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Need some sense kicked into me

(12 Posts)
Confusedfedup Sat 03-Jan-15 19:10:56

I apologise in advance for a long post as trying not to drip feed.
Married 9 years and together 11, neither of us was passionately ‘in love’ but we loved and liked each other a lot and got on really well. We were best pals and spent all our time together, neither of us have any real friends.

There are a few things wrong with the relationship.
Sex was regular but not good because he always came too quickly and was never quite hard enough and was therefore painful for me. It started dwindling even before marriage we pretty much stopped having sex altogether some 4 years ago when I couldn't be penetrated. But he never forced me and was always gentle. I was recently diagnosed with vaginismus.

He didn't do anything nice for me, e.g. book a restaurant for my b'day - whereas i did for his, plus also for anniversary. we'd agreed on no expensive gifts so I’d get small fun stuff for him for x-mas but got nothing from him for years ‘because he never knew what to get me’. Six years ago I asked him for something - he didn’t get me it that year or any subsequent years when I asked for the same thing. He didn’t do anything in the house apart from vacuuming (when I ask) and the bins whereas I even cook his favourite foods which I don’t eat myself.

He handled all the finances and wouldn’t tell me anything even when I asked. We co-own the house we live in now, but we agreed to buy a couple as investments via a company, but in the end he bought them in his own name.

He makes a little less money than me in the same profession although he is at a higher level, because he has firm strange opinions about some industries. He doesn’t get on with most people he works with and he’s worked in quite a few places.

On the positive side, I qualified in his profession and he was pivotal in my career trajectory. So I feel a sense of owing him.

And here’s the real problem. Two years ago I found that he was a paid-up member of a sex site looking for discreet hook-ups and was chatting to several women. He said he shut down the account because he felt shit…although I knew that he’d been on every day for two weeks when I first saw it.

Then, nine months later I found that he has a fake facebook profile where he’d been chatting with several women including asking when they’re in London and giving his mobile no out. He’d also looked up a call girl website near his work and the phone no. He confessed to meeting one person for drinks but said that it got very awkward because he knew he was doing wrong and he came home after one drink.
Then four months ago I checked history as i knew he'd been on fb, but the fb entry was deleted. He claimed he was looking up a mutual friend and deleted history as I would be angry he was on fb - although i'd never told him not to go on fb.

He has been inconsistent with his stories – the adult website – initially he said he was member for 2 years, but since then he’s been saying 6 months; FB - he told me 2 years but I know he's had the account for 7 years. He’s never admitted to looking up the hooker’s website or the number. When confronted both time, he has minimised. If he felt guilty about meeting someone then why would he give his no out to others? Deleting history of an innocent fb visit tells me he thinks nothing about deceiving me.

After the 3rd incident I told him we’re not going to work because I’ve no interest in sex and I don’t trust him any longer. However, over 2-3 days was insistent that we can work it out and suggested we should attend counselling. He said he found a place but three months-on he’s not booked us in, although we have been away for about a month. Also, with all the things i think are wrong with him (and no doubt he will have a list on me) i don't think we can say what we're thinking and still keep a marriage.

But since the last incident, he has changed a lot – pulls his weight in the house, pays me a lot of attention. Even after the first incident he didn’t change – not booked anywhere for my b’day or get me anything for x-mas – but this x-mas he surprised me with splashing out on expensive gifts. This makes me wonder if he is/could change, but then i know it's impossible to change too much about ones-self. Or are these 'changes' really things he should have done in the first place?

I’m confused part of me thinks I will have a great life on my own but on the other hand I’m so afraid of being alone (and losing my nice life). It seems like there too many things wrong and lacking in both of us to make us right and work for both of us. Help me see sense please, clearly ‘I know’ but I am lying to myself.

Handywoman Sat 03-Jan-15 19:56:13

Your marriage sounds like it had a rather dubious basis from the start. All the stuff about gifts is irrelevant - forget about what he has or hasn't bought recently or in the past, or who owes what to whom in terms of career or houses..... Do you have a relationship worth saving? Sounds like you never loved each other. By all means stay if a 'nice life' is your priority. But if happiness is more important it is surely time to make plans to move on? Time to think about what you want. Do you love him? Are you attracted to him? Do you even like him????????

Deserttrek Sat 03-Jan-15 21:21:13

It sounds like a war, and tactical decisions being made to win little battles in a conflict that just should not be happening. It doesn't sound like a loving partnership at all. Withdraw.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 03-Jan-15 21:26:39

Agree with the pp. Everything about this relationship sounds utterly horrible. You've only got one life you know.

Balders74 Sat 03-Jan-15 21:32:20

I think you already know the answer but are too scared to face it. Make a pros and cons list and that should make things clearer.

You say you're not interested in sex BUT can you face never having toe curling sex ever again?? Do you want happiness or just a comfortable life with someone you don't trust?
You only get one chance at life, grab it with both hands & get out of this shit relationship.

I hope the advice you get here helps, it helped me make a tough decision.

Confusedfedup Sat 03-Jan-15 23:08:51

Thanks. Yes i kind of do realise what i need to do but its so hard to go through with it. Mainly because i've got no one to depend on as i've no friends and my family live overseas.

I know gifts etc are not important in the grand scheme of things, but i wanted paint a picture of my marriage. I am and never was attracted to him passionately, but yes i do love him and like him. At least i used to, and even now i do most times and then i remember what he's done. At times i have to force myself to realise what he's done to 'us', which i find stragne.

Desert, not sure what you mean.

suspiciousandsad Sat 03-Jan-15 23:20:42

Do you want to be married to a man who pays women to have sex with him? Do you think you are worth more than this? I do.

something2say Sat 03-Jan-15 23:27:02

Keep him as a friend. It'll take a while.

From one who has jumped ship, you can do it alone. It is highly exhilarating and in a year, you won't recognise your life. It sounds to me as tho this marriage hs run its course. Be brave. and make a list!!! All the things you'd like to do.

ChristinaMatthews Sun 04-Jan-15 05:09:56

Sounds like you are both ready to move on. Book an appointment with a soloicitor and get the ball rolling, unless this is how you want your life to be.

Joysmum Sun 04-Jan-15 08:42:00

You've had nobody to depend on in your marriage either, accept you. He continually lied and cheated and not cherished you.

You only get one life. By being with this pathetic excuse of a man you are foregoing the chance of finding true happiness. You're giving up a lot to remain in your relationship. You'll have regrets if you don't.

ishouldcocoaHoHoHoHoHo Sun 04-Jan-15 08:48:45

Do you have children?

Moniker1 Sun 04-Jan-15 08:53:22

I would say he has a set up on the side with someone for regular meet ups and sex, possibly with more than one. So suddenly his life is as he wants it - you leaving would upset the apple cart, hence he is now being nice to keep you in tow.

Definitely see a solicitor about finances before you do anything, he could leave you with little if everything is in his name, he could give stuff away if he thinks you are leaving.

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