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desperate for help/advise ,gd....

(6 Posts)
howcanihelpgd Sat 03-Jan-15 11:01:28

gd is 24 now.

at 15 her abusive mother threw her out, in favour of undesirable abusive and violent boyfriends.
her father was detached ,totally nc, no maintenance/support or interest, yet he knew what was happening as gd constantly attempted to contact him.

but basically he was too busy with his own life, concerts/festivals mates in the pubs etc.

2 years ago, after a nightmare of drinks/drugs/homelessness, gd managed to take control of her young unhappy life and became stable and mature.

but her main loss is...apart from abandonment and neglect from both parents....the loss of her half sibling.

her mother had another child, a son, who gd became emotionally close to, loved him dearly, who is now 12, but gd is not allowed, by her mother, to have any contact with him, which is breaking gd's heart.

gd is a kind and loving person, despite the abuse she suffered as a child.

is there any way, maybe through the legal system that gd would be "allowed" to see her young brother?
the mother is still the same personality, but treats her ds as though she is a perfect mother, yet has gone totally nc with gd for years, almost as though she is a total inconvenience.

gd has "secret" contact with her older full sibling, but the older sibling is afraid that if her mother "finds out", she will go nc with her too.

although the older siblings has massive emotional issues of her own, as she also grew up in the hell of an abusive childhood, is still afraid of her mothers anger and wrath.

over the years we attempted to apply to have legal guardianship of both children, but each time, at the last minute, the children said they wanted to stay with their mother.
my question is this.

how can my gd seek contact with her younger sibling , who is now 12yrs.
both parents and siblings live within a few mile radiaus of each other.

sakura Sat 03-Jan-15 11:13:14

It sounds really hard.

It does seem, from what you've said, that she has pushed her daughter out of her life in favour of boyfriends, which is really sad and wrong. She does sound abusive towards your gd.

Bear in mind that the children did want to stay with their mother, so while I'm sure she is not perfect, she is still their mother and often the things that mothers do for their children are completely glossed over and ignored by other people, who aren't quite certain of the dynamics that go on.

A supportive grandmother is a wonderful thing for a young woman to have, but mending ties with her mother is still the best way forward.

How is the gd's living situation? Would you be able to help her organize benefits and housing or whatever she might be entitled to. Perhaps you could help her establish herself as an adult, so she feels competent and organized. Perhaps she could begin taking more of an interest in friends and so on, or concentrate on her work.

Once she has done this, she might be strong enough to deal with what she has been through with her mother.

I'm not sure if she has a right to see her sibling by law. Others on here will know better.

howcanihelpgd Sat 03-Jan-15 11:30:22

thank you.
well, yes, she is still their mother, but she won't have any contact with gd.

I have asked the mother a number of times if she would meet up with gd, but she simply doesn't want her in her life.to be honest, she wasn't welcomed the day she was born.
i understand that if possible, some sort of relationship with child/parent could be beneficial for gd, but I wonder if too much turbulent water has gone under that bridge.

sadly, this mother completely neglected the dc, physically and emotionally over the years.
we regularly received phone calls sometimes late at night to "please come and get us", when either the mother or boyfriend was drunk or high on drugs.

well, finally gd has a small but lovely flat, and is working full time in mcdonalds to support herself.

she wanted to join the air force/police/, to have a career, but as we found out later, gd was taken out of school from a young age, by her mother, to do ironing and cleaning , so gd has no qualifications at all.
although she is very intelligent , without even low level exams, she can't get a foot in the door just now.
she has investigated evening classes, this week I am paying for driving lessons for her, which could expand her employment choices.

sakura Sat 03-Jan-15 12:45:41

I think paying for driving lessons for her is a wonderful gift. And yes, evening classes can be looked into. Tell your gd that some people career change, and have to get new qualifications at 35 or older. But I don't want to knock the job she already has because some people are content to just have a job with fewer responsibilities as long as they can be independent, which she clearly is. Her flat sounds lovely, and she has a lot going for her.

The mother sounds like a lost cause, especially because drink and drugs and a man is involved.

She may change in the future, especially if she drops her man. Stranger things have happened, but the best thing your gd can do is stay away from all of that chaos.

howcanihelpgd Sat 03-Jan-15 13:30:51

thank you,i will explain to gd that actually being away from the abuse and chaos is actually beneficial for gd.
she definitely wants to progress in a career, as she says that she wants to financially support herself through her life, and not rely on anyone else.
so whilst she keeps her financial head just above water, she wants to find an avenue that will lead to financial security.
she is adamant that she doesn't want children, the flash backs too vivid in her mind, poor little thing.
her mother won't change, simply changes one abuser for another, which is odd as she had a good childhood with both parents.

sakura Sat 03-Jan-15 14:03:34

Interesting that she has decided not to have children. A lot of young women are making this very same decision, and why not? She will remain free. Children are wonderful but as women we lose an awful lot when we have them, at least the way childrearing is set up for us. Tell her that she can choose her family from now on smile

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