They couldnt make it any more obvious, but my kids will notice. thats what pisses me off.

[jimijack]

Mil died 3 years ago. She tolerated me, I know I was not her cup of tea.

Anyhow, I organized for dhs family to get together for a meal every year on her birthday. It's extended family too.
This year I haven't mentioned it, so fil took the lead & organized things. All good.
I'm working on the day arranged but can get there if it's tea time.
Dh mentioned this during the arrangements. Fil kind of smiled then continued with arranging afternoon.

Again, I know none of dh s family like me so it's fine by me.
My son is asking why I can't come. Told him I am working. I think he is twigging that all isn't rosy, this makes me sad.

Families are hard work .
So, do I go home after work or nip in knowing it will piss them off for a drink? I know she & my kids will be happy to see me, but it IS for late mil so don't want to upset anyone.
Btw I can piss them off by doing nothing at all, that's the way it's been for 20 years.

[jimijack]

She& kids

[jimijack]

DH

[Schweetheart]

I think not going makes more of a statement than not going. You can't do right for doing wrong it sounds, so I'd pop in for your DH and DC and scarper quickly after!

[Schweetheart]

I mean I think not going makes more of a statement than going.

[heyday]

Perhaps the majority found it easier to make daytime.
I think you should just stay quiet on this one as starting a scene won't get you anywhere and won't win you any friends.
Just pop in after work and act as if nothing is wrong.
Hold your head up high and don't let them rattle your cage.

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

Oh please do go, don't give them the satisfaction of divide and rule

My mil and I don't get on, she likes to give me the evils when she thinks I can't see her doing it, no way on earth I would let her continue her diatribe after death

Go along for your kids and stick those two fingers up at the miserable lot of them

[earplugsahoy]

I would turn up,breeze in speak to a few people make a show of being there. Then leave without saying bye to anyone.

Dammed if you do dammed if you don't by the sounds of things so they may aswel have to pain tolerating you whilst you could care less

[annabelcaramel]

Go for reasons as above. Good luck.

[jimijack]

Wouldn't dream of saying anything or making a scene.
It's hard work, sigh.

[jimijack]

I can be breazy!! Oh yes I can be dead breazy!!!

[christmaspies]

Yes, go.

[Vivacia]

I've never heard if this kind of thing. Why would you organise it, when you weren't close??

[Starlightbright1]

I would say as they don't like you , do what ever makes you and the children happy

[CatsClaus]

Will there be any booze...there's your perfect excuse, you can swan in, say your fond hellos and be in charge of the car keys to get home as dh will obviously be raising a toast to his Mama.

[jimijack]

We always went to this pub for family birthdays or celebrations. I suggested we continued on her birthday, she loved it there.

No one was doing anything so I rang round and organized it the last 2 years.
Was a nice thing, only time my kids saw dh extended family.
I think it's important for them to have contact with family.

This year It's in the week when I am off, but fil organized it for Sunday, as its when everyone is off. Best for the majority. I c o Ulf go if it was at 5 as I finish work then, but he said no to dh, it's now at 3.

[thecatfromjapan]

I don't know why you'd bother , given that it's hassle, you'll be tired, it'll be drawing to a close anyway, and they'll be wanting you to be sober and drive everyone home. Why put yourself through so much hassle when you have the perfect get-out. Worked late; came as soon as I could; hello everyone, 'bye now, hop in the car, see you all soon.
Hating you is quite a strong reaction. Are you sure about that?

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

He's definitely arranged it to keep you put then so I would definitely make sure to turn up and say what a shame it is the birthday girl can't make it - ouch!

[jimijack]

Yep, as much as eggs is eggs, they can't stand me, never have.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Can't be added after 20 years!

[scarletforya]

I was thinking that too. If the mil didn't really like you and the rest of the in laws felt the same they probably resented you organising her memorial meal/birthday anniversary.

I wonder why you did...?

[jimijack]

As I said, it was a nice thing to do and its important that my kids to maintain contact with extended family that they only see at that time once a year.

It was mil s favourite pub. It's only a carvery, nowt fancy or expensive but she loved it there.

[Vivacia]

What do you think about the suggestions earlier that members of her family may have felt your actions were a bit insincere or pushy?

[gobbynorthernbird]

It's a nice thing to do
That may well not be how the rest of the family feel about it.

Also, as with any large gathering, they may just have gone with what suited the majority. It may not be personal at all.

[springydaffs]

Honestly, I don't know why you bothered in the first place.

She didn't like you, they don't like you. Why bother at all? You say it's so the kids can see extended family but why do you want your kids to have a relationship with people who don't like their mother and make it obvious? It's not good for them, apart from anything else. They sound vile. Why would you want your kids to have them in their lives?

If they cba to organise something on the anniversary then leave them to it.

What is your husband doing about it ie his horrid family btw?