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Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

(228 Posts)
AmINeedy Fri 02-Jan-15 08:58:30

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ��

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt Fri 02-Jan-15 09:02:40

Don't move in with him. You can see exactly what your life would be. Sounds like he has an alcohol problem as well as the other issues you mention.
I'd suggest you finish it ASAP.

Justwanttomoveon Fri 02-Jan-15 09:03:53

Don't think your needy but I wouldn't continue in the relationship, his social life comes before your relationship, if he can't prioritise spending time with you then you are only going to end up getting hurt when he puts you second/last.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 02-Jan-15 09:04:33

Of course you're not needy, your needs for intimacy (not just sex) are not being met.

And your partner is using socialising to avoid intimacy. That is your fundamental problem, everything else - the avoidance, the golf, the 'popping in' to see you - it's all because he can't do intimacy.

Unless he chooses to address his intimacy issues you are going to be completely unfulfilled. There is no reason not to have other types of sex apart from the fact he doesn't want intimacy.

He is not loving or kind, not intimately engaged with you. He has serious issues that he doesn't want to address.

Unless he agrees to want intimacy (spending time with you, hugging, kissing, treating you as a partner) then this relationship is doomed.

trappedinsuburbia Fri 02-Jan-15 09:04:55

He just wants someone to do his washing by the sounds of it.

GingerbreadPudding Fri 02-Jan-15 09:05:09

He sounds awful. I might have missed something but you slipped in that he'd been on match.com. That on its own is rubbish let alone no more sex etc, honestly - there's a reason he leaves a wake of exes. Move on

Hissy Fri 02-Jan-15 09:06:08

oh dear god! how tragic is this relationship? sad you poor thing!

my love, be honest with yourself: what are you getting out of this?

companionship? no
intimacy? no
the thought that you are placed above and before all others? no

he won't make time for you, he won't address his ED for you. I strongly suspect that his drinking may be behind this, but he's determined not to change that either.

he wants to move in so he can be a (diff) cocklodger.

dump him. honestly, you deserve SO much more, so much better than this.

don't waste anothher second on this guy.

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt Fri 02-Jan-15 09:07:03

Why does he say he wants you to live together? He doesn't want to make any effort to have sex with you, and you barely see him at the moment.
You'd be a housekeeper who handily contributes to the bills.

Hissy Fri 02-Jan-15 09:07:50

sorry, duff not diff

olderguy Fri 02-Jan-15 09:09:02

There's a reason why he has 3 ex wives and many ex partners. He is prioritising his social life over your needs and it sounds like he needs a woman to be a mum to him rather than a parter

LineRunner Fri 02-Jan-15 09:09:49

I agree with the posters above, and would add that you probably need to bolster your self-esteem so you don't find yourself 'loving' an unavailable drinker (or similar) again.

You're not needy, he just doesn't want you to restrict his lifestyle!

I know you say you love the bones of him, but seriously, why? He's a selfish, self-centred bloke who is never going to put anyone else's needs ahead of, or even equal to, his own. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

How much does he drink? Does he get drunk every time he goes to the pub? Because if so, then he might be borderline alcoholic as well, and you definitely don't want to get involved there.

DO NOT move in with him. It will only make you even more miserable, as you'll be left alone with all his domestic drudgery, while he's off out pissing up and having a fine time. I don't think he actually wants to have a relationship with you at all, I think he wants an unpaid housekeeper. That's clearly not what you want, so fuck him off now.
Seriously, LTB.
Do it.
Go and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you, and care about you, and love you. You're worth it.

Gingerbread - the OP said it was her exH who spent time on match.com.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 02-Jan-15 09:12:08

This isn't really a relationship is it!

Now you know why so many exes. Make yourself into one of them immediately.

caravanista13 Fri 02-Jan-15 09:13:21

You are not being needy! Look at hisc track record - he's clearly a charmer who can't sustain a close relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 09:13:44

If you love someone, love them for what they are now.... not what you think they could be with a little work and if they were a bit different. It'll save you a lot of disappointment. There's a reason he can't hold down a steady relationship.

Twinklestein Fri 02-Jan-15 09:15:59

C'mon OP - 18 months of this? Far from being too needy this is not even a proper relationship.

FolkGirl Fri 02-Jan-15 09:19:50

We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.

This doesn't sound like love. It sounds like a gut wrenching, desperate fear of being alone/losing him. Have you confused love with feeling like you need him?

How can you "love the bones" of someone you haven't bonded with fully?

In fact, I could have quoted most of your op. This isn't love at all.

Now you know why he has so many exes. There's nothing wrong with his lifestyle, except that it isn't compatible with being in a relationship.

Joysmum Fri 02-Jan-15 09:26:38

Sounds like he wants a casual friendship, not a relationship.

AmINeedy Fri 02-Jan-15 09:31:00

It's as said, I fell for him , he's truly a lovely man.over time I've got to know him he's a big softy inside .
I am scared of losing him, not being alone as suggested as I am pretty much on my own , we may stay over together once a month and not see him for days or weeks at a time so I am very much alone so him not being around won't make that much difference.
It's my heart, I've never felt so connected to a man yet all this is soul destroying and I'm not sleeping because I know it's pointless but I really think the world of him, I'm a grown women and I'm wasting my time on him, why can't I let go, because I love him,,,,,,how pathetic am I? sad

BalloonSlayer Fri 02-Jan-15 09:31:20

This is why he has no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners - he's always in the pub, or playing sport and he can't get it up.

And he has no interest in changing.

There is absolutely no point in pursuing a relationship with this man. As his three ex wives and many ex partners would tell you.

pictish Fri 02-Jan-15 09:36:22

Don't think he wants a relationship in the traditional sense does he? More a sort of partner that loves him and washes his clothes, while he gives nothing in return.

There's no intimacy and he doesn't want to spend any time with you.
What's the point?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 09:36:51

It's not pathetic but it is an infatuation or an obsession.... not love. We most want what we can't have and this man dangles the carrot of availability (and moving in together) when it suits him to do so, when the reality is that it is all on his terms and he's unlikely to ever give you the close partnership that you really want.

When someone makes you this unhappy... feeling alone, not sleeping, soul-destroyed, frustrated, etc.... then you have to take a big step back or even sever ties completely.

What do you do with the rest of your time? Are you sociable, going out with plenty of friends and making the most of your life? Or are you constantly sat home waiting for him to be in touch?

AmINeedy Fri 02-Jan-15 09:39:30

He does his own washing and ironing, he'll cook my son and I Sunday lunch , he doesn't fit the typical stereo type, he doesn't use me at all, that's why it's all so confusing

pictish Fri 02-Jan-15 09:40:02

And yes I agree - he has all these exes because he's no use as a life partner.
They probably all thought he was a lovely man too, but decided they were worth more and saw sense enough to turn him loose.

He doesn't want a wife or girlfriend, he wants pubs and sport. You're not needy...he's no good.

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