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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

platonic (?) friendships with men - advice needed!

44 replies

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:10

I have a good male friend. We are both single, and I have strong feelings for him. For various reasons I had decided to keep these under wraps, but I can't shake a lingering feeling that he might like me too. I'm not sure whether I am misreading things though: although I had some good male friends when I was younger, recently most of my close friends have been women.

E.g. when we are in a group of people, we will often catch each other's eye and smile and/or laugh at something that is going on. Is this just completely normal, and am I reading far too much into it to see it as a sign of connection/chemistry?

OP posts:

Report

RandomNPC · 02/01/2015 16:15

Sounds like a strong connection to me. From a man's perspective, why don't you ask him? I know it's difficult and a gamble, but it's very difficult to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. Do it now, before he gets a GF and you regret not asking!

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:20

At this stage, I wish he would get a girlfriend! At least then I could put the whole thing out of my mind.

We definitely have a strong connection, I just don't know whether it is sexual or not. He has a lot of female friends, and I think gets on very well with women. I know he also values friendship in general. So it may be that he is just a more 'intense' friend than most people. If I told him and that made things weird between us, I would really miss his friendship - so it feels like a big gamble.

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BreakingDad77 · 02/01/2015 16:26

As a guy myself we have a nightmare trying to work out 'signals' 12 foot signs work best.

When you say goodbye is there a linger while you hug?

Perhaps you need to engineer something so your together, ramp up the flirting?!

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:29

I wouldn't say there is a linger, no, but we are both quite reserved (perhaps even slightly inhibited!) people. This also creates issues with flirting.

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OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:32

I think it's the fact that we are both reserved/unflirty that makes the frequent eye contact and obvious rapport stand out. But clearly you can have good rapport with somebody you are Just Good Friends with.

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BreakingDad77 · 02/01/2015 16:34

have you thought of doing a non-date date?

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:36

Do you mean going to the cinema or something like that?

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BreakingDad77 · 02/01/2015 16:39

Yes lol

BreakingDad77 · 02/01/2015 16:41

Or any other common interest thing which you could do together? - maybe some excuse of one of your friends not available can he come?

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 16:41

I do sound like a bit of a lost cause, don't I!

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RandomNPC · 02/01/2015 16:48

Faint heart never won fair lad!

GingerbreadPudding · 02/01/2015 19:12

Could you confide in a mutual friend who could then see what he thinks in some way? Normally I would suggest you just ask him but when you're good friends this could be massively awkward. If a friend could say something to him like 'you two are clearly good together, why don't you get together as a couple?' See what he says... Ideally the friend is a bloke said a woman would more obviously have been primed.

RandomNPC · 02/01/2015 19:28

That's a good idea too

MadeMan · 02/01/2015 20:42

"E.g. when we are in a group of people, we will often catch each other's eye and smile and/or laugh at something that is going on. Is this just completely normal..."

I think it's normal to do this kind of thing with anyone you get on well with.

DrMorbius · 02/01/2015 20:50

I am with( BreakingDad77), my DW says considering I have a big IQ etc, I am a moron with women , he may need 12 ft signals. If a lady would have just told me back in the day. Life would have been so much easier.

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 20:54

Thanks, guys, I appreciate the advice. What do you think about saying something along the lines of "look, I've got this ridiculous crush on you - I'm 99% sure you don't feel the same way, but I just need to hear you say it so that I can move on". That way, he hopefully won't feel too awkward giving me the brush off. I'd hate for our friendship to suffer, but I do feel like I need some closure on this.

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getthefeckouttahere · 02/01/2015 20:56

If you feel it then it may be an attraction. Instincts are usually good about this sort of thing.

Don't get a friend to ask, he may not tell them his true feelings and..... you're not 12 year olds.

Pick a moment, a quiet coffee together or a night round each others etc, somewhere you won't be disturbed and just take a huge breath and ask him. i would try something like this. 'i was thinking about you and me last night and realised just how well we get on, it made me wonder if maybe there was something more than just friends in it?'

Then you will know. For once and for all you will have your answer. If he rebuffs you there will be a minute or two of mild embarrassment but at least you will know. Go for it!!

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 21:00

Thanks, getthe. That sounds like good advice.

I NEVER normally feel like this, which is making it hard to forget about it. For a while, I just felt like things would happen naturally, but they never did. One possible scenario is that he does like me, but is holding back for various (understandable) reasons. Or else he is just 'good' at friendship, and I'm misinterpreting.

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olderguy · 02/01/2015 21:07

As mentioned us men do need things almost spelt out for us, maybe he doesn't want to say anything as he's scared of losing you as a friend if he does?

daisychain01 · 02/01/2015 21:12

Would you mind if things progressed but then didn't work out in the end (romantically that is)?

Just wondering if you would miss his friendship if you then had to go your separate ways. It isn't that easy or straight forward to revert to just being friends IME.

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 21:16

Yes, I would mind and there is also a fair bit of interconnection in our lives that would be tricky to sever. So in many ways it would be much safer for both of us to carry on as friends. My head definitely feels like it's best to stick to the status quo. But my heart feels like it is very rare to meet somebody you could really love, and so I am finding it hard to let this go.

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DrMorbius · 02/01/2015 21:26

What about saying - "hey, I really like you, I think you would be my ideal partner. But I would prefer your friendship than to to lose you as a friend. Now you know how I feel the choice us yours."

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MadeMan · 02/01/2015 21:28

"What do you think about saying something along the lines of "look, I've got this ridiculous crush on you - I'm 99% sure you don't feel the same way, but I just need to hear you say it so that I can move on"."

I wouldn't put words into his mouth, or negative ideas in his head. If he doesn't feel the same then fine, but you don't need to suggest to him that he's not interested because it might give the impression that you've already made your mind up and moved on from him.

OhWhatShallIDo · 02/01/2015 21:34

Thanks, MadeMan, I take your point. I just want to give him a gentle way out. I do think that the chances are that he's not interested, this is more about me getting some closure on the whole thing.

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Twinklestein · 02/01/2015 21:35

Lack of self confidence is a bit of a passion killer, if someone told me they were certain I wouldn't fancy them I would find that slightly depressing.

Is getting pissed and jumping his bones out of the question?

Flip

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