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My parents don't want to ever see me again...

(44 Posts)
wonderwoman21 Wed 31-Dec-14 15:18:34

I'm a survivor of a dysfunctional family.
I grew up in a cold environment where affection was in short supply and my mother ruled the roost with strange routines and OCD. I believe she has aspergers syndrome and tourettes.
She told me off so much when I was ill that it has impacted on me badly; I suffer from health anxiety, emetophobia and anxiety and agoraphobia.
My father never stood up to her.
I have tried to get passed all this...by making a life for myself. I have a degree in psychology and one in law and I am a published writer.
Yet the emptiness and anxiety does persist.
I thought compassion and forgiveness was the answer. My parents have never admitted what they did and they never ever will so I thought that as I still love them, I would still try to have a relationship with them. I am adopted. How they got to adopt is beyond me.
But I have a brother (also adopted) and he knows the truth because he said how badly he was treated many years ago. However, he has turned into a nasty person, who has no feeling for others, like an obnoxious, overgrown teenager. When I last saw him, I tried to appeal to him, to say that we shared what we went through, but despite me telling him I love him, he walked out, said I shouldn't see our parents because of my issues with my childhood. Issues he has chosen to now overlook, even though he still said his childhood was worse than mine!
I was meant to meet up with my parents, but they refused to see me because my brother had stirred up trouble.
I can't believe they would listen to him...they were always running him down because of how obnoxious and hateful he could be. He has a temper and hit a woman. They have chosen to believe him over me.
And of course, he wants their inheritance I do believe.
I have sent them cards with special words, I have tried so hard but now they have sent me a letter saying that my brother finally revealed why he was so upset over our last meeting...he was not upset! And they want nothing more to do with me. They will die, they said, without ever seeing me. That I owe them thousands (which I do not) and harped on about the past when I was meant to have misbehaved (yet I was just a normal child in a screwed up family). I have not borrowed thousands from them and nothing they mentioned was unusual considering the awful circumstances.
It should be them asking for my forgiveness.
But the thing is, this breaks my heart...
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

VitalStollenFix Wed 31-Dec-14 15:21:54

My advice would be to find some form of counselling that works for you in order that you can see how truly horrible they are, how they have abused you your whole life and continue to do so and how to come to realise the massive favour they have done you by exiting your life.

I am not a psychologist or anything and don't pretend to be but I think that a counsellor with good training and experience of adoption issues would be essential.

I do wish you good luck. You deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to have to suffer people in your life who want to bring you nothing but pain.

KellyElly Wed 31-Dec-14 15:22:29

The way you have been treated is truly awful. No loving parent would walk away from their child on the basis of hearsay from another sibling.
As hard as it is to accept, you will be better off without people like this in your life. Stop trying to communicate as they are never going to tell you what you need to hear. Do you have a DP or friends to support you through this?

wonderwoman21 Wed 31-Dec-14 15:25:31

Thank you VitalStollenFix and KellyElly, I think I knew this to be the case, that I am best off without them. I know it is my mother again, calling all the shots. I don't have many friends through isolation due to the agoraphobia and anxiety but I do have a lovely boyfriend who would walk up and down Everest several times if he thought it would help! So he is very supportive. And I will find a counsellor too. Thank you so much.

ihatethecold Wed 31-Dec-14 15:28:28

wonderwoman
You're not alone. I was adopted by unsuitable people that I have been estranged from for 9 years now.
My life got better when I went NC.
It's hard and sad but my life is much less stressful.
I had to do for the sake of my mental health.
They are still a pair of narc alcoholics but it's not my problem anymore.
I'm living my own life with my lovely family.
flowers

WildflowerMarmalade Wed 31-Dec-14 16:28:49

You poor thing. flowers What an awful thing to have to go through.

The sad fact is that these people are not going to suddenly turn into the loving, supportive family you deserve. It doesn't matter what kind, beautiful words you offer them. It doesn't matter what loving ways you find to express to them how you feel. Based on what you say about them, they are not capable of meeting you on that sunny field.

It's sad but that's the way it is and your task now is to accept that and focus on you. Take all the energy you have poured into trying to make your family work as you want it to and commit your strength to yourself, your life and relationships which are healthy and healing.

VitalStollenFix is spot on in advising you to find a good therapist, one who understands adoption issues. See if you can get a recommendation and then invest in yourself until one day you look up and realise that you have travelled so far from these people that they are just a vague feature on the skyline in your rearview mirror.

