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Is this abuse or just being a prick?

(146 Posts)
NameChangerNYE Wed 31-Dec-14 22:43:58

I've NC'd because I don't want this following me around.

I am wondering if this behaviour is normal or if it is an abusive thing? I'll try to explain as best I can.

Been with DP for nearly 11 years. We have kids, but no kids together.

We aren't speaking right now, haven't spoken since about 6 pm. He came in from dropping his kids off at the bus station to go back home after stopping with us for 11 days. I hadn't done the drying up from lunch. I was just watching a programme and then was going to do it after that but he got back earlier than I thought so it wasn't done. He said "why hasn't she done it". She being my DD. I said it wasn't fair to walk in and instantly say she should have done something when his son and daughter had been here 11 days and hadn't lifted a finger (literally). He then does this thing, which he often does, where he will shout his mouth off/say his bit and then I try to respond and he will walk off. In this instance, he said what he said, that I was lazy/my DD was lazy, he shouldn't have to walk in after an hours driving, and be expected to dry up. He wasn't expected to dry up I had just got engrossed in a tv programme and he was back earlier. But then he walks off when I try and respond. He says his bit, and then I was trying to reply and he said "oh just shut your mouth, stop going on about it". I tried to speak and say my bit/my response and he kept saying "shut your mouth" and slammed the back door. He went for a fag and then came back in and I sat at the table and tried to say, it isn't fair for you to come in and picking on me or my DD when your kids have been here 11 days and haven't lifted a finger, he wouldn't answer, he kept saying "i dont need this, you're giving me a headache, why do I need to listen to this". Eventually I lost and slapped both hands down on the table. He responded by thumping both his fists on the table, shouting in my face, and it scared me and I cried, it was just that i was scared, he said "oh now you start crying" and then he did it again, so hard that he knocked over his pint glass and all the beer went all over the wall in the kitchen and all over the table. My DD was in the other room and she started crying and I went to her and he said "oh now she's crying, oh yes oh whats wrong with her now, oh make it into a big thing".

He hasn't spoken to me since. He said at the time, "you did this". But I didn't. I did get frustrated because he wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to say that he had been allowed to speak his piece and then I didn't get a chance to respond because he just kept walking off, but I didn't do anything else to wind him up.

I'm really confused.

Impala77 Wed 31-Dec-14 22:51:44

Hi there, my husband is exactly like this.
He'll start an argument over nothing and then turn it around so it's all my fault. He'll shout and swear, often getting in my face.
afterwards he'll say it's because I wind him up. He also won't let me say my piece it's so frustrating isn't it? I think you have to just ignore him until he's calmed down. Or tell him he has an anger problem and get it sorted or get lost. I've lived with this for 15 yrs and the occasions are few and far between now, but when he blows up it still scares me and my little girl. I think lots of people think behaving this way is normal, its not. Hope you make the right decision.

gamerchick Wed 31-Dec-14 22:54:10

Well no matter what his beef was he had no right to make you and your daughter cry.

Making people cry and blaming them means it's going a smidge past repair tbh.

For eg my husband made poor choices over the past week. I'm cross and I told him I was and we talked it through later on. While I was cross I behaved normally and we got on with our day. We didn't argue or shout and scream as it was done. He does exactly the same with me.

Not drying the dishes is a really petty argument to start and sulking to boot.

He made your child cry.

MinceSpy Wed 31-Dec-14 23:00:04

He's EA towards you and your daughter. What do you want to do about it?

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Wed 31-Dec-14 23:00:19

abusive behaviour imo if it's not a one off
also he's being a prick but the shouting and exerting control (ie not listening to you) are abusive

ffs you hadn't washed up

massive overreaction
he's taking something out on you

not on

how does he apologise for these outbursts?
bear in mind anything that goes 'I'm sorry BUT' or 'you make me...' etc is NOT an apology

Impala77 Wed 31-Dec-14 23:01:28

Some people just use silly things to cause a row, obviously he was pissed about something and used the drying as an excuse to have a go. We've rowed over ridiculous things to the brink of break up.
Eventually I told hubby if it carried on I would leave, and as I say it's very rare now but does still happen.

CogitOIOIO Wed 31-Dec-14 23:05:23

Picking ridiculous fights over nothing and being petty - if it's a pattern rather than a one off - is often a common feature of abusive relationships. It's bullying.

BlackDaisies Wed 31-Dec-14 23:05:37

I think I'm getting old and cynical. But I read this and just think he sounds horrible. You don't need this in your life and neither does your dd. What do you want to happen? Could you leave and make a new life for yourself? Living alone/ with just your dd after living with someone angry and stressed can be pretty wonderful if you're brave enough to try it.

cafesociety Wed 31-Dec-14 23:05:44

Threads like this make me thank my lucky stars I'm single. To make such a drama and be so damn nasty to you and your DD about some drying up? Then to blame you for it all? Twisted and petty. He needs to relax.

