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Stag do - advice please!

(63 Posts)
LiquidSilk Thu 01-Jan-15 14:03:36

Hi all,
Apologies as I know that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I'd appreciate some advice especially as I lost my mum last year and she is the person I would normally have asked.

I love my fiancé more than anything and we are incredibly happy together. We are getting married early next year, and as such he will be having a stag do. He has a group of 12 friends who have been best mates for over 10 years. Only one of these have had a stag do, which was a week long thing in Spain organised by my fiancé (best man.)

Since our engagement they have all been incredibly excited about continuing the tradition and having stag do part 2. 10 of the group are single and judging by last time all of them seemed to end up snogging / sleeping with random women in addition to drinking to excess for 7 days. Even the stag, most of them have dubious morals to say the least.

Now I trust my fiancé implicitly, and money isn't an issue but I am already starting to feel worried about this week and what they will get up to. If I asked him not to have such a long one he would be devastated and realistically I have no valid reason to ask that of him. He would if I asked but it wouldn't be fair of me. Bless him he was suggesting a joint hen / stag do for a week but my friends are so flaky or constrained by money that there is no way that they would come away for a night let alone a week.

Don't think there is really a solution but I can't help it worrying me, especially when it's all they seem to talk about!! Its such a long way away and I'm not normally a worrier - it's strange.

Joysmum Thu 01-Jan-15 14:06:12

Talk to him about it. If you're getting married you need to be able share your deepest fears and darkest secrets smile

Cantbelievethisishappening Thu 01-Jan-15 14:11:41

It's a loooooong way on the future.... that is a lot of worrying time. I am thinking that perhaps you don't trust your fiancé implicitly. Or is he easily led?

TheHermitCrab Thu 01-Jan-15 14:20:11

He seems to be understanding if he was the one suggesting a joint doo. Luckily my OH's idea of the traditional stag doo is so off putting and immature to him that I'd never be put in that situation, but I can feel for you.

1. Does it need to be a weeks holiday? Seems a bit excessive for a stag doo?
2. Your partner seems to be having this doo for the benefit of his single friends having an excuse for a piss up, if he's already suggested a joint doo/holiday?

I think you should talk to your partner, even if you do trust him, why would this kind of holiday be appealing to him at all if he's the only one going to be sticking to his morals? All his mates spending a hol shagging around and drinking while he does what?... you'd be bored after a week surely?

GingerbreadPudding Thu 01-Jan-15 14:23:29

I understand your stress about this. A friend of a friend local to us died a we years back on a stag holiday somewhere abroad, basically he drank himself to death and no one noticed until the next morning. It worried me sick that the pressure to drink would be something my husband couldn't stand up to. Realistically, blokes are completely stupid on stag dos with booze and enjoy making the stag as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible and then taking the piss. What helped me was knowing that at some of my very close male friends were going too and would keep an eye on things.

Ultimately, you're just going to to have to accept it and let them get on with it. It's awful but I can't see how you can stop, reduce or make more safe his stag do.

LiquidSilk Thu 01-Jan-15 14:29:46

Thanks - I think you are right, I need to be honest with him about how I feel rather than trying to be the 'cool' girlfriend.

I do trust him, it's just this group are incredibly immature for 30 year olds especially when they get together. His closest friends are lovely as individuals but they seem to regress back to uni days when they see each other (about once a year) Think slipping each other Viagra whilst going through airport security, shaving foam in sleeping peoples ears, getting insanely drunk to the point of collapsing. It's like they become different people, and I know they will aim to put him in as many dodgy situations as possible for a laugh. I've also known them all since uni and have seen it all before. Urgh just wish they would realise that they aren't 19!!!

CogitOIOIO Thu 01-Jan-15 14:29:55

Why not ask him how he feels about spending a whole week on holiday with a bunch of singletons acting like teens? I don't know how long it has been since the last stag week but maybe he's not looking forward to it as much as you think. If ten others are single he's potentially got years of these binges ahead.... confused

If you express your concerns, if he's still keen on the idea and if you trust him then suggest you give fair warning what would happen if you ever found out he'd behaved badly but otherwise adopt the stance 'what goes on tour stays on tour'

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 14:30:23

This is tricky and would really make me sick with worry. My DP shares similar values to me and hates this kind of modern stag-do and always opts out of them.

