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i have never loved and hated someone so much..

(27 Posts)
20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 01:33:06

i am sick of my husband. literally the shit he puts me through actually makes me physically want to be sick. after baby i suffer from depression, still do and she is nearly 7 months old. he just f*cked everything up! i was in labour and cleaning my house so that i could bring home my baby to a clean house. whilst i was in the hospital he had destroyed the house, rotting food, dirty clothes everywhere, cat poop on the bed!!! then his mother was extremly abusive to me. i broke down sobbing the moment i walked in.

i couldnt take care of baby, i would sleep all day and at night i couldnt sleep. i wouldnt eat good, i never showered, i was a state! just recently i started getting better because of a friend of mine who ha supported me and my husband just f*cked everything up again!! i am back to the way i was before! i am so angry and so hurt!! i broke down before and just started screaming at the top of my voice. i am sooo effing fustrated!! i have had enough of him i hate him!!

he wont listen and he argues with me or will just ignore me!! we are poor we have such little money we cant afford to eat. he will heat a whole room up and then leave the doors open and its cold again. ive begged him not to. i cant get any sleep coz when i do he neglects baby. she has huge sores on her skin because he leaves her in dirty nappies! this is the 4th time in 2-3 months this has happened! i am the one who has to fix it! this last time the whole area where he nappy is is red and peeling and scaley. she cries when i touch it. i just started crying my eyes out. i cant do this anymore. he caused me to be in this terrible situation. he doesnt work and for over a year ive been begging him to work! he only just started looking. ive supported the whole time. we live in a 1 bed council house that is too small for us with no money for electric or gas or to eat. in absolute filth and because of him my baby keeps getting ill. he wont listen. i hate him so much. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant do this on my own.. i love my daughter more than my life but he is causing me to be mentally unwell..

TheCowThatLaughs Sun 04-Jan-15 01:41:26

I can see why you hate him, but not why you love him?

jackydanny Sun 04-Jan-15 01:41:36

See GP / health visitor to get a Few pointers (medication? Counseling? Other?)

As your baby is getting older, try and get some activities going?
Hasn't helped with the time of year and all that brings I bet.

Do you have family support?

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 04-Jan-15 01:54:04

Hi, I think you need to see social services, and see what help you can have. Ask the doctor for some sudocrem for the baby's nappy rash, it works wonders. He sounds like he isn't even interested in you or the baby. Has he changed since her arrival?

LeoandBoosmum Sun 04-Jan-15 04:01:33

I'll probably going to get flamed for this but I would never leave him alone with the baby.

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 04:06:51

the thing is he does do alot for baby. hes just careless!! when baby eats she needs to have completly puree food and ive told him soooo many times but he leaves huge chunks in it which im so scared she will choke on, i trusted him the past few days to take control of food and he f*cked up big time AGAIN! ive got docs involved and social say they are helping but im still waiting for help from them.
no hes just getting worse. at the beggining he was amazing but he would not keep a leash on his mother, i had to defend myself on too many occasions and nearly lost my baby because of the stress she put me through. honestly i think i love him coz hes my babies father and ive been with him so long. he says he tries but it takes him days to clean our kitchen. our kitchen is soo small only one person can fit in there comfortably. he makes excuses for everything but if i mention that he acts like thats all i ever say. he just wont listen. i dont know why i love him but i do.. im scared of being alone. i have no one else. i ran away from home because of domestic violence. hes my first and i feel trapped. sometimes feel like i would rather put up with getting beaten and locked in my room like i used to. my heart feels like its being ripped from my chest..

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 04:12:56

@LeoandBoosmum - hes trustworthy, hes very good with her in the sense he plays wth her (after begging him for a long time), he would never hurt her, i know that for sure. hes not an abusive or aggressive person. hes just a douchebag in the way that i have to ask him to change her nappy or he wont, have to tell him to do things or he wont. my best friend said hes like a big child. shes right. he would rather play ps3 than do anything else. if i had even an ounce of suspicion he would do anything to my little girl, i would rip him in 2.

heyday Sun 04-Jan-15 04:30:18

Your bf sounds very immature and obviously finds even the simplest tasks very difficult. I think you need to go back to absolute basics here. Put a chart on wall of times baby needs changing (unless she does number 2, which will need changing immediately). Put clean nappies in a little pile with nappy cream such as sudocreme to help ease nappy rash. Get him to tick it each time he changes nappy at set time.
See your doctor about 1) your depression 2) babies nappy rash 3) on how to get referral to food bank so you have some food coming in.
Do you have a Sure Start centre near you? If so, get down there ASAP as they can give you advice on childcare, welfare benefits and provide emotional support as well as activities that both yourself and baby can attend and also often have groups for dads too. They can often provide mentors too who can come in and provide some practical and moral support.
It will also get you out of the house for a few hours which gives you a little break from each other and you might be able to find a little strength to be able to face the problems of the daily struggle to get by.

