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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH watching couples having sex online

19 replies

milkyjo80 · 03/01/2015 09:26

Not really sure what to think. Yesterday morning he wanted to have sex and I said no as I was really tired cos our 6 months baby keeps waking me up all night so I said why don't you play with yourself and I will watch. He then said to me that he sometimes watches couples having live sex and he has a wank. He asked if I was ok with it and I said yes but now I am not sure. I am wondering how often this is going on as I am sleeping with baby in another room so it won't wake him during night as he works full time. Its not as if we don't have sex, we did the day before, some weeks we can have 2-3 times but some weeks nothing as I am too tired waking up up to 10 times a night. Last night I was wondering when I was trying to get dd to sleep if he was having a wank while watching other couples at it. many years ago I caught him watching girls online and he tried to hide it from me. I am making a big deal of it? Please le me know why you think.

OP posts:

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Vivacia · 03/01/2015 10:02

I don't think it matters what anyone else thinks. So long as his behaviour is legal, it's what you feel and think that is important. Having said that, I think it's reasonable for you to not be comfortable with some of his behaviour. Perhaps it's the lying? Perhaps it's the voyeurism?

flux500 · 03/01/2015 10:32

I agree that it really only matters what you're ok with.

personally I would not be ok with this. he's the silent third of a threesome and to me is a bit more involved than just watching random porn.

you'd only know he's doing this lots if the site is bookmarked or maybe if he goes to the site while you are there you can see if he knows the url off by heart of gets there through a search. This could indicate how frequently he's been doing this.

Eminado · 03/01/2015 10:47

Why isn'tbhe helping you with the baby - esp on a weekend?

Sounds to me like he has too much time on his hands, given that your baby is only 6mo and waking up so often.

Why doesn't he use all of that wank time and do something useful like watch the baby while you get some much needed rest. Ffs.

Joysmum · 03/01/2015 10:49

If you're no ok with it, you're not ok with it and so should talk to him about it.

JeanSeberg · 03/01/2015 10:51

He sounds like a lazy, disrespectful arsehole.

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 10:56

If you're not okay with it tell him so, and what you are okay with. I would prefer a partner watched two consenting adults having sex on a webcam than a lot of porn, but would be concerned about frequency and involvment. On lots of these sites you can make requests (it's like a chatroom) and pay "money" (coins which you buy or whatever) to see specific things. I suppose that's the whole point, it shouldn't be free (because the people having sex are doing it for the money- just like porn) but I don't like the idea of someone regularly spending family money on wanking.

Bottom line, though, is he needs to know what you're okay and not okay with to avoid any resentment building up. It's good that he was honest with you about it, so be honest with him too.

simontowers2 · 03/01/2015 11:15

He sounds like a creepy wierdo to me.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 03/01/2015 11:44

Creep. Liar. Not an ideal parent.

milkyjo80 · 03/01/2015 12:28

I think what flux500 said about being the silent partner in a threesome is spot on how i feel and I thought that perhaps he could be helping me out more at least at weekend and letting me having a full night of sleep. Couple of days ago I finished feeding dd at 2:35 in morning went to kitchen to put the empty bottle in the kitchen and saw some light in bedroom, checked and he was watching TV. That really pissed me off and he complained the next day he had a headache. In fact he's in bed now with headache again. I don't want to be unfair as he used to let me sleep from about 19:00 till 23:00 during the week while he looked after lo but because it used to take me ages to go back to sleep I said it wasn't worth it. If I find out he's paying for this service I will go mental. He already spends money online on that fucking william hill which i am not happy about. Will be checking bank statements later on. I have seen some strange transaction with £20-£30 more than once recently which doesn't look like cash taken out of the wall. Thanks for your messages

OP posts:

Branleuse · 03/01/2015 12:36

i dont think its a big deal on its own & Wouldnt concern me. Its hardly hardcore porn or sex abuse on camera. However if its just one more thing thats pissing you off out of many, then you really need to be as honest there as you are with each other sexually. Hope you manage to speak to him x

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 12:39

FWIW payments may go through PayPal or another secure paying service thing....so I'm not sure how they'd turn up on a statement. I'm sure there are sites where it's just a couple wanting to be watched, but I think the majority probably cash in on it. They'll have a bunch of strange men watching asking to see the womans feet, no doubt.

