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Friend possibly in love with me.(6 Posts)
I have a male friend who I've known since I was about 9/10, so for over 20 years. We don't see a lot of each other and generally only at social events rather than us arranging to meet up. This has always been the case really although I used to see a lot more of him when we were late teens / early 20s because everyone socialised more then.
We once had a drunken kiss aged about 17 but it didn't go any further than that.
About 10 years ago he got very drunk at a party and announced he was in love with me and had always been in love with me (having already told some of our mutual friends this). He tried to kiss me but I was in a relationship so gently refused him, I told my boyfriend of the time who was also friends with him (not wanting to hide anything) and they had a chat about boundaries which was fine.
He reiterated his love for me about 6 years ago when I'd just met my now DH - telling me he still loved me but wanted me to be happy.
Nothing since then and the occasional social contact has continued. The only other event I guess was that he had an accident that nearly killed him and left him with long term brain injuries a few years ago and I was around a lot (as were many of our friends) visiting him in hospital and helping out.
So, that's the history.
I sent him a happy new year text, nothing special just a generic happy new year which went to all my friends and got a text back saying 'love you happy new year'.
I think I should probably just ignore it but then I wonder if I'm actually making things worse. I dont want him to be in love with me and I don't think he really is. I think he's put me on some sort of weird pedestal and I actually suspect it has interfered with his real life relationships.
Should I ignore it and just carry on as things are or try and limit contact completely so as not to encourage it? I would be a little sad to do that because between declarations of love we get on well and he's been in my life a long time - it's not like it's an issue every time I see him, or at least not for me. I'd pretty much forgotten about it over the last 6 years and I guess I thought he might have too. Or maybe I'm reading too much into the text anyway and he was just being friendly and doesn't think he loves me anymore?
It's not a huge issue but the text has brought it up again, I worry that it's not good for him and I do care for him.
Maybe I could try to be more unlovable when I next see him? Stop wearing deodorant and start picking my nose or something?
Bearing in mind the dialogue you've had in the past, I think you're reading way too much into his text. Yes he loves you but he has accepted the situation as it stands.
I wouldn't read too much into it.
It's important for you to remember that his feelings are not your problem, and certainly not for you to fix.
If it was causing a problem in your life, then you'd have to establish boundaries or go no contact, for your sake.
Otherwise, he can choose himself what do do about it.
i think you're reading too much into it. I messaged a friend and said "love you! Have a great new year" because I love him, not because I want him
Whether or not he's in love with you is not really your problem though is it? In the nicest possible way, his feelings are not your responsibility. Has he ever acted inappropriately or caused you to feel uncomfortable?
Having said that, deciding he's in love with you from one New Year text is a bit of a stretch. Could he have been pisssed? I spout all kinds of shite when I've had a few.
Sorry, the only reason I think it's more of an 'I'm in love with you' than a friendly love you is because of the history of him telling me / other people he's in love with me.
He wouldn't normally add a friendly love you to a text to me or our other friends. But I appreciate it might just be that. I'd be glad if it was.
He's not inappropriate in any way and the declarations of love have been very spaced out over 10 years or so, with perfectly normal behaviour in the meantime.
I know I don't have a responsibility for his feelings. It just makes me sad and a bit uncomfortable. Sad because I want him to be happy and have someone in his life and I think he's unhappy at the moment. In the past its felt like he's used loving me as a reason for failed relationships "I liked her but she's not you" but that makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm not me either - at least not the idealised version he thinks he loves. I'm an imperfect pita who reads too much into texts and worries about it .
I just thought we were well past the whole thing and he had moved on and the text made me worry maybe not.
I guess I'll just ignore it and hope it doesn't come up again in a few more years.
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