PILs being confusing!

[KiltedKoala]

I know that gp childcare is an emotive topic on mn but please be gentle! I was a part-time OU student and sat my final exam in October. DD who is just over 2 goes to a CM 3 days a week as it was the only way I got any time to study.

At the moment I'm in a limbo period of job hunting and I got my results mid December so also applying for postgrad study options now.

In the midst of all this I then found myself unexpectedly pg. Stressful because I planned to return to work or study full time this year but we got our heads around it and were delighted. Unfortunately just before Christmas we discovered it was a mmc - I was supposed to be 11 wks and baby was 8 wks with no hb, having seen hb at 7 wks. It's our second mmc and we were totally gutted. I had ERPC on Dec 23, and am ok but still quite exhausted and with Christmas etc haven't had any time to recover emotionally. DH had to work all the time apart from the public holidays, and the CM is on holidays since Xmas Eve until the 12th. So the timing is rubbish and I am exhausted. I feel sorry for DD because I just don't have my normal levels of patience or energy.

Because DH felt bad about not being able to take time off, and was aware DD was tiring me out, he asked his DM if she and or FIL could look after DD one day next week to let me rest.

After having been really mean after our last mc, I had been surprised how lovely they had been this time - picking up DD from the CM on the Tuesday because I was still in hospital and keeping her until we picked her up about 9 (which was straight after I got out), and also looking after her on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day MIL gave me a cuddle and said if they could do anything let them know, here to help, blah blah.

So imagine my surprise when DH asks about another day next week and FIL totally lets rip - why can't KK do it, when will she get over it, why should we look after her child so she can rest? You went out a bit over Christmas so she obviously doesn't need rest....etc etc. Blindsided doesn't cover it - they offered help, we asked, and then we got a shouting match!

ps I didn't explain to them because I didn't think it mattered, but with everything that's happened I've fallen behind on job and uni applications so if they did look after her for a few hours, I would be catching up on jobs like that, not having a sleep!

I wrote them an email just to say I was confused and a bit hurt, that if they aren't free to look after DD that is totally fine but that the other comments were hurtful given that they had told me to ask if I needed help. Said email has been ignored so far.

Advice? Do I ask them if we've done something terrible to offend or take them for granted? DH just wants to ignore it but I think I am too hurt by the comments and the perception that I am lazy, should look after my own child (which I am doing most of the time) and should be over my mc.

[KiltedKoala]

oh God, that's really long, sorry!

[MissHJ]

Sorry about your mmc.

To be honest your pil sound like horrible people and now they have shown their real colours. It's that's their attitude, you know now never to ask them to look after your dd.

How is your oh about it all? My oh would be furious if his parents said that to us.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Do you think they might just actually be heartless bastards?

[Mrsgrumble]

Oh god, you didn't need this on top of everything. Cruel to say you should just get over it :( :(

So sorry about your miscarriage.

I think I would back away for a while. They must feel taken for granted but in the long run you might be better using paid childcare. I think it's always messy looking or favours.

Is there another childcare option available ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What did your DH say in response to this letting rip business? Did he stick up for you at the time? Did he take them to task when they were 'mean' with you about the last miscarriage? I'm a little surprised that you ended up writing a letter. Did he not tell them that they were being unreasonable? Or is 'ignore it' the usual pathetic way he deals with conflict?

Rather than worry about whether you have offended them, I'd suggest voting with your feet and giving each other a wide berth until they apologise. And have a long hard chat with DH about manning up and squaring up to his parents. IME IL problems are usually 'DH problems'.

[HumphreyCobbler]

Mrsgrumble, the OP does use paid childcare, this was a one off I think.

So sorry OP. Your email was spot on but I bet it makes no difference. They sound like horrible people and you deserve better.

[Mrsgrumble]

I know that, sorry

I meant for her to have a bit of time to recover/ applications since cm off until 12th.

No way would I rely on them and then for them to spout.

[GlitteryLipgloss]

Sorry to hear about your previous MC

Did your DH ask why they suddenly did a U turn on the helping out?

Don't contact them - keep them at arms length - any communication go through your DH, let him handle them and arrange other childcare for now and the foreseeable future.

How were they mean after your previous loss?

[Somethingtodo]

As cognito says - DH needs to sort this not you. They are twunts - YOU need to keep out of their way and DH needs to reveal if this is their normal way to behave in emotional situations - or being asked to help.

Are they unsupportive and uncompassionate generally? If so keep your distance.

Can you call your CM to see if she can help you out for a couple of hours in the circumstances - or ask if she knows another CM who might help -- they all know each other and often refer on - so that you can get ahead with what you need to do wrt job hunting / post grad applications.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"After having been really mean after our last mc,....."

Can you describe what 'mean' was in that context? 'Mean' seems an odd reaction in the circumstances.

[MinceSpy]

What a hard time you've had, sorry for your loss. Let DH deal with his parents. Put the job applications on hold until the CM is back. Enjoy your time with your child and let yourself heal.

[MaryWestmacott]

Don't contact them again. Can you afford to pay for an extra day with the childminder? Or can your DH take a day's leave? Otherwise, at the weekend, can he take DD out for the day somewhere to give you some peace and quiet to get on with uni and job hunting.

Take care of yourself and try not to ever be in the position where you ask them for anything again. I'd not do any arranging to meet up with them either, let your relationship with them slide if they aren't prepared to put in effort when you need it. they aren't very nice people, and therefore aren't best to be left in change of your DD.

