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what's wrong here?

(20 Posts)
Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 09:51:08

Dh and I have a bit of a strained relationship at the moment. Newborn and young toddler (very small gap) but was planned due to age etc.

When I went to bed last night dh (one of his usual 'giving advice sessions' said I shouldn't let myself get into a temper.

I think I let things brew inside then I do have a rant. But never lose my temper.

I would never lose my temper with a baby. I am so hurt he has this opinion of me. I can't get passed it and slept in the spare room

We don't have much fun anymore but I accept that. But I am sick if his lectures. My confidence is low. I have no other support (my mother doesn't get involved hates dirty nappies, also If she visits she will comment of cobwebs so more pressure)

I can't talk to him today, I am too hurt. I can't even drive to get out of here for a while

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 10:11:06

Interesting. Sounds rather patronising if he's always giving (and I'm inserting the word 'unwanted') advice. 'A rant' sounds like someone losing their temper, however. Who do you rant at?

Joysmum Fri 02-Jan-15 10:16:00

You sound like my DH.

I mini moan about everything as it happens as that's my release. It drives him scatty!

DH doesnt, it builds like a pressure cooker. I'm forever wishing he would vent as he goes along as I think it's more healthy. He's not like that though and we just have to cope with the fallout when it happens.

We're into our 21st year now and neither of us will change.

GlitteryLipgloss Fri 02-Jan-15 10:20:35

I think men just like to offer practical advice where as I think us women just need to bend an ear and moan into it without asking for any practical advice back. If you see what I mean.

You can always rant here to us - that way - you don't have to bother moaning at him and he will have nothing to whinge at you about either!

Don't take it personally, and don't create a void in the relationship - as that will create more tension.

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 10:22:05

I don't shout.. Just tell him things are not on. Like him doing his hobby all the time or that.

I don't know. Things don't feel right.

He will tell toddler to ' stop that ' no different to me. He is very into clean living and even if I have a glass of wine he will think there is no need. Maybe we are too different. I am probably a bit bored and frustrated. I would have to plan stuff for us to do anything different to the norm at weekends Etc

I am going to build a life for myself outside of the home and get my own hobbies etc

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 10:24:08

I can't mess up my marriage. I feel I am.

I can't look at him today and slept in the spare room.

He comes downstairs all chirpy. I feel he is being silly, like he didn't say anything. At least we will have a break from each other next week.

IsItMeOr Fri 02-Jan-15 10:26:01

Yes, I would suggest that you start by thinking of some nice/kind/fun things that you can do for yourself as that is pretty easily done.

It helps me if I couch it in the context of 5 nice things I will do for myself this week - then it's manageable stuff like having a bubble bath, or whatever floats your boat.

How much time does he spend on his hobbies? And what is the impact on you and your DC?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 02-Jan-15 10:26:04

One persons "having a rant" is another persons "losing your temper".

I wonder if you saw yourself "mid-rant" as an outsider you might be shocked at your tone, volume and expression.

It's worth thinking about whether he might have a point, however the time he picked to bring this up - just before bed, wasn't great.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 10:28:10

You're both allowed to tell each other that something is 'not on'... but you should be able to do it in a constructive way that doesn't cause resentment. Maybe you are too different? No two people are identical and any relationship involves compromises but, at heart, it should be an equal relationship where differences are minor and respected.

You mention your age as the motivation for having children close together. How long have you been together, what kind of age are you and how long was the gap from living together/getting married to the arrival of the first child?

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 11:05:01

I think I am keeping my distance for a while and not engage in discussion except that I ave to under a year and a half, recovering from surgery, cramped conditions, no support and I'm bringing all the income in. I'm not doing too ad. And repeat. And repeat.

As petty as it is, the message might filter through to mr perfect!

