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Arghhh! I NEVER seem to be getting anywhere. 1 step forward, 9 steps back!

(17 Posts)
stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 12:17:15

Hi,

I'm 30 and have had depression on and off since puberty. Left school with nothing because of my depression and have been out of work for the past 10 years. I have been a SAHM to a very demanding dd, so you could say I have been working to some extent hmm Appear to have lost most of my friends (very gradually) since coming out as bi and beginning a relationship with a woman. I'm sure most of you will say that my sexuality played no part in these fizzled friendships, but I'm almost certain it has. It's odd how contact became less and less after telling them I had a girlfriend, no? I got the usual, 'I'm fine with it, you are who you are' etc, but over the past year or so, I seemed to have lost more and more friends and I don't seem to be able to make new ones either. It's not like I haven't been making an effort, but I'm not going to keep trying again and again. I need to keep some dignity afterall! I'm probably just extra paranoid and don't want to get hurt again. Maybe I'm putting up a wall or something since my other friendships fizzled out.

Anyway, I'm just feeling so incredibly lonely. My dp knows how I feel and she does try to be supportive. It's hard for her to understand though. I don't understand myself most of the time tbh! I know I'm not the dumbest, but I just don't have the confidence to get out there and use my full potential and in all honestly, I don't think I have any anyway. People have told me in the past what my strengths are and that's lovely to hear, but deep down, I think they're either lying, or they don't yet know me well enough and if they scratched the surface a bit more, they'd soon see there wasn't much substance there and I'm actually not that clever and not that interesting. It's the same with my appearance too. I have worn make up everyday since I was 12 because I don't feel attractive without it. It's like when I look at myself in the mirror without make up, I'm not really looking at me. Friends (when I had them) and family would tell me I'm pretty, but again, I just assumed they were being nice, or that they're only saying it because I have my 'face' on. I've had CBT, but it quite clearly hasn't done me much good. In fact, my therapist suggested I might have body dismorphia, but we didn't really discuss that too much.

I feel like a rubbish mum too. I sometimes feel completely clueless. I know most parents feel like that occasionally. The thing is though, I feel like I'm getting it all wrong. I love her more than anything, but that's not enough is it. I worry she will hate me as she gets older for leaving her dad and starting a relationship with a woman.

Don't know why I'm posting this. I know it's only me who can help really. I just don't know how to.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 13:01:18

Bump

Anyone?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 13:11:02

It sounds as though the depression you've had 'on and off' is either back 'on' or your self-esteem and confidence are rock bottom or both. The result is pessimism, self-loathing, self-doubt, all conspiring in a sort of race to the psychological bottom. If you believe you are worthless it's ridiculously easy to shape your life and your attitude to make the evidence fit.

If you've had CBT in the past and if body dismorphia was mentioned (any eating disorders go along with that?) then it sounds as though you should go back to the doctor and tell them you're still very unwell. Ask your DP to support you in getting help. Yes, a lot of the recovery process will be down to you, but the medical profession need to urgently intervene.

Good luck

RandomNPC Fri 02-Jan-15 13:23:50

I've got no useful advice, but didn't want to read and run. I wish you the best of luck.

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 13:33:42

Thank you, Cogito

I've been seriously considering going back to the doctors, but they always want to push ADs and I've had really bad experiences with those. I don't like the idea of taking them again. I know there are lots out there, but I would much rather not go down that route, if possible.

This Christmas we spent with my family and on the surface, it was a perfect, family Christmas. I know I would have appeared happy and festive because I was trying so hard not to let anything show. I kept having to go off on my own because from nowhere, I would get this build up of emotion and I needed to have a cry and get it out of my system. My dp doesn't know that. She knows I have a downer on myself, but she doesn't know I cry every single day. It's getting to the stage where it's very unusual for me not to cry at least once. Normally when I'm in those situations, like family get togethers, I can control it, but I just couldn't this time.

I know this is really dark, but I've been thinking about death a lot recently too. This is a fairly new thing and it's really scaring me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 13:44:28

Please go back to the doctor. Talk to them about your feelings and also your anxiety or bad experiences with ADs. ADs are not one homogenous lump and different chemicals affect different people - there are alternatives. If ADs are not working it may even mean you have been misdiagnosed and that there is some other problem. Take your DP along for moral and practical support because, if your condition means you lack confidence, you will need someone in your corner being persistent. This is not the time to put on a brave face or hope it will all go away. Why do you think you should not let anything show?

Thinking about death is not necessarily abnormal btw. It is part of the ageing process to be more conscious of your own and others' mortality. If you're saying you're suicidal, that would be a concern.

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 13:45:40

Thanks, random

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 13:50:13

Cog, I think I've just been put off AD's generally, but I do understand there are many different kinds. I don't like the idea of trial and error though iyswim. When I came off the last lot, I was ill for months. God it was awful. I've not been the same since.

