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Ex dictating

(53 Posts)
Misunderstood69 Sat 03-Jan-15 21:40:10

I have met a man fell in love been together for about a year he has 2 kids and so do I ... He has them every other w/e and every single Sunday night and Monday night takes them to school mon and tues as his ex decided to take a job miles away ... She didn't want kids to meet me but we still met and after a few weeks his kids decided they wanted their dad to themselves and so he told me he would spend the time with his kids alone , no regard for how I felt or my kids !, he just answers to his ex all the time she wanted rid of him as she wanted a family friend yet he has to go school evenings etc with her so it all looks good seems she wants her new life but also him on a string , he now says he wants me and my kids to spend time with his kids well I have said no!!! Wasn't good enough 5 months ago ... He saying he regrets making that decision ?? And things change but why should they change because it suits him.. I love him wanted to be with him but it's like he spend so much time with me then he goes home for few days then he comes back again why should I just sit there and wait!! With his ex there is always gonna be summit I mean these kids are 12 and 14 and she isn't gonna let him have a life until they grow up even then she is still gonna want it all to look good. He says he wants to live with me! I cannot see how that is going to ever work with the way she is and the kids want their dad alone besides which our kids would have to share rooms and my kids have been through enough and his kids have their own rooms at home.. I feel like my life is on hold I hurt all the time just not sure what's for the best anymore ..

hotblacktea Sat 03-Jan-15 22:15:30

his priorities are really elsewhere, not on you or your future together
best to break away now

MiniTheMinx Sat 03-Jan-15 22:39:28

You met his kids quite early on? at least 6 months ago? very early really.

When you children are part time, it pays to make that short time quality time. When his kids said they want dad to themselves, he did the only thing a responsible and caring parent should, agreed.

Maybe he has talked them round, maybe they have softened to the idea of dad having a gf. Sometimes it takes time.

You seem petulant and entirely focussed on your own needs. Perhaps his ex is a witch, but wanting the father of her children to attend parents evenings and co-parent his own children does not make her the work of the devil.

Misunderstood69 Sat 03-Jan-15 23:14:41

No one said she was a witch and I'm all for him having his kids and it certainly isn't about my needs .. And it's ok for her to get on with her life with the family friend whilst expecting him to put his own life on hold or live it the way she says .. Nothing wrong with co parenting but it's all her way !!!

SolidGoldBrass Sat 03-Jan-15 23:27:55

It sounds like too much hassle, dump him politely and move on.

clam Sat 03-Jan-15 23:33:04

Why do you feel you're just sitting around waiting for him to turn up? Can you not just be getting on with your own life and enjoy the time you have together when he's able?

adiposegirl Sat 03-Jan-15 23:38:28

Maybe you should find a childless man so he commit to you 100%

I think it is unreasonable of you to expect a man with prior children to give you 100% of his time.

Also, be weary of any man who has no contact with his children.

Misunderstood69 Sat 03-Jan-15 23:48:16

Never asked for 100% of his time , if anything he wants to move forward I am the one being cautious how can I commit to someone when his ex says how it is going to be !! If we are a couple then we should share everything and decide together it's nothing like that I have one life he has two !! And I have nothing to do with his other life I just respect his decision let him get on with it .. He often says it's not what I want to do but I want to keep everyone happy well in my book why should he keep his ex happy she didn't want him .. And he should be able to do what he wants within reason as long as it doesn't affect his kids..

Joysmum Sat 03-Jan-15 23:55:09

So his kids wanted the reassurance of time with just their dad and he did the right thing by giving that reassurance. Now they are ready for more with you and your kids and you've said no on principle because the poor mites weren't ready 5 months ago hmm

Cabrinha Sat 03-Jan-15 23:55:49

I don't see why you're having a pop at the ex making him do less than a half share of school runs, to fit around her job.
Seems fair, he's their dad.

And attending parents evening? Of course he bloody should! Why is that about her looking good? Not her wanting what is best for the kids, to have their father engaged with their teachers and not impacted by divorce? I'd gladly stomach sitting next to my idiot ex if it meant he bothered with parents evening!

You seem very anti the ex. Whether it's justified or not, it all just sounds too much hassle for someone you've only known a short time. Just end it.

Misunderstood69 Sat 03-Jan-15 23:57:32

Not so much sitting around as feel like I cannot move forward.. He wants to live together life partners the whole lot .. But I won't be dictated to by an ex ... and our kids became friends then he just stopped it because his 14 old said so .. I'm sorry but we could have chatted about it not just him telling me and the thing is now he has done as his child wanted they will expect it all the time but as the mum dictates the kids probably think they can treat him the same ... He says he feels guilty about not being a family but he shouldn't he didn't break the family up ...

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:04:37

Your kids weren't friends with his kids. They met each other for a few weeks confused
You just had to explain that his kids wanted their dad to themselves for now. It was pretty soon to be introducing everyone. I'm actually not against early introductions per se as some are, but you have to do it knowing there are pitfalls.

I'm sorry you're hurting. You really need to be realistic here. He's being ridiculous talking a out living together so soon with a step family set up. You barely know each other yet, don't drag the kids through that!

FWIW after 18 months with my boyfriend, we both feel that we don't anticipate joining households at all, because we are happy with our 1:1 set up with each of our only child. That wouldn't suit some, but we work - because we're on the same page. If you and this guy aren't, it's a non starter.

Either bin him, or let this develop without any of your kids involved, until you know each other properly.