I'm not sure about your DH doing you a favour by letting you sleep 7-11pm. He'd be awake anyway and is DCs father. Giving you a few hours off just seems like common sense sharing of work, not some brilliant assistance.

JustJanice · 03/01/2015 12:41

No win situation wrt porn on here isn't it?!

Normal porn - disrespectful to women, they're all being abused, it's all disgusting because they're forced into it.

Couples having sex online knowing they're being watched, all consensual etc - anyone watching is a third party in a 3some

What about if you just THINK about other couples having sex? Is that allowed or is it disrespectful? What if you think about them doing something they wouldn't do in real life? Is that even more disrespectful?

Windywinston · 03/01/2015 13:17

It doesn't matter whether other people are ok with this, it's what you think that matters, everyone's boundaries are different and a good partner respects those boundaries.

From your posts a number of things are clear. Firstly, the positive, he's been open about it with you, so isn't actively trying to deceive you. That's important.

Now onto the bad. He's letting you do all the work with your baby at night whilst he has time to wank to strangers having sex. That's so unfair and he needs to do more. Also, I wouldn't imagine this is one of those things that men justify doing because "all men do it", this is a few steps beyond that and he should have had the decency to check whether this is something you're ok with first (he must have known there was a distinct possibility you would not be ok with it, seeing as he has hidden similar stuff from you in the past).

Lastly, if he's spending family money on this, he certainly should be checking with you first.

Even if I were comfortable with what he's doing, I think I'd personally be worried about what else he's given himself permission to do, as he seems to be struggling to understand what you are and aren't comfortable with in terms of his internet use or he fully understands and doesn't care

Aubrianna · 03/01/2015 13:59

I can understand why you are finding it hard to deal with and I think I would react exactly the same as you have if my dh told me this. I would try to be ok with it but really it would upset me and I would wonder why he felt the need to do this.

I think that possibly by mentioning it so casually to you he was trying to normalise it and perhaps may have wanted you to say "great Ill watch with you" .

GlitzAndGigglesx · 03/01/2015 14:02

He also needs to be helping with baby in the night whether he works full time or not! If he has time to watch other people have sex he has time for his child. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it. Is he paying for the live shows?

milkyjo80 · 03/01/2015 15:02

I don't know if he's spending money or not. Checked Dec statement and nothing unusual that month. Need to check rest. Bloody hope not. I asked him if it was free and he said people can make a contribution. I can't ask him to look after little one at night time during the week, he wouldn't do it anyway and I don't think its fair he works full time. I don't like the idea of him watching live sex. Will talk to him once toddler has gone to bed.

OP posts:

NettleTea · 03/01/2015 16:05

why wouldnt it be fair to ask him to help in the week - youve had, what, 6 months of broken nights and he has slept through all that time. Plenty of dads help with night feeds, full time work or not. How do you think parents who both have to work manage.
I dont expect you are catching up on your sleep in the day times either, so it may not be paying work, but I expect you are on call 24/7 7 days a week, plus probably expected to do all the housework/shopping/cooking/washing??

You have been incredibly kind in allowing him his unbroken sleep, but now you find that, when he COULD have been helping you, he has been watching TV or porn instead.

What a wanker. Literally.

hereandtherex · 03/01/2015 16:15

He's done what you asked.

He needs to pull his weight.

You need to think what you say.

HanselandGretle · 03/01/2015 16:20

His line 'you can make a contribution' re the sites he's using would to me read 'yes, you do have to pay'.

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