him not to. So he must be onto someone new now. I cannot believe it. Well I can but hes spent the last year convincing me I was paranoid and that it was all in my head. He's at his sister's still, which is another complication as she is one of my best friends who I knew before my husband. She's been talking to me about his odd behaviour and trying to help me all year so I've kind of lost her support now even though she says she won't take sides, when it gets messy she will. Not told anyone but her about the text from the woman, and kids don't know either. What shall I do? I texted him yesterday telling him I knew about his affair and my text conversation with the woman but he hasn't responded. In all fairness the woman was really nice, it's not her fault he's a scumbag!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 04-Jan-15 10:15:15

So what's your next step? Permanent split? I'm sorry you're in this situation but you sound like you've been unwittingly married to a serial tom-cat. Not really any way back from that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 04-Jan-15 10:15:43

STD checks might be a good idea in the circumstances too.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 04-Jan-15 10:21:15

I'm sorry for you, it all sounds so emotionally exhausting.

I think you know what you have to do. You have to end it with him.

Checking up, no trust, infidelity, harrassment and nasty behaviour - this isn't the life you deserve. You would be so much happier without him.

sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 10:27:02

Yes I had decided to go for checks. Sad thing is up until fairly recently we were really close, neither of us had any other friends and we spent every minute we wasn't working together. We really loved each other. His brother was killed in a street attack and I think that was the catalyst for the change. He is the major earner, he earns treble what I do per month as it am a student now which he agreed to support me in 2 years ago. We own and rent out 2 houses and he just bought me a new car which is in my name. Shall I see a solicitor ASAP? I'm so so sad.

sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 10:32:37

I have never been alone before, left home and moved in with him. Dunno if I can hack it.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 04-Jan-15 10:33:41

Money and providing gifts for you isn't enough of a reason to stay with a cheating man.

I suppose it depends where your boundaries are. You know he's cheated, you wonder where he is when he goes out, you check his phone and he deletes his messages. Can you stay with a man like that? I have known some women who do and they are flipping miserable!

For me, it would be too much and my mental health is worth more than that. It would drive me crazy.

You can make a life for yourself. See a solicitor for advice, no obligation but you will have a clearer idea of where you stand legally.

I'm sorry you feel so sad, I think if you re-read your OP, the answer to the reason for your sadness is right there.

sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 10:46:42

No money never been my motivation, we were far happier when we had none. I just mean this house is mortgaged and costs half my monthly salary, the car is finance which he agreed to pay. I guess I always hoped I was wrong and things would just go back to normal but I'm not daft I know they won't. I don't want this to fuck up my degree either as I've supported him whilst he did long hours building his buisness, I was working part time shitty jobs so he didn't have to bother with child care help. I'm a student nurse now and don't want to fail but can't concentrate.

Vivacia Sun 04-Jan-15 11:06:30

Could you talk to your supervisors next week? Ask what options you have?

Vivacia Sun 04-Jan-15 11:07:29

There are some positives here in terms of you don't have childcare responsibilities and will have financial security (but get legal advice on the assets asap, not just the houses but pensions and savings).

sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 11:07:58

Do I tell the lads the truth? Makes it worse that our 18 year old works with husband. He's going to be in middle.

Vivacia Sun 04-Jan-15 11:35:48

The advice is always, "age-appropriate truth". I'd tell them something very simple and factual with no gory details, "He was seeing other women, and now I know we're separating".

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons Sun 04-Jan-15 11:40:11

You don't need to tell your children the details but tell your husband you will do so if he behaves disrespectfully towards you.

sadlynewtoallthis Sun 04-Jan-15 12:13:19

Thanks all. I think after another long sleepless night, my mind was working overtime again earlier. I do know I need to split with him and I will tell the lads later.

sadlynewtoallthis Tue 06-Jan-15 14:33:39

I miss my husband, the man I thought he was not the man he is :-(

NotANaturalGeordie Tue 06-Jan-15 14:39:11

I can't offer advice about your current situation sadly but I have lived alone and it is nothing to be scared of and no reason to remain with a man you can't trust.

You need time to grieve for the relationship you once had, so be kind to yourself and spend some time doing something you enjoy ((hugs))

sadlynewtoallthis Tue 06-Jan-15 14:48:01

Thank you notanatural having a very bad and tearful day. sad

MaudWilsonsPoodle Tue 06-Jan-15 21:46:48

How are you OP?

sadlynewtoallthis Thu 08-Jan-15 17:37:48

Hi, thanks, feel a little better today, I made a solicitor appointment but I didn't go. Can't face it yet. Ex says he will continue to pay for everything he currently does at the moment. I know that's not ideal but it's ok for now. Went for STD screen, waiting for result. Trying my best not to text insults at the moment, doing ok, last contact yesterday lunchtime when he texted me. I actually feel more than slightly relieved he's gone because my mind isn't racing and questioning all the time if he is lying or not. I do miss him at night but keep telling myself he isn't really the person I'm missing, he's a tw@t lol.

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