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 04:42:42

He might not intend to hurt her, op but his actions are neglectful. Leaving a baby in a dirty or wet nappy for so long that her entire nappy area is red, scaly and sore, is neglect. Feeding her food which is too lumpy and could choke her, is neglect. Not providing adequate heating is neglect. If you keep telling him not to do these things and he still is, it is willful or intentional neglect. He is hurting her through taking poor care of her.

So, he sounds like a neglectful, messy, unhelpful, freeloading, pathetic waste of space, to me. I can understand why you aren't happy but I can't understand why you put up with this?

It really does sound as though you could do with some extra support. Are you in touch with your health visitor?

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 04:43:53

heyday - he will not follow a timetable. he will 'forget' to do anything that involves anyone except him and his friends. he is very immature but does not see it. no matter how many people i have bought in to tell him he needs to grow up, he doesnt see it. i have been extremely unwell, the depression has got so bad t has left me with physical symptoms like extreme body pains to the point im crying. ive been to surestart but the problem is the closest one is too far for me to walk and i will need a bus pass but im compeltly broke, benefits are messing me around too much. i get £64 a week and that has to cover electric, water, gas, mine, my husbands and babies food. but it doesnt cover it. we have been given TWO referals to the food bank but he lost BOTH of them!!! he misplaces everything!! even though i kept it in a place where i knew where it was, he moved them. i asked him to go to the food bank because hes alot more fitter than i am so can walk there but SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP!!! you can see why i am so fed up. ive done all of that tried everything, hes the one messing everything up. i used to go every wednesday to stay and play and i miss it so much, my friend used to drive me there but she doesnt go anymore so now im stuck. today after so long of holding myself together i lost it. the anxiety and fustration built up so much ive just been screaming and shouting at him. and he sits there silent. he wont even talk to me!! he purposely ignores me. i told him i wish he would die and i regreted ever marrying him.. i didnt mean it ive just had enough.. all the options we have are gone coz of him.. hes too lazy to sort out his jobseekers so we are living on £64 a week now and thats child tax and child benefit.

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 04:45:09

Sent to early.

Ask your health visitor about being allocated a homestart volunteer. These are people who can come to your home and support you in the areas you/ your p are finding difficult.

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 04:48:07

OP, if you are entitled to benefits, why can't you apply for them in your name?

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 04:49:18

AmantesSuntAmentes - you are right. i told him its neglect. he just wont listen.. it took me so much effort to get rid of the rash he had caused her that when i saw another one i started screaming and crying. my poor little girl shouldnt have to put up with this.. why do i put up with this?? its coz im weak!!! he made me weak!! i wasnt like this before! shes my first and i do everything i can for her, if it wasnt for him she would have NEVER had a rash. i dont know why i put up with it but i dont know what to do. im scared, my health visitor is coming on monday and i will tell her everything. i already told my husband that my daughter comes before the world. including him. and yet im letting him carry on? why i dont know.. all i know is im scared to be alone.

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 04:51:08

AmantesSuntAmentes- i cant go on jobseekers coz i cant work coz of baby but they took my income suport of me with no good reason. my health visitor said i am eligable for it but benefits took me of saying im not! ever since they took me off it ive been struggling..

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 05:04:29

Income support is only available to single parents (and some other groups) but it's not available to double parent families. If you kicked him out, you would be entitled to income support again.

As partners, either of you should be able to claim job seekers. Obviously, in these circumstances, it should be him - he can't be left with your dd , for one thing!

You can't be without food and heating, especially with a baby in the house! It's horrific that he isn't stepping up and it doesn't sound like he's going to anytime soon.

You need to try to make a decision about what is best for you and your daughter. This is no way to live. I hope your health visitor can help you to work it out on Monday.

heyday Sun 04-Jan-15 05:09:53

Maybe you are not entitled to income support because of your partner living with you. From everything you are saying I really can't see how you are better off being with him. I know you are struggling right now but you are having to do extra work because of him and you are also losing out on your benefits. If he can't even attend the job centre to try to claim JSA then he really is a waste of space. Can you get to a citizens advice bureau to help you work out what's going on with your benefits? It seems like it's only you who can try to resolve this dire situation you are in as OH is worse than useless. It will be hard by yourself I admit but I honestly can't see how being alone can possibly be harder than being with a man who really is incapable of doing anything.
Are you seeing the doctor about your depression?

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 05:11:28

AmantesSuntAmentes - so do i.. im scared.. i know its time for him to go but im so scared.. i dont knw how to live without him.. i know i can survive but even tho hes a shitty dad and husband, hes my bestfriend..

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 05:27:25

Sorry 20onto50 but there is no way on this earth that a true friend would treat someone the way he's treating you.