Lots of luck.

wonderwoman21 Wed 31-Dec-14 16:47:45

Thank you WildflowerMarmalade (lovely name!). Your beautiful words have given me much comfort and mean so much. Bless you.

iammargesimpson Wed 31-Dec-14 17:26:40

Just to add to the sage advice already given here, a good counsellor will really help you through this. I am nc with my father, it's been very difficult and upsetting but I have finally realised that there is no love left for him, he has worn it all away. I am slowly making peace with myself and I know that when he dies I have done all I can to make our relationship work. You are allowed to be sad about this though so allow yourself to grieve.
The problem lies with your parents, not with you and you must hold onto that. I wish you the very best of luck, you are much stronger than you think x

cafesociety Wed 31-Dec-14 17:36:54

Coming from a dysfunctional background I can also verify the fact that people like this do not respond to kindness, reason or attempts to improve the relationship. You were cast in your role way back and they do nothing wrong in their eyes.

I would also suggest you put your energy into yourself, and invest in your future leaving them behind. You have a loving partner and support, something which is invaluable and the way to go. I hope you find some peace and come to terms with the situation via counselling. Not all families are happy, not every mother loves their child/ren, some things cannot be changed and sometimes to save our mental health we have to walk away.

If they choose to side with your brother that is their misguided choice.

I say if someone doesn't like me they should leave me alone....and I have no time or energy to spend on those who do not wish to spend theirs on me. I won't chase, I won't explain, I won't try and reason and try to change anything, or even show I care...I've learnt the hard way. Now I have much less stress and freedom from their toxicity.

WildflowerMarmalade Wed 31-Dec-14 17:38:05

Willing you on WonderWoman - you've chosen a good name for yourself there and I'm sure that you will continue to live up to it.

Just to clarify - for the sake of any passersby to the thread: I suggested a therapist skilled in adoption issues because adoption brings a whole aspect of its own to a life story. The adoption itself is not the cause of the problem here, the messed up parents are the cause of the problem. The adoption factor just adds another tint to the picture.

Happy New Year, WonderWoman . You have picked the perfect time to move onward and upward. Here's to a brilliant 2015 for you.

flyingbunnies Wed 31-Dec-14 18:52:41

Hello,

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I'm not adopted - but went NC with my parents for five years, including over my first marriage and the birth of my second baby. It was my decision; I needed to heal from the physical and emotional abuse in childhood, and the ongoing abuse I got for being an unmarried, teenage mother (gasp!) to my first child who is now 18.

It was really, really saf, even though I decided on it. I was sick of being made to feel bad and constantly being criticised. I did love them, but I never felt loved by my mother and though my relationship with my father was a bit better, I was still criticised and berated continually.

This situation has obviously been bad for your mental health, and has taken it's toll in two ways: you firstly feel unloved by your adoptive parents, and that is also underscored by possibly wondering about the circumstances of your adoption, like many adopted folks naturally do.

Do find a good counsellor, and know that it is not you. Some people cannot cope with acknowledging the mistakes they have made, and find it easier to blame others. This is a sad situation, but you need to move on and live your life - which is yours to live and be happy with, no matter how it came about.

wonderwoman21 Wed 31-Dec-14 20:39:53

Thank you so much to you all for your kind thoughts today. And it is hard today, being New Year's Eve. But thank you so much for taking the time for me. It means so very much. I have read all your words and taken them on board, made me re-evaluate the future. Your compassion is so lovely. I am so glad I came here, the support is amazing and I hope that in 2015 I can give to those who need it...loving and giving to the people who actually deserve and need it most :-)

peasandlove Wed 31-Dec-14 22:46:44

I'd be tempted to write them back and say that's fine, they better hope they don't get ill and need caring for in their old age now they've made their decision.
You would probably be better off without them.

wonderwoman21 Thu 01-Jan-15 08:41:55

Thank you peasandlove, and I have already thought of that too. My brother has a chip on his shoulder, perhaps as a result of our childhood. When I saw him he told me he didn't care about family and he has no compassion or love for anyone. If one of my parents becomes ills or worse still dies (my father is in his early eighties now) I can't see my brother being there for them or even being capable of doing anything for them. They have backed the wrong horse but knowing them, they have their affairs in order if this kind of thing happens. My childhood was all about routines. Though ill health and death doesn't lend itself well to OCD!
It is so hard not to feel angry. I know I have to move on and make something more of my life, give love and compassion to those who actually need and deserve it, but I feel such sadness, grief and anger. In time, this will get better I know, perhaps more so if I put my energy into projects that are worthwhile. And I will find a counsellor, expert in adoption matters, to help with this.
Just right now it is so very difficult.
Thank you so much for your support and the hope you have all offered for the future. It means so much.

Isetan Thu 01-Jan-15 09:00:46

Just because you and your brother endured a similar upbringing, doesn't mean that you would feel or respond the same way, too many variables for that.

It seems like you may need support in letting go of the hope that your family can be anything other than it is and perhaps focus your energies on resolving personal issues that you can influence.

Homebird8 Thu 01-Jan-15 09:12:05

So sorry to hear your pain wonderwoman. Have you heard of OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder)? This is not OCD but quite