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 14:11:55

I didn't want to let anything show, because I didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. I didn't want to drag anyone down with me. I definitely lack confidence, but not necessarily in the usual, obvious way. Most people who meet me wouldn't think I was lacking in confidence, or so I've been told anyway. I don't hide away in the back ground. I do speak up for what I believe in. I think I've become quite clever though, at pretending to be ok. I'm not ok. I'm far from ok. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy. Even though I'm with someone I love to pieces and I feel very lucky to have found her, I still don't feel happy. I feel guilty to have a beautiful, quirky dd, a beautiful, smart dp and a very supportive, loving family and still feel this awful. Not having proper, loyal friends anymore is really dragging me down, as I've said. It's making me wonder if they were ever really my friends in the first place. I know friendships naturally burn out sometimes, but this is just ridiculous and for it all to happen so quickly after I came out.... it bloody hurts. That's when I needed them the most.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 14:12:07

Please talk to your doctor about your experience & the side-effects etc. When it comes to psychiatric/neurological conditions - same as a lot of other medical problems - it's often a process of elimination. Sometimes it requires tests or a stay in hospital to get things stable. If you walk out of the surgery and don't return they will simply assume that all is well and you need no help at all. That's clearly not the case.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 14:15:49

To me - and I'm not medically qualified - a working definition of depression is a feeling of hopelessness that is at odds with circumstances. When you appear to have all the ingredients for a nice life and are unable to enjoy it or feel that it will all be taken away, that's when you must seek help.

Without wishing to ramp up the pressure, you will drag people down the longer you stay untreated. Putting on a brave face isn't working if your D knows you are sobbing every day. Children are not easily fooled either.

stepawayfromthepringles Fri 02-Jan-15 14:50:19

I know I need to sort myself out for the sake of others and not just for myself. I suppose each bout I have gets harder and harder to deal with, because it makes you think 'well, why hasn't it worked before? And why would anything work this time?' I'm losing faith I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 17:14:59

It's understandable to feel despondent if treatment has been unsuccessful. If you're already depressed, it compounds the problem. However, that's why you need to call on the support of others who are stronger, go back to the doctors and ask them to try again. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and when it goes wrong, it goes wrong. As for 'sorting yourself out'... if you had a broken leg you wouldn't be putting on a brave face, hiding the pain and thinking it was all down to you to fix it. A broken mind is no different

Talk to your DP, make the appointment and I hope they find some answers for you

stepawayfromthepringles Mon 05-Jan-15 10:29:42

Thanks again, cog

Had a really bad couple of days. My dp broke down, which she just doesn't do and said that she didn't feel I wanted to be with her anymore and that I love her less. She said I've been distant, but she's very aware of my depression and so I was confused as to why she was taking it personally. She couldn't be further from the truth, but it's awful if she's sensing that my feelings for her are dwindling, when they're not.

The physical symptoms have returned and they're just crippling. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding, my
breathing is really hard, I feel sick. I just can't see the light and I'm in such a negative place that even if things do start right, I can't enjoy them because I assume that inevitably, everything will come crashing down again, because that's life, isn't it?

stepawayfromthepringles Wed 07-Jan-15 10:29:29

Just made an appointment. Really nervous about it. Can't believe I'm back here again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Jan-15 16:44:30

" She said I've been distant, but she's very aware of my depression and so I was confused as to why she was taking it personally."

Depression is bad enough for those experiencing it. For those around the person experiencing it, it can be utterly terrifying and bewildering. We all want our loved ones to be happy and well and it's painful to see them suffer. When faced with a partner going through a 'normal' rough patch we can do our best to cheer them up or make them feel better. When it's a serious medical problem, when they're showing frightening behaviours like sobbing all the time and we can't help (and they refuse to seek help), there comes a point when a partner is going to wonder 'is it me?'..... Quite natural. They're also going to wonder if the relationship is worth persevering with if this is how it's going to be.

Of course they take it personally.

So that's why you've got the appointment. Your wellbeing is important not just to yourself but to those who love you. Please be 100% honest with the GP about your history, your symptoms and your fears about medication.

stepawayfromthepringles Thu 08-Jan-15 14:46:41

Ffs the doctor I wanted to see is off sick apparently (not their fault obviously) but I really don't want to see anyone else. Knowing I was seeing a doctor I had discussed issues with before and trusted, made it slightly less scary to put things into action. Don't know what to do. Apparently they could be off all next week, but I really need to talk to someone. I can't stop crying. I only leave the house to drop off and pick up my daughter and even then I'm doing the classic avoidance thing, of not making eye contact with anyone, keeping my head down and making sure I don't leave too early, to avoid an awkward wait. I can't bear being here again. I have done nothing with my life. I'm wasting it, day by day. I'm so tired of this.

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