I agree completely with heyday. It sounds as though he is making life much harder for you than it needs to be.

Being a single parent is fun, ime and far easier than being with someone who's a dead weight.

BadKatie Sun 04-Jan-15 06:29:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

niceupthedance Sun 04-Jan-15 06:39:08

Don't be scared of being alone when the other option is staying with an arsehole like your partner. Many single parents have managed to bring up babies by themselves - you may be more scared because of your depression. But I promise you it won't be harder than it is now.

Whose name is on the council tenancy?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 04-Jan-15 09:21:19

He's not your best friend, he's your enemy.

Badkatie, if you think that, report, don't troll hunt.

20onto50 Sun 04-Jan-15 10:56:58

my names on the council tenancy.. you are right.. ive never been in a situation like this.. im going to try one last time just so i can say i did what i could. im going to tell my health visitor when she comes and get everything sorted properly.. i cant help but love him.. he can be an asshole but hes done alot for me.. he just needs a shove in the right direction. i dont know whats going on in his head.. and this is not a troll, this is my life! badkatie its obvious ur more fortunate than me to not have to deal with this.
thank u everyone... appreciate tthe moral support..

Nameforposting Sun 04-Jan-15 12:21:14

Hi 20, It sounds like you are having a really hard time at the moment, from what you say, it sounds as though you suffered so much abuse in the past that in comparison, your OH seems like a 'good guy'?

I just wanted to remind you of the following:
He can be a 'decent guy' but not have the skills to be a good enough partner to you.
He can be a 'decent guy' but not have the skills to be an adequate Father to your DD.
You can still love him, but accept that his choices are causing you more harm than good.
You can still love him, but you don't have to live with him or be in a relationship with him.
Just because 2 people love each other, doesn't mean they are compatible.

(I've learned all of the above the above things - the hard way!)

Everything you have written suggests to me that although you feel he is not abusive he is certainly neglectful of both you and the baby.
It sounds as though he doesn't have the skills or perhaps even the understanding of the skills needed to parent a child.
This doesn't make him a 'bad' person, just a person who may never be able to rise to the challenge.
Have you considered that despite all your best efforts, your OH may never understand what is required of him or be willing or able to gain the skills he needs to become a good parent?

Would your partner attend parenting classes? You could go together to make sure you're both on the 'same page' when it comes to parenting.

Does your partner smoke weed or have any other alcohol or drug issues?

MatildaTheCat Sun 04-Jan-15 13:20:40

OP you mention SS, are you getting regular support from them? You would benefit from family support worker, this is someone who comes to your home regularly and helps you to get organised and sort your life out. The idea is that they help you gain the skills to look after your family.

You need proper benefit advice. Are you getting Healthy Start vouchers?

You mention your depression, are you actually getting treatment? If not please see your GP urgently. If you are, is the treatment helping? You sound very low and unable to cope so I suspect not. If you have a huge amount of past trauma you may need counselling and other support. This is so vital in both getting yourself well and also building a healthy, caring relationship with your baby.

Please, please get urgent help 20, I will be honest and say your life sounds at crisis point. I'm guessing there is more you haven't told us. SS will be very supportive if you ask for help and are proactive in changing your situation. If you don't and allow this sorry state to continue you may find that they start to question your ability to parent safely. Sorry, I know how harsh this sounds but your baby has to take priority.

Make some calls tomorrow. Start with your HV and be honest that you are not coping well and need more support. See your GP and get your baby checked,too. What you do with your partner,well, he's not adding a lot as far as I can see. You both need to make changes and urgently.

Things can honestly be much better than this.

TheyLearnedFromBrian Sun 04-Jan-15 14:15:32

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Him being there is reducing the money you are entitled to, to help keep you and your baby warm and fed, because the assumption is that HE will contribute.

Instead, he is a drain - he takes financially, seems to give nothing back, and also makes domestic life harder, drains you emotionally and is making your mental health so bad you relationship with your baby is suffering. He can't even be bothered to sort his side of the benefits.


Even if you plan, long term, to try and work things out - kick him out NOW.

Let him go live with his mother and play games all day. Seriously. You will be BETTER OFF and so will your child.

- you will be eligible for more money.
- you will be in control of the home. Less help? No, you'll have less hindrance. What you tidy will stay tidy. What you put away will stay in the right place.
- Less food to cook, clothes to wash, dirty plates to pick up.
- Peace and quiet, no arguments.
- Alone or not, you will feel 100% better than you do now. How you feel now - the sadness, the weight in your chest - it's because he's there. When that goes, your life will change for the better - and yes, you will be living without another adult in the house, but that will still be better than this. You will feel happier, lighter, cleaner, you and your baby, and believe me, you will be in a better mental place to start going out more, making friends, putting a good life back together.

Just make him go.

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