He sounds just awful, bad tempered, controlling and it was abusive. Do you really want to be in the situation of not knowing when things are going to kick off and be treated/screamed at like that?

grumpyoldgitagain Wed 31-Dec-14 23:08:34

Sounds like both

He's being a major prick and abusive

magoria Wed 31-Dec-14 23:09:58

Your poor DD. If you don't think enough of yourself to get out of this shitty relationship please think enough of her and how she is being made to feel to get out.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 31-Dec-14 23:11:53

Sounds abusive to me. Does he always pick on your daughter!

Impala77 Wed 31-Dec-14 23:17:36

I don't think it's so easy to just walk away.
He may genuinely have anger issues.
If you've been with him ages and this is the first time, it may just be a one off.
I have known lots of men like this including my own father, so it's very common, especially in men sadly.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 31-Dec-14 23:20:52

He's both abusive and a total prick. Who the fuck does he think he is, your employer? If he's offended by some clean but un-dried dishes he can do them himself.

Does he often pick fights over such petty and inconsequential trifles?

It sounds like he was pissed off about something else totally unrelated but you and your daughter were just the handy targets. Tell him to get stuffed

expatinscotland Wed 31-Dec-14 23:27:20

'I don't think it's so easy to just walk away.
He may genuinely have anger issues.
If you've been with him ages and this is the first time, it may just be a one off.
I have known lots of men like this including my own father, so it's very common, especially in men sadly.'

It is when your child is being emotionally abused by a twat. So what if he has anger issues? He has no right to visit them on other people. And no, it is not very common especially among men, it's learned behaviour and you learned from your father to accept treatment like this from men and are now perpetuating the cycle. You were conditioned to accept that which is not acceptable.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 31-Dec-14 23:33:34

He's an abusive twat. My son's dad was like this, which is why I no longer have anything to do with him save the odd text arranging contact. It's great. Bin him. You won't miss him. Life is too too short.

TendonQueen Wed 31-Dec-14 23:38:17

It's him, not you. Life's too short to spend another eleven years like this. Make this the last time he does this to you. Not acceptable, not at all.

NameChangerNYE Thu 01-Jan-15 00:22:43

He is often very angry. He wraps it up in saying he's stressed or tired. We went through a period in 2009/2010 after his mum died where he hit me a lot but then I moved back to my home town and we sort of split up but he promised the world and swore it was depression from his mum and he stopped. But it's all coming back again. I've done so much while his kids were here. I've done all the cleaning, picking up plates they leave lying around, made them meals they like, done all the washing. I made a special dinner (lunch) today because it was their last day. It was those plates I hadn't dried just because I'd sat and put a programme on.

NameChangerNYE Thu 01-Jan-15 00:25:29

I do make my daughter pitch in and help but I was so annoyed when his kids have been waited on hand and foot that his first response was why hasn't she dried up. His kids wouldn't even bring their cereal bowls to the sink.

SlaggyIsland Thu 01-Jan-15 00:27:11

Hit you a lot???
I just sat up in shock.
Leave. Get far away from him.

NameChangerNYE Thu 01-Jan-15 00:29:41

He will say it's me though. He'll say because I slapped my hands on the table that I started it. He always says "keep your dirty hands to yourself". I was just so frustrated he wouldn't let me speak my bit or defend myself. It's all, shut your mouth, you're giving me a headache.

AnnieLobeseder Thu 01-Jan-15 00:32:17

If someone hasn't done a job (especially something as completely irrelevant as drying up) at his work, does he scream abuse at them and then sulk for hours? Nope? Just you? Then it isn't an anger management thing, it's just him being an abusive cock. This argument wasn't remotely about the drying up, so there was no point in you trying to defend yourself, and it's why he wouldn't listen. Something else had annoyed him, so to make himself feel better he came home and used you as his emotional punching bag. Because that's how little he values you. You say in the past he used to hit you, so he also thinks it's okay to use you as a literal punching bag.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. What would you like to happen?

SlaggyIsland Thu 01-Jan-15 00:32:18

Namechanger, it doesn't matter if he says it's you. It's what you think.
Sadly I think you are right that the abuse is escalating again. Please leave before he hits you again.

NameChangerNYE Thu 01-Jan-15 00:32:27

Yeah he was quite violent back then. He strangled me over the kitchen sink once! But I think I was quite annoying. I wasn't mentally well and I pushed him a lot.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride Thu 01-Jan-15 00:32:41

Fucking run. Make this year the year you ditch this abusive prick. Listen to the wise heads.

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