[KiltedKoala]

Will try and answer a few qs - DH doesn't like conflict, his approach is well, they're clearly being utterly ridiculous so I'm just going to ignore!

previous loss - they already knew we were pg, then nuchal scan revealed mmc despite no bleeding, pain etc. DH rang them and told them we had lost the baby - response was oh well, that's a shame but you're about to move (we emigrated from UK to where they/DH are from) and at least this way you can get settled first and then have a baby when it's more suitable We then spent a year or just over ttc after that loss and it was a constant stream of - when are you people going to start a family?! I remember one time she asked that in the middle of a restaurant and DH stood up to her for once - I was so proud. he said we already have started, we just didn't get to bring the first one home I would've said whenever we get pg, you stupid woman!

I agree they must feel taken for granted but it still seems odd - to offer help and then be so nasty. They looked after her a bit (2 half days over the weekend and an evening the day we moved) when we moved house almost 3 months ago; and one extra day just before my exam, but we don't often ask them. we didn't ask them for Christmas Eve, they offered and I have another friend who would have done it if need be but she's now back at work. I could investigate other CMs but I didn't really want to be sending DD somewhere completely new if possible.

Should also say that DH rang them yesterday to wish HNY - email was not mentioned and he got some vague story about how FIL and MIL don't share a diary and are trying to have more day trips. Fine - I have already said that I understand if they're not free to have her, but that doesn't excuse the ranting!

[Mydelilah]

OP sorry about your mmc. I agree with Mincespy, you have had a tough time, with xmas on top and need to be kind to yourself. Take some time out from the job hunting, look after yourself and give yourself time to process the mmc emotionally.

Re your PILs, they have shown you can't ask them for help, so strike them off your list of childcare options and keep them at armslength. Your DH needs to worry about them, not you, dont let them get to you

[DistanceCall]

Ignore these people. You can't count on them. And they're really nasty.

Bear this in mind with regard to your child and future children.

[nicenewdusters]

His parents, his problem. If he defends himself and you against their cruel and nasty remarks problem solved.

If he does the usual head in the sand, "Oh it's just the way they are", your problem is now them and him.

I would never ask them to babysit/provide childcare again. You don't have to explain why to anyone. Keep them at arms length, let your husband do all the phoning/arranging/contacting. Set your personal boundary, stay behind it and keep your sanity.

Don't set yourself up to be knocked down by them. If they say things in the future that you don't like, respond as you would do to a friend. They don't get an immunity card because they're the pils - all the usual rules of social discourse apply to them as well.

[Isetan]

They are his problem and if he doesn't stand up to them, then he is the problem.

Ignore them, they aren't worth the head space.

[littleleftie]

DH is the problem.

After what they did, he called them to wish them a Happy New Year - as if nothing had happened?

Urgh!

[slightlyworriednc]

To me it just reads like they're two separate people. MIL hugged you and offered help, FIL ranted at you and refused.
I don't get the 'they' as they seem to be acting differently here.

[BarbarianMum]

Yes, I don't understand that either. Do they both actively treat you badly, or just your FiL? Is MiL sympathetic, does she back your foul FiL or is she intimidated by him?

[drudgetrudy]

I was also wondering about the "they" thing too and wondering if they both act the same-although I see MIL has said a few insensitive things to you.
It does sound a bit as if she was willing to help at first and then he got awkward about it.
Does she ever act independently of him and come over on her own?

[KiltedKoala]

Should have explained - in general I would say MIL wears the trousers at home. She's retired whereas FIL is supposed to be but actually is in the office at least 2 days a week, often more. He's been not working FT for something like 18 months I think but they still don't really know how to work it practically. On the odd occasions that DD goes to them, they are usually both there although less so recently.

You are right that it was MIL who offered help etc, but then the other day when DH called MIL he was told that she needed to check with FIL what his plans were and could he put her through (dh and FIL work in the same office). DH put the call through, next thing he's getting called into FILs office and given the dressing down previously mentioned. DH was shocked because he says his DM was nice on the phone, just a bit vague, but then FIL seems to have tried to step in and defend her in some way and that's where it got messy with the horrible comments.

As for the call on New Years Day I think he was using HNY as an excuse to call and see what they said. He hadn't said much during the original conversation as he was so shocked, then I sent the email the following day. When he called, the email was not mentioned and there was just vague chat about them being busy, not coordinating diaries, and wanting to go on more day trips. I believe he only spoke to FIL.

[ovaltine]

Personally I would have called them rather than send an email which it sounds like they will now ignore. Totally no need for how FIL ranted. I always think it says more about them than about you. And who cares if you did just want to sleep - my MIL often had DD so I can get some sleep (like on NYD) and never makes me feel bad about it (but then I'm a bit of a mouthy cow )

[KiltedKoala]

Yeah, I now wish I had called but I was confused, hurt and emotional and I was worried what I might have said in the heat of the moment. I thought an email gave me the chance to read what I was saying and edit it as necessary. I never really call them either so it would have felt strange. But I think I should have just bitten the bullet and called and at least now I would know where I stand.

[BarbarianMum]

OP I think your email was fine and if they ignore it, unfortunately it is very clear where you stand.

I suggest you revise your relationship with these people to "polite, distant". Don't confide in them, don't expect help from them no matter what they apparently offer. And be clear with your dh what you are doing and why.