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He is trying to worm himself back in!!!!!

(19 Posts)
Namechangeragain1234 Fri 02-Jan-15 11:27:12

After finally splitting with my BF for lots of reasons in feeling like he is worming his way back in and it's so hard to stay strong! I wish things could be different between us but I have now come to terms with the fact the relationship is never going to make me happy and I need it over!

My main reasons for ending it are:
The way he behaved and treated me when I feel pregnant planned!

His drinking that he promised he would address/deal with a year ago, he did for a few weeks then slipped back into his old ways!

The huge issue around sex, been problem for 2 years he won't address it, thinks as long as he tells me to roll over "and I will stick it in the back of you" for a few minutes (before I lose my erection) every few months cuts it!

No intimacy at all, no kidding/cuddles etc

Always puts his exw and son way before our baby, would not attended any of our baby's hospital appointments for health issues but will drop everything to make sure he is there for his sons school/health etc meetings

Wouldn't look after our baby for a few hours when 5 weeks old and I was to ill to get out of bed but will drop everything to look after his son if his ex is ill (even when her younger dc from her current marriage is ill he has dropped everything to go there)

Realizing my older dc's have noticed his drinking..... I do not want them growing up in that environment!

Arguing when he is drunk why I won't let him carry baby upstairs etc!

I do NOT want the children growing up thinking this is normal!

I actually do not trust him to look after baby alone!

These are just a few reasons why I ended the relationship, I honestly tried my hardest to make it work for over a year now, but i can not change him, it's something he has to want to do himself!

Please all tell me these are valid reasons and that him doing the right thing, I need help to stay strong, he is now acting like I haven't finished it and all is fine..... ITS NOT

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt Fri 02-Jan-15 11:28:39

He sounds utterly grim.

Sickoffrozen Fri 02-Jan-15 11:34:29

He sounds awful. Just make it clear again and stick to your guns.

scarletforya Fri 02-Jan-15 11:36:52

Of course they're valid. Trust yourself. You don't need external validation or permission to refuse to have him back.

Finola1step Fri 02-Jan-15 11:37:34

You were right to finish it. Your life and your dcs' lives will be so much better. Keep repeating this to yourself.

Then start looking at practical arrangements. Is he still living in the home? What's your mortgage/tenancy situation? Communicate with him via email so you have a paper trail.

By trying to work his way back in and pretending that you haven't finished the relationship he is sending you a very clear message. That he is in charge, that your feelings and decisions do not matter, that he makes the decisions.

Get him out.

notsureifitsme Fri 02-Jan-15 11:39:56

It helps to get your thoughts out somewhere here and list off all the reasons you know he isn't worthy of you.

Well done for getting rid and now just stick to your guns, keep posting here if it helps - I know its helped me hugely to have support on Mumsnet.

He sounds like a complete an utter c*nt. Almost like a little boy, not a man.

Sending hugs flowers

tigermoll Fri 02-Jan-15 11:40:58

You don't need 'valid reasons' to end a relationship - you can simply chose to end it and that in itself is reason enough.

However, even one of these things (the sex sounds especially dehumanising and upsetting) is a very good reason to not go out with this horrible man. You have done the right thing!!

olderguy Fri 02-Jan-15 11:44:01

You really put up with all that! Any one of them reasons is valid reason but the most valid reason of all is your happiness

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 11:50:23

How exactly is he trying to worm his way back in? What are the contact points? How could they be reduced or eliminated?

Gfplux Fri 02-Jan-15 11:54:31

What a complete shit he is. You are well rid of him. Tell him to get on his bike and ride out of your life for EVER.

Windywinston Fri 02-Jan-15 13:11:26

He sounds grim, especially the sex.

So you've done the right thing, well done. Now stick to your guns, it will be worth it. Cut all non-essential contact. Do not allow contact in your home. If you don't trust him to have unsupervised access, could you ask a family member to assist? Contact should be about your child only, anything else, block, ignore. Until you're feeling stronger could you insist that all contact regarding your child is also done through a third party, a family member perhaps. This doesn't have to be forever, just until you're feeling stronger?

Namechangeragain1234 Fri 02-Jan-15 13:22:47

Thank you, sometimes a little boost give you the strength!

Just finding he is almost just getting the relationship back with idle chit chat and not mentioning the split, I text asking what I need for baby as he is in tesco quickly ended him him phoning to check nappy size and he just waffled on like nothing has happened!!!

We need a certain level of contact because of baby and for now I'm going to have to allow contact in my house (on advice of HV) because of the drinking, sadly no family local who can help except his mum who is also a alcoholic hmm

He is coming to see baby tomorrow and I have made it clear he can for a few hours then we are off out!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 13:57:53

I think your HV is saying that his alcohol problem means that he should only have supervised contact.... not that it has to be in your home. If he is worming his way back I think you should stop the home visits, get legal advice and set something safe and supervised up outside your home instead. Your home must be a sanctuary where you can be completely free of this person

For the rest, text about nappies if it is necessary but cut the conversation off there.

2rebecca Fri 02-Jan-15 13:59:49

You can't get a sexual relationship bck by just chatting. I think if you are going to be good parents then it helps if you can be civil to each other. That doesn't mean you have to sleep with the guy or live with him. If you are clear what your own boundaries are then him being nice to you shouldn't affect anything.
I don't mention the split all the time to my exhusband, I've no need to. You don't have to keep talking about something for it to exist. You no longer wish to be in a relationship with him and have told him that. Move on in your own head and emotionally detach from him. I would also be clear about how long "a few hours" is. To me 2 hours is long enough with an exboyfriend and I'd give him a timeslot and make it clear he is only there to father his child and you do something else but keep an eye on him and make it clear when it is time for him to go.

2rebecca Fri 02-Jan-15 14:02:55

Also agree that you don't "have" to allow him access to his child in your house. HVs aren't experts on family law. Ask a solicitor for advice. Supervised contact can occur in special centres, it's not your job to facilitate his access to his child. That's his problem to sort out.

CaramelPie Fri 02-Jan-15 16:52:37

If he has to have supervised access then this is something he needs to be organising not you. He sounds horrid.

GingerbreadPudding Fri 02-Jan-15 19:00:10

Yuck, the sex thing sounds utterly awful. I'm cringing for you on that one alone. The scary thing was breaking up in the first place, don't get back with him as you'll only have to do that again at some point further down the line, he sounds horrible.

GingerbreadPudding Fri 02-Jan-15 19:09:49

Yuck, the sex thing sounds utterly awful. I'm cringing for you on that one alone. The scary thing was breaking up in the first place, don't get back with him as you'll only have to do that again at some point further down the line, he sounds horrible.

littleleftie Fri 02-Jan-15 19:14:07

He is just trying to press the re set button. He thinks you should be over your little huff by now and it's time for you to forget all about it and get things back to how they were, because that suited him.

I agree with PP - do NOT allow him in your home. He can have contact at a contact centre if he needs to be supervised.

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