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Still in shock - Friends DH made pass at my DH!!

(56 Posts)
chasingtail Thu 01-Jan-15 16:20:29

So spent NYE with a very dear friend of mine and her family (as we do most years). We don't live near each other anymore and subsequently only get together a few times annually.
Friend confided in me that her DH had been suffering with severe depression over last few months and has been on ADs for about 6 weeks.
Anyway obv copious amounts of alcohol last night were consumed last night. Friend and I turned in about 1am leaving totally plastered DH's putting the world to rights.
This morning I got up quietly to not disturb DH only for him to sit bolt upright and declare that we needed to leave ASAP. Apparently after us girls had gone to bed friends DH disclosed how bad he'd been feeling and how he felt he could only really talk to my DH. He then started coming onto my DH in a really aggressive manner, making it quite clear what he wanted to do with him!!!! My DH sobered up PDQ but stayed and tried to talk things through as friends DH was hysterically crying and ranting. Think my DH was worried what he would do if he left him.
When I saw my friend this morning she was pretty upset as realised that something had happened but obviously she has no clue exactly what that was.
We left pretty pronto this morning without seeing her DH but telling her if she needed to talk more we would be there.
Me and especially DH are now in a state of shock and clearly have the dilema on where we go with this. I have experience with mental illness so am pragmatic enough to consider that this outburst may have been the culmination of booze and AD's but it has really distubed my DH who doesn't know what to think. I am also so worried for my friend and our friendship. Should I tell her the extent of what happened or hope that her DH will tell her?

Just can't beleive what has happened and am so cross wit friends DH yet worried for him.

Any advice would be so gratefully received as I desperately don't want to lose my friend.

Finola1step Thu 01-Jan-15 16:25:06

Blimey. I don't know what to advise really. Maybe send your friend a call to say that you are home safe and sound, and then ask her if everything is ok?

Finola1step Thu 01-Jan-15 16:25:54

Oops. Should be send a text or call

Hurr1cane Thu 01-Jan-15 16:27:51

Goodness I would be quite worried about leaving my friend with him if he got aggressive like that. If he'd done that to a woman it would be very serious and it should be serious for a man as well

DoItTooJulia Thu 01-Jan-15 16:31:00

Oh dear.

Your poor friend. Trouble is if you don't say anything and your Dh (understandably) doesn't want to be in his company, it'll leave your friendship in a rotten place. If you tell her, your friendship may suffer, may survive.

She knows something is up from last night. She knows her Dh is depressed. Do you think she would call you to ask about it? Do you think she knows? Do you honk he would have told her a different version of events?

I think you need to talk to her, but how and when is the tricky bit.

Good luck.

Lweji Thu 01-Jan-15 16:31:11

Could it be that the depression is caused by his repressed sexuality?
It would be odd if either the depression or the alcohol would cause someone to make passes at someone from a gender they don't feel sexually attracted to.
I think it's a good suggestion to call and ask if everything is ok. Maybe discreetly remember that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk?

What is their relationship like, usually?

DoItTooJulia Thu 01-Jan-15 16:32:11

Oh and yy. What if he gets aggressive with her?

How awful for you all.

Justwanttomoveon Thu 01-Jan-15 16:32:45

Gosh, really don't know if you should tell her about the pass. Maybe tell her that her dh was in a very agitated state and came across quite aggressive to your dh. Sorry, it's a difficult one

Islander79 Thu 01-Jan-15 16:32:49

I would tell her. Gently, but I'd tell her. She deserves to have all the information so she can make the best decision as to how she goes forward.

CheeseBored Thu 01-Jan-15 16:36:26

I think you should tell her. You would want to know the extent of your DHs distress, if it were the other way around?

PisforPeter Thu 01-Jan-15 16:38:03

Yes, you should probably tell her. I'm sorry it's messed up your NY X

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 01-Jan-15 16:38:08

I would tell her, after all, what if her DH says that your DH made a pass at her DH instead.

Justwanttomoveon Thu 01-Jan-15 16:39:48

The other posters are right, you should tell her, I just don't know how you could broach it.

Shakey1500 Thu 01-Jan-15 16:39:59

Can I just throw something in the mix?

Some people have a VERY strong negative reaction to some anti-depressants. Especially when mixed with alcohol. It has been well documented (and championed by Peter Hitchin) that this reaction can include complete personality changes, out of character behaviour, violent reactions (including where none evident previously) etc etc

I also speak from first hand experience.

