I’ll try to be succinct but my head is all over the place.
Been with DH 8 years, married 4.5. We have DD, 18m, conceived through IVF. Generally, we have a fairly good relationship. We are great friends, have similar values and parenting styles and have a good laugh together.
I have a DN, 8 who has been mainly brought up by my Mum due to problems with his mother. The plan is that when he is 11 and switching to secondary school, he will live with us as Mum is getting older and won’t be able to manage. DH does not want this, we almost split up over it after a year of marriage. He feels it isn’t how he wanted his life/family set-up to be and although he has accepted that it WILL happen, he told me last night when talking about it, he still feels very angry and resentful that he was ‘backed into a corner’ about having him (after a lot of soul searching and anguish, I realised I couldn’t live with myself if we didn’t have DN, knew I would resent DH and so ultimately told him this. However he had told me prior that it was divorce if I wouldn’t compromise on this so I guess we both felt backed into said corner). DH has since said this was in temper and he didn’t want to lose me but part of me feels that it was more he didn’t want to start over again and lose face after being married for such a short time so he agreed.
Since this point, we had come a long way. Discovering fertility issues, having treatment, having DD and also having a pregnancy loss. I thought we were a different couple for all this, have become closer and are very connected, and were planning ivf again this year. But, it seems that actually DH hasn’t moved on from his feelings about DN. If anything, having DD he said has made him realise he could never be really happy with the situation as he wants everything ‘right’ with DD and knows DN living here will affect his idea of a perfect family. I thought having a child would change these views, want to nurture DN as he would relate to children much better. He says he cares about DN, feels sad for him and loves him like he loves other members of my family but would throw himself in front of a bus for DD and there is no comparison between the two. Is this how people feel about step-children for example?
I am now in a position where I have to decide if I should leave my marriage because it seems when DN lives here, there will be conflict and resentment from DH – am imagining DN acting up for example which is perfectly normal for a child and how DH might react compared to DD – and the damage this would cause to DN who is already dealing with the complex situation he finds himself in. I know that to leave now would be better rather than leaving if it all goes tits up once DN is here.
On the other hand, I feel DD would be happier if we were together. DH is a wonderful Dad and they are very close. I worry for her if we separate. I know she is young but she will be growing up not seeing both of us every day and that hurts me for her. I feel like whatever I do I will be damaging either DN or DD.
I am also scared about separating as DH has said before he would fight for residency of DD if we were to split. The thought of not seeing her every day is awful enough to me, let alone if I were to only have 50% or less residency. DH has the financial means to go to court but I wouldn’t if we separated (would have to represent myself).
Other factors are, although he is great most of the time, he (IMO) has anger issues and a very negative outlook on a lot of things. I feel the separation would be bitter and this worries me, for me and for DD. And also for DN who is close to DH too and thinks a lot of him. I feel in such a mess.
I do love my DH, but realise our marriage isn’t as strong as it should be if I am feeling like this, and if he is too. But, this is where we are. Married, connected to each other, with a child, and I can’t see the wood for the trees and if it would be foolish to try and make this work or if splitting up our family now is the right thing to do or not.
Any thoughts or insights appreciated, thank you.
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Relationships
Should I leave or compromise? Step-family related
peachpower · 04/01/2015 09:25
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