You need to talk again, and about what he wants, not what his mates want. A"mixed chickens" one-night away sounds much more sensible to me.

AlleyCat11 Thu 01-Jan-15 14:30:49

The wedding is not exciting for men, that's why they get so carried away with the Stag. I can see why a groom feels under pressure to confirm to his mates' ideal Stag. Your guy seems sensible, don't worry what the others will get up to. I wouldn't like it either, especially if you're not having a big Hen. But don't let it ruin the run-up to your wedding. I agree, talk to him, if only to make yourself better. I'm sure he understands your feelings.

TheHermitCrab Thu 01-Jan-15 14:42:53

The fact he actually made the suggestion you do something joint may be the hint that the week may be a little too much for someone who seems to be more grown up than his gang and a week of drinking, sleeping around and pranks isn't as appealing to him as it seems. A lot of stag doos it's the singletons that have the better time, great excuse for a piss up. Seems to be a lot of peer pressure going on.

A joint doo may be a good idea in the same country or for one night so your "flakey" friends can join in. Or at least his doo being toned down somewhat, doesn't seem like that would bother him from what you say.

Friends and my OH have been on stag doo's such as go karting, adventure hols, "Go Ape" and things like that, so don't think it is norm that it's a requirement to get blind drunk and be made a tit out of ;).

ElizabethHoover Thu 01-Jan-15 14:45:55

lol at stag 'doo" like agadoo

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 14:47:15

I know Elizabeth what's going on? It's like 'poo'.

TheHermitCrab Thu 01-Jan-15 14:49:37

Apologies for the misspelling. Please replace all the "Stag doo's" with "A social gathering for a man about to get married".

ElizabethHoover Thu 01-Jan-15 14:50:15

NO WONT! I am saying
'stag DOOO " in my head and it is making me giggle

MrsMarcJacobs Thu 01-Jan-15 14:50:54

Why not ask to change it to a weekend only? He will probably be relieved.

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 14:51:15

Sorry Hermit I didn't realise it was just you using that spelling, I look like I'm having a personal dig now, and I didn't mean to.

TheHermitCrab Thu 01-Jan-15 14:54:06

Aww well *ElizabethHoover" I'm happy to entertain... the small things ay. hmm

Agree with MrsMarcJacobs He will probably be happy with a weekend gathering.

LiquidSilk Thu 01-Jan-15 16:44:39

He has said previously that he 100% wants it to be a week away as is 'tradition' but he will miss me hence the suggestion of a joint do!

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 16:49:17

I can't understand how people have the time and money for week-long stag-dos.

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 16:49:29

I mean, for someone else's stag.

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 16:50:21

Are you under the impression then, that he'll go away and everyone else but him will be womanising and drinking too much?

SuchSweetSorrow Thu 01-Jan-15 16:52:22

Talk to him. I think a week is far too long, and I would also be concerned by his friends previous behaviour when away together. Yes, you trust him but I would be less trusting in this situation. I may be cynical but groups of immature young men on a drink fuelled stag do is asking for trouble in my opinion.

LiquidSilk Thu 01-Jan-15 17:05:22

No he will drink as much as any of them. I trust him not to properly cheat, but a whole week with them egging him on, a drunken snog, lap dance etc that would normally be abhorrent to him who knows. He's not going to want to spend the whole week saying 'no' and being a party pooper if they are being idiots and he is drunk sad A weekend would be fine. The irony is that the first stag do that he organised and was the 'best holiday of his life' the husband and wife have now broken up!!!

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 17:17:02

It's difficult to advise. I can't imagine being with a partner who I thought would want to do those kind of things. I'm not saying he's some kind of superman who resists peer pressure... he just wouldn't put himself in that environment in the first place.

I'm not saying this to be smug, just to explain why I'm at a loss as to what to advise.

It sounds as though this is the man you've chosen and snogs and lapdances are just part and parcel.

Vivacia Thu 01-Jan-15 17:17:34

Are you sure this is what he really wants, and that he wouldn't kill for an excuse to not do any of this?

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