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Please can someone shed light on my dad? He's fucked our lives up enough and we want any perspective we can get

(17 Posts)
IsPopsANarc89 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:11:49

My siblings and I grew up with a father who now none of us have much to do with. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive in a nutshell. That's not really the issue though. We want to know what he is and what he does. They mention terms on here like gas lighting and narcissists, toxic people etc.
I'll do this by bullet points. Any perspective or opinions are valued highly.

Speaks condescendingly to people.

Name drops 'important' and more
'educated' friends into conversation, kind of living through them/boasting.

High opinion of his physical self yet spiteful about women in particular. Calling them fat/nasty nicknames/the way they dress

Gossips and back bites constantly about people, reveals people's private business and awful secrets

Very clever luring people in and gathering information about them

Unfaithful many times to his spouse

Doesn't care for a relationship with his adult children and although financially comfortable, doesn't care to help them out even in times of difficulty. No concern for grandchildren or wish to see them,

Is in awe of his current spouse (businesswoman) and boasts of her salary and where they live

Is reminiscent of David Brent from the office.

Please can someone just give any view on who my dad is and how we can move on from his behaviour rather than trying to cope with it? Would really appreciate some answers

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 01-Jan-15 21:21:22

My feeling is that some form of psychological diagnosis by total strangers won't necessarily be helpful. All you need to know is that he's a Grade-A shit, and sorely inadequate with it.

"Doesn't care for a relationship with his adult children"

Bloody bonus, I say! If he's a prick who contributes absolutely nothing to his children's lives, then he's not worth your time or consideration. Knowing whether he's a narc or whatever else he could be, or a combination of any or all personality disorders isn't necessarily very helpful. What is helpful is to cut him out of your life completely and forever. And be happy with your life with him not in it.

Fuzzyfelt123 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:24:31

Hi OP - didn't want to read and run. There are some wiser MNetters who will be along shortly I'm sure. The little I know about Narcs seems to fit what you say about your DF. What's his background? Narcisstic tendencies are believed to be triggered by abusive or difficult childhoods. They can't be changed, so you have to change how you deal with them. Lower your contact with him, for instance.

IsPopsANarc89 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:28:21

Thanks so much for the replies

He didn't have a great upbringing. Parents both a bit batty but nothing major that I know of. He seems to see himself as a very middle class organic food eating cultured cheese and wine man with interesting educated friends. He is not educated, and I don't mean just in the sense of university, I mean in general. He is in awe of others.

IsPopsANarc89 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:31:56

I do know his mother was an apparently vicious gossip as well so perhaps that is learned behaviour. It's just the fact he can't ever say sorry or see anyone's point of view which concerns us.

CogitOIOIO Thu 01-Jan-15 21:39:48

I also think that giving the behaviour a psychological title is less important than identifying the behaviour itself. He's clearly a cowardly bully and, as so often goes with it, he's an arrogant shit.... Men like that are usually compensating for some big inadequacy and can only feel good about themselves if they're throwing their weight about, blaming and intimidating others, mouthing off and spewing hot hair. He's a 'small' man.... mentally, physically or both.

CogitOIOIO Thu 01-Jan-15 21:51:11

How to move on from someone like this...... to quote Harry Potter's response to Voldermort in the Order of the Phoenix. ... 'You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.'

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 01-Jan-15 22:16:24

He's patently a deeply insecure and inadequate man, and deserves only to be pitied. And avoided if at all possible. That's all you need to know.

IsPopsANarc89 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:27:56

It does make sense yes, he is obviously over compensating for something. Nobody knows what though. I guess I just wanted clarification, or experiences from others about this kind of batshit he does all the time.

EssexMummy123 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:44:00

"We want to know what he is and what he does"

Why?, would it help to have a label? what if that's just his personality and how he is, you can't change that - and TBH there's probably not a lot of point in hoping he will change.

Mintyy Thu 01-Jan-15 22:46:54

Oh he just sounds like a terrible old bore op!

I'm really sorry you got him for a father, but labelling him as this or that isn't going to help you one jot.

You don't like him and you don't have to spend time with him. Just focus on that flowers.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:53:36

He's an arsehole. Doesn't matter why, he just is.

I'd distance myself from him (as you are all apparently doing). But don't spend valuable time worrying or wondering why he is the way he is. As far as being justified in going NC or very limited contact, it's enough that he is to justify that.

But as far as the issue of financially helping out his children, although it's nice when parents do that, it's not a requirement even if they can afford it. I'm sure I would. My parents did. But I never thought they 'had to'. Just that it was nice when they did.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 09:30:33

"Nobody knows what though. "

There doesn't have to be anything specific. Some people, I'm convinced, are born with a resentful, selfish, arrogant streak. A chip on their shoulder. They believe they ought to be superior just for being themselves, automatically deserve special treatment when they haven't done anything to deserve it and are therefore constantly disappointed and bitter when life doesn't roll out the red carpet.

I knew a man who was the youngest son in a wealthy family, mother doted on him, spoilt by his four elder siblings, lavished with attention, life opportunities and everything money could buy. In spite of everything, he always thought others were either getting a better shake or were plotting against him. A more resentful, shallow man I've yet to meet.

They're small people who get no pleasure out of life and never know love. Bullying others is all they've got.

however Fri 02-Jan-15 09:35:52

I believe the correct term is Insecure Arsehole.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 09:45:12

"Is in awe of his current spouse (businesswoman) and boasts of her salary and where they live"

This is snobbery and it's usually from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. By hanging around with (or marrying) people who they regard as superior, they think a bit of it rubs off on them. It's also why they despise anyone who they regard as inferior ... backbiting, nitpicking, etc.

chicaguapa Fri 02-Jan-15 09:48:11

Based on what you have written, I'd agree that he fits the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What jumps out to me is that he appears to feel that he's better than others (condescending and puts other down) whilst at the same time aspires to more (in awe of his wife). Have you looked at the traits online and seen if you can tick off 5?

I can see why it's important to you to understand why he behaves as he does as it validates the fact that it has nothing to do with you and is all completely his problem. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-Jan-15 10:24:18

He's probably (amongst other things) a narcissist but it's a big leap to diagnose NPD. A lot of people display narcissistic traits... vanity, egoism, selfishness etc... without having a psychiatric disorder

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