Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm so pissed off(52 Posts)
He's hardly being a supportive partner! Sounds like youve got 2 kids not 1! Time for a serious talk about whether he wants to step up to being a Dad. At the minute it looks like you'd have an easier time alone with the baby. Congrats on your new baby btw!
How many children did you say you have ?
Your OH sounds like a complete twat and I suspect his utter selfishness and immaturity will get very old, very quickly
How on earth did you think it was a good idea to procreate with this dickhead ?
Whao, OP. I don't want to make you feel bad, but tradition has it that a woman with a newborn should be coddled and catered to either by her husband or the other women in the house.
What is it you love about him?
"I'm not normally someone to be arsed where my partner goes, I trust him completely and he is his own man and can do what he likes"...
I suspect this is as the root of your problem- he's always been able to please himself and puts himself first with no argument from you.
Either you start being more assertive, or accept he is a selfish twat you won't be able to change (more likely). I'm really sorry you are in this situation- he sounds really awful.
It is my experience that men described thus: "he is his own man" are almost without exception twats
Only 20% negative? Don't you feel like he's deserted you at this (very basic) time of need? Doesn't he want to be home with you and his new baby? I don't get his behavior at all.
Well splitting up is a very drastic step so I guess it's worth trying all other options first. I think your OH is feeling left out and maybe slightly jealous of all the attention that baby gets and so he is trying to keep the focus on himself. Men have no idea whatsoever of how physically and emotionally draining giving birth is. He wants life to carry on exactly as before and wants to deny that life has totally changed now.
I would say initially, sit down together and try to tell him how you feel. Try not to be confrontational or aggressive otherwise he may well totally shut down and not listen at all. Talk to him, not at him. Try to agree small changes that he can make and then build up from there.
I know it's really tough right now but single parenthood is really tough too. I truly hope you can find a way to work through this very difficult time as it sounds as if generally the relationship works on the whole.
Not bad advice, heyday, but in my experience single parenthood is not that tough and often easier than dealing with another idiot in the family. However, OP, you love him, so follow heyday's advice.
IMHO Most men need asking to do things, they are not spontaneous, & are like robots !
If you manage to get him out of bed & focused, he may just say, "well OK why didn't you say before ??"
But you must get this sorted now, if not it will only continue. Plus there is no way he can skive off work after a bender...He needs to grow up
It's very early days and many coupes take months to adjust to having a first baby.
I think you need to think carefully about what you think is fair and then communicate that.
Way too soon to LTB, you love him so you both need to try to make it work first.
Said like someone who will not be told what to do and who is asserting the fact that nothing will change for him. Actions speak louder than words and you need to have this out with him now.
I've lived with a man like this
Its not good
I fought this battle for years
If i could do it again i would tell him straight. I'm not living like this. If this is how you are going to live you need to leave
He is showing you by his actions that as far as he is concerned, nothing has changed. You are there to sort out the baby. He can carry on doing his own thing. I think he is the type of man who thinks that looking after the baby would mean he is "babysitting for you". There are many men and women who just assume that once a baby comes along, the woman does everything because she knows how.
Stop this now. Sit him down and tell him that this is not on. Be very clear on what he should be doing. Be very clear in how you want your life to be. If he can't or won't step up, tell him to leave. You will save yourself a lifetime of misery and it may be the wake up call he needs.
My mum left my dad when my sister was 6 weeks old. For a few days. It gave him the jolt he needed. They were then married for another 44 years.
I would work out exactly what is required and spell it out to him. E.g. If you go out, you cannot have next day off also. Any time he has without baby, you get exact equal amount where he takes baby and you rest. I would explain to him that you love him and say (as you've told us) he's your best friend and you have made a beautiful baby together, but that he needs to realise that his behaviour is pushing you to the edge and you cannot sustain this relationship long term unless things change. Maybe add that you know he can do it, acknowledge that it must be hard to adjust etc. I would probably add "and by the way, I have an enormous, painful gaping wound in my fanjo", but you may want to be less explicit(!). Good luck!
You told him to stay out this time though. If you don't mean things then don't say them.
20% negative is a whole lot of settling for someone who's quite shit. And I think your estimation is very, very generous. He doesn't have a proper job, only works part time, and far from trying to impress to get more hours/a raise or a good reference he's skiving! From a part time job! And he does nothing around the house, even though you have a newborn. He's shit at emotional support, and has to compete with you, having just given birth, about how tired he is! On top of that he hasn't even been on hand for you to ask him to help with anything, he's fucked off all night twice in the first 2 weeks, resulting in him being even more useless than usual (if that's possible) for 2 whole days. The guy sounds like a complete and total waste of space. It's a shame you didn't see it 5 years ago, as this doesn't sound like a sudden change on his part, more a sudden realisation on your part. I hope he does a u-turn and sorts himself out after a no nonsense talking to about your relationship, however this may just be the kind of person he is.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.