Sick of him

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 11:05:24

Have two dc

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 02-Jan-15 11:10:31

He is your husband, not your father. It would irritate the hell out of me if I received a lecture every time I enjoyed a glass of wine. Is he controlling in other ways?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 11:17:30

Being passive by keeping distances and saying nothing is not to going to solve anything. My feeling is that this business of being cheery and telling you not to lose your temper.... 'calm down dear'.... is a way of closing down discussion. If you take the passive route then it's worked. Realise you're recovering, cramped and have no support but if you're genuinely sick of him, do something concrete.

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 12:06:26

Dh just came down and said 'they are behaving well today' I said yes that's good that men's I won't lose my temper with them today.

He said 'would you not?' Arsehole.

So he obviously thinks I would

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 12:06:44

That means

ImperialBlether Fri 02-Jan-15 12:09:49

Is he a SAHD? You say you bring in all the income.

Quite frankly, he sounds really irritating.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 12:15:51

You mention 'cramped conditions' and a recovery from illness. Are you thrown together too much? Is there a temporary pressure-cooker aspect to this? Is there anything either of you could say to each other that wouldn't result in tempers fraying?

Trying to work out if this has been a consistent feature of your relationship or if it's a response to some kind of acute but short-term stress.

phoenixrose314 Fri 02-Jan-15 12:27:02

Hi Mrsgrumble. Sorry to hear that things are strained with your DH, that always makes life difficult especially with young children around.

After our DS1 was born, the relationship between Dh and I changed, and not for the better - somehow we got into this rut of taking little digs at each other, always needing to be right, finding ways to bring the other person down. Anyway, to cut a long story short I got DS babysat one evening (when he was about a year old) and we went to our local for a few drinks and I basically said to him that I needed our relationship to change, because once upon a time we had been a team, but recently I felt like our entire relationship had become a power struggle, trying to get one up on the other one all the time. He was silent for a few moments as (to him) this was out of the blue, but he then agreed and said it had become like that but he didn't know how to change it.

We started by forgiving each other for all the small little things that wind each other up all the time - he forgives me for forgetting to replace the loo roll and putting poopy nappies in the inside bin instead of the outside bin, and I forgave him for always leaving his stuff around the house and for the fact he spends three evenings week out with his other two children and with his dad. We had to put ALL resentments aside and start afresh. We also made the babysitting a regular thing (perhaps a friend could help you out?) so that one evening a week we get to spend time together, even though all we usually do is pop a film on and eat crisps.

You both need to agree that things as they are, are not right and doesn't feel nice... talk about what changes you could both make, and accept that you will need to meet halfway.

Good luck OP xxx

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 12:28:03

Sorry yes, married few years. Didn't live together before marriage. No we both work full time but had long Christmas break together. The way his shifts work we had longer off than the usual two weeks.

So maybe pressure cooker.

We have just had a row. He said he would never knowingly offend me. But I don't think he has a great way of wording things. I think that he doesn't know how to say stuff without sounding like a lecture. He thinks he is helping me.

I need to get away from him just for a break. He is irritating the hell out of me. He probably hate me now too. In his family his mother says nothing. She often tells me things (we get on well) but says its best to say nothing. I don't talk about our marriage to her, obviously.

Breaking up isn't an option. Have to work through this. I can't talk to none as friends are younger and wouldn't really get it (in party mode) and mother isn't the best- she would love this shit so the only one is my SIL but she is happy go lucky and would let things go over her head.

Mrsgrumble Fri 02-Jan-15 12:33:25

I am not working full time just now, btw (maternity leave)

I think I want to solve it like you Phoenix. Dh is not aggressive and very agreeable most of the time. He doesn't let too much annoy him but he does believe and have opinions on society and morals and all that. I was a bit more 'liberal' and sometimes get frustrated. We are similar in a lot of regards but I definitely like more fun.

I do a lot on my own with dc - groups, out and about, coffee shops, events and dh will come at weekends but I will have to organise. He loves them when he gets there. He is regimented. Takes bins out at particular time, eats the same breakfast, goes to church

Don't mean to give my whole life story.. Dr Phil would have a field day

(Does anyone know how to reduce red eyes. I have an appointment ;) )

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