Misunderstood69 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:05:24

She doesn't do any of the school runs !!! Yeah go to parents evening I agree but he doesn't need her permission when he can and can't to he has full parental responsibility so he can contact the school anytime he likes !! And your failing to understand she went off with her child's friends dad and the kids have had to accept that from day one!! She didn't want the kids around me and that's when his child decided after 6 weeks he wanted his dad.. And I'm cool with her not wanting her kids around me , but to swap and change the times he has the kids and tell him what days he can have for Xmas is not acceptable yes she has plans well may he has plans too ... Everything is how she says and her way , surely he should have a say..

MiniTheMinx Sun 04-Jan-15 00:08:53

But I won't be dictated to by an ex

Well don't be. Just finish with this guy. He sounds like a good guy trying to make the best out of a less than perfect situation and do right by his children. If this isn't what you want, then move on, without him.

I can't see what the rush is at a year either, why not just date, go out, have some fun and spend nice time together. Preferably without dragging all the kids into it.

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:10:27

There's a popular saying on here:

Your problem isn't her, it's him.

I'm sorry, but it sounds too much hassle. You keep throwing in new stuff, like Xmas. If there is more and more about her dictating things to him, your problem is him. Even if she dropped down dead tomorrow, you'd still have a man with a weak personality (if he has, from what you've said) and it works cause problems in other ways.

You said you're hurting all the time - that's cos it's not working. Sorry to be blunt! Throw this one back in the sea.

Misunderstood69 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:15:37

I guess your right!! He is kind of weak even down to what he puts in their lunchbox she emailed him telling him off !!! I guess most of you are right just finding the strength and the heart ...

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:16:06

I disagree also about deciding everything together because you are a couple.
It's only been a year and you both have children that should be prioritised.

When it comes to decisions about my child, yeah I really like the input of my boyfriend of 18 months - but he's just a sounding board or an alternative opinion! No way do we make joint decisions!

Misunderstood69 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:20:02

I was talking about spending time together .. We should both decide ,, I would never try and say anything when it comes to his kids and certainly wouldn't let him help decide about my own kids.. But we certainly should discuss things and be open and I mean discuss everything,,

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:23:06

Tbh, my XH's girlfriend might think I boss him about.
But you know what? My ex is fucking useless!
I send him texts like "it is important that she practises her spellings this week, she particularly struggles with "x word", if you get this app she seems to be more enthusiastic to learn".

Oh - I texted him when she got too old for the kids toothpaste and told him I'd worked over last 4 days to get her onto next age up. (she had hated mint!) and that he should therefore join in with that.

What else... Oh, suggesting she doesn't have snack money every day at school because she buys pizza, doesn't eat healthier dinner, and then goes potentially 10:00-18:00 without food.

If his gf wanted to bitch about me, it'd be easy. But he's totally useless.

I know some on here would tell me to step back, but where it's health and education, I do it.

It's not that often grin but as I say - I can well imagine his girlfriend bitching about me, because she has no idea he is a useless cock who is already cheating on her.

Misunderstood69 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:28:43

I'm not bitching just some things are pathetic ! Just wish for once he would stand up for himself!! It's horrible to watch someone you care about just take crap!! I guess she had moulded him for 20 years and he knows no different!

MiniTheMinx Sun 04-Jan-15 00:34:04

Yes of course you should both decide, so don't be available when he is smile negotiate. You don't have to sit around waiting.

If he is always going to jump to the Exs tune, and this isn't what you want, cut him loose. At the moment it seems this weak guy has two headstrong women tearing him in half! and all he probably wants is a good relationship with his children.

As for mix and match families, there will always be some issues and lots of negotiating. If you can't or won't make some sacrifices yourself then it won't work. You can either support him and encourage him, take the time to work it out or make demands that go unmet. You seem a bit unrealistic to be honest and I pitty this man trying to please everyone.

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:35:28

I just have a different perspective because I know things aren't how they seem in my old marriage.

So I think "yeah, she shouldn't have cheated on him, but maybe she finally flipped after 20 year of him being weak as dishwater."

Thing is, it doesn't matter whether he's the injured party or a total dick! I don't know! You can judge better than me.

What matters as far as I can see is that you're getting angry with the ex, but the behaviour that is causing a problem is actually HIS.
She doesn't stop him discussing decisions about the kids with you. That's his choice.

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 00:40:57

Also just throwing in my own situation to show things aren't always as they seem...

I introduced my new partner to my daughter very very quickly, for reasons I'm happy with.

My ex (some time later) also introduced quickly.

I didn't say a word, but I didn't want him to. Here's why:

He hasn't spent a single weekend day with out daughter since, without having his girlfriend and her daughter there too. Me, I make sure that I have more 1:1 time with my daughter than I do with my boyfriend and his daughter around too.

Difference to your boyfriend's ex is perhaps is me not saying anything.

Patronising as this sounds, I trust my judgment, I don't trust his - and for good reason.

But I'll come back to it again - forget the ex, your problem is him.

Misunderstood69 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:41:25

I'm not being unrealistic .. I have sat back let him do what he wanted without saying a word .. The only time I have ever said anything is when she is telling him dates times etc and I mean telling him .. Or we have plans and he says oh I can't now !!! He uses all his holiday to look after them whilst they are on school holidays and then she gets the pleasure of using her holiday to go abroad with them and her new man how can that be right..I pity him too !!! But I guess it is his own doing ...

lunar1 Sun 04-Jan-15 00:41:41

This is who your boyfriend is, he is making his choices. You are blaming his ex for things you are not happy with but he's not a puppet. He is responsible for his actions.

I really fail to see the appeal of a relationship that is this much work this early on.

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