Deserttrek Thu 01-Jan-15 16:45:08

This is serious. OMG, he should not be drinking whilst on AD's - or other medicine including steroids - it can turn a normal person into an absolute monster. Let alone the particularities of the person involved - he may have low physiological thresholds.
One of our builders combined a low dose of AD's with two bottles of beer and turned violent and trashed their home. Never before, never since. It was the combination that did it. He tried to do something else, but thankfully the emergency services stopped him.
Sadly though, what has happened here may change some dynamics forever (between the two DH's in particular), but you and friend should talk about this now and encourage her to encourage her DH to seek medical help in my experience.
This may not be about some repression....

Deserttrek Thu 01-Jan-15 16:49:48


Thank you for your post, which crossed when typing mine.
It hit me like a diamond when I read OP's post - this could so easily be medical, in which case the DH needs to stay off alcohol and probably have a second opinion on whether the treatment he is having is correct for him. And a second opinion from a different practice.

coffeeandcalpol Thu 01-Jan-15 16:50:03

I'd tell her, but to make it easier for her is suggest you were worried about the effect of the AD's as his behaviour was so out of character, then gently explain what had happened

chasingtail Thu 01-Jan-15 16:53:53

Thank you so much for all your prompt replies. There are so many angles to this my head was spinning.

We have always thought they had a good marriage and seemed very attracted to each other so def no suspicion that he may be gay/bi.
As some posters have mentioned apart from the rest if it I am most disturbed by the aggression. DH doesn't want to go into detail until the DCs go to bed so I can only imagine what happened. Guess I will find out later. And yes am v mindful of what may have happened if he'd tried that with a woman.

Apparently there is a history of bi-polar in his family but he thought his case was more a case of general depression. Anyway you look at it he clearly needs help.

My friend and her DDs are so gorgeous I could weep for them. Am beyond angry at her DH for putting us all in this position but also feel guilty because he is clearly unstable.

Will text her and just gently ask how things are going

Shakey1500 Thu 01-Jan-15 16:57:48

Absolutely Desert, it was my first thought also.

chasingtail I assume this is completely out of character for him? I would ring your friend as Desert has also suggested, and explain what happened. In my (totally unqualified) opinion he urgently needs assessment and help. Poor bloke. And poor you, DH and your friend sad

I'm not minimising your or your DH's shock btw, just that this type of behaviour, whilst unacceptable of course, is explainable given the circumstances.

Deserttrek Thu 01-Jan-15 17:05:54

I have just read all of this post again. Cannot stress how important it is to get medical help. It always says so in the small print on the very tiny label in the top right corner.

Am beyond angry at her DH for putting us all in this position but also feel guilty because he is clearly unstable. For you friend and her gorgeous DD's sake, lets not prejudge this OP.

Timetoask Thu 01-Jan-15 17:16:28

I think this is the third thread I've where getting "hammered" has led to this sort of behavior. There was a woman here saying she had lesbian sex with her husband's best friend's wife!!! Despite she not bring a lesbian. Most people were telling her to keep it quiet.
Honestly, if you have known them for years and this is the first time something like this has happened is it possible that the combination of ads and huge amount of alcohol proved too much?
I worry that if you tell your friend there will be no way of recovering from this and you might put her in a very difficult position.

Deserttrek Thu 01-Jan-15 17:30:06

OP can I just ask, having reread your posts in particular, why you don't know how to talk to your friend about it? There is so much in your posts that suggest you are very close, but also aloof in some way. There are other things about your opening post that seem a bit odd - almost detached.

ctmummy Thu 01-Jan-15 17:57:17

I just wanted to add on to the other comments about odd reactions to ADs/alcohol- I've never had any psychotic episodes in my life EXCEPT for two times when I combined ADs with getting pissed. It was absolutely terrifying and I acted extremely bizarre... it is something to bear in mind. I would definitely speak to her though and try to support her as best you can.

winkywinkola Thu 01-Jan-15 18:03:26

Desert, if this were my circumstances, I think I would be very worried about how to broach this with my friend! I don't think the op sounds detached from her friend at all. She sounds hugely affected and worried.

Leave off the silly friendship analysis. It helps not one jot.

chasingtail Thu 01-Jan-15 18:12:26

Desert, not aloof just shocked/bewildered/worried all rolled into one. Today I want to give friend and her DH breathing space, esp as he's probably only just recovered from his hangover.

I do think the ADs mixed with massive amount of mixed alcohol must have contributed in some way to this episode which is why when/if sad she replies to my text I'll encourage her to get him back to gp ASAP.

This was massively out of character for him ( as far as we know) although my friend did say he had recently experienced bouts of uncontrollable crying at work and home.

I think if the sexual element on this I incident wasn't there i may have a slightly different perspective but it is what it is and am upset for everyone involved.

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