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Time to end marriage or over-reacting?

(15 Posts)
Jackw Wed 31-Dec-14 22:34:55

I have been married for over 20 years. We have adult children. It's been up and down over the years. It was really bad when the children were small but I was trapped by a lack of independent income. No violence and nothing like the level of abuse that some women on this board suffer, just felt constantly criticised and unsupported.

Things have been better in the latter years but it's not a really loving relationship, just like people who share a house and are reasonably amicable, though I feel that I make more of an effort to keep the peace than he does.

Anyway, my Dad died two years ago. It was a long illness and I had to provide a lot of support, emergency dashes to hospital, overnights at my parents etc. Husband was spectacularly unsupportive, constantly complaining about me doing these things, generally making it all even more difficult than it already was. One Christmas when my Dad was in hospital, he sulked for a week because I wanted to be with my mum on Boxing Day.

Now, my mum is ill and in hospital. When I said I was coming up to visit her today, he threw a strop. I am so sick of this. I haven't got the energy to go through this again. I am currently in her house by myself and am hopefully going to fetch her home tomorrow. I can't stay here permanently as it's too far away from work but oh the temptation not to go back.

balders74 Wed 31-Dec-14 22:46:46

Hi Jackw. Your H was unsupportive when you needed him the most. He sounds very selfish. You need to ask yourself what you gain by staying with him vs leaving.

Would you be able to support yourself now if you left? If your Mum is ill then you need all your strength to support her & not worry about how he will be when you get home. Saying that, it would be difficult to go through separation and support you Mum.

How does he react when you tell him he is being unsupportive? Maybe he doesn't realise.

I hope you get it sorted out. Sending you positive vibes.

cafesociety Wed 31-Dec-14 22:56:10

He sounds selfish, uncaring, unsupportive, childish and sulky...but you already know that. You sound worn down by it all and it sounds draining having to make efforts where he makes none.

What would you really, deep down, like to do? Maybe the marriage has run it's course and you would do better to put your energies into making a new life for you, unfettered by sulks and demands.

What would you lose? Are you still invested in the marriage? How and where would you live? How would your DC deal with it? Time to think hard about what you want now.

however Wed 31-Dec-14 23:04:18

Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life?

There's your answer.

FafferTime Wed 31-Dec-14 23:15:11

Similar story here, I'm just leaving a bit sooner, to protect my future self. Still taken 20 years to decide though.

FafferTime Wed 31-Dec-14 23:28:25

In other words, not over-reacting.

heyday Wed 31-Dec-14 23:36:34

It's sad that OH is so unsupportive. The relationship sounds pretty much over really but it may be convenient to stay in the marriage for financial reasons.
Are you in a position now to support yourself financially? If you are not then it might be worth just keeping this basic, amicable relationship going for the sake of keeping a roof over your head until you can find work or build up some resources to be able to leave
If you are ok financially then perhaps now is the time to start seriously thinking about what you want for the future.
This is a cross roads in your life and you need to work out which direction you want the next leg of your journey to take.

Somethingtodo Thu 01-Jan-15 00:09:47

He is not just being unsupportive - he has been repeatedly, and is now again being proactively nasty and the most difficult times in your life....when you had small children, when you were nursing your Dad and now your Mum.

Why would he not be with you tonight to help you and your Mum? What possible priority does he have above this?

He does not deserve you to be a neutral housemate - you deserve more than this. My STBXH was similar in similar circumstances. the this year when I had major health illnesses (now resolved) he was neglectful and uncaring.

I really dont want to be that person in hospital or worse ill and home with only him on hand to purposely neglect me.

Prioritise your Mum, the get yourself sorted, then pack your bags.

strawberrysalsa Thu 01-Jan-15 15:02:32

having a partner who is unsupportive sucks at any time but even more so when there are problems you are having to cope with. My partner is not noted for his support and I do sympathise! It would be nice just to have someone to moan to if nothing else. Though tbh mine is less selfish than yours and does the visiting sick relatives quiet happily.
I would leave if I could afford to but its not feasible and as he's not actively nasty I just have to live with the situation.
Hope you find an answer that works for you flowers

bodumfan Thu 01-Jan-15 15:18:00

stay with your Mum.

- resign from your job, find one local to your Mum, serve divorce papers to your H. Create a few ripples but hey who cares. I bet there'll be a ton of people who'll take their hats off in admiration. Put yourself first, do what YOU want, for once.

Here's your chance to change your life....use the energy you would usually use on placating the selfish joyless fucker back home, use it to create a life you want.

Easier said than done? or maybe easier done than you think smile

Bogeyface Thu 01-Jan-15 15:39:01

This seems less about him unsupportive but being deliberately nasty at times when the focus isnt on him.

He hated you focussing on the kids, hated you focussing on your dad and now hates your focussing on your family.

What about if you become ill, and the focus is on you not him? Do you think he will be supportive then?

Selfish and self obsessed in short. So no, not over reacting, if anything under reacting over the last 20 years. Could you look at getting a job near your mums and living with her? It could work out well for both of you.

Jackw Thu 01-Jan-15 17:19:44

Thank you for your replies. They've given me lots of things to think about. Mum is back home now and seems well. I'm going to stay here tonight and then probably go home tomorrow. I felt bleak last night but better today.

Finding a job up here would be difficult, plus I love my job and have good colleagues/friends there. Financially, we're comfortable, though obviously would be less so if we split. I could probably finance a rental out of savings for 6-9 months but then would need a divorce settlement to buy my own place. I don't think I could get a divorce that quickly could I? I think I would have to go for 2 year's separation rather than unreasonable behaviour.

The children wouldn't be thrilled but they'd survive. Divorce is not uncommon in my family! I sort of prided myself on being the one who stayed married.

Vicks72 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:40:54

I think you have every right to go for unreasonable behaviour! His behaviour has been astonishingly unreasonable!

ImperialBlether Thu 01-Jan-15 18:45:51

He's already spoiled your last months with your dad. Do you want to look back after your mum has passed away (hopefully that will be a long time off) and think that he spoiled that time, too?

The thing is that now he is so spectacularly in the wrong, you could quite easily end it. Your children might not be happy but they would understand. Surely he's not Mr Nice Guy with them, anyway?

Your children are adult, so I assume they aren't living at home. Presumably you could stay at your mum's for as long as you needed?

Life really is too short to spend your time with men like this when you don't have to.

Somethingtodo Thu 01-Jan-15 19:09:08

Dont know the ins and outs of divorce - but as I am heading that way was googling and you can do it in 8 weeks - how complicated is your financial situation? Do you just need to split the house 50/50 and walk away? If so he cannot prevent a sale and you could be in a cosy fresh new home by Easter!

Life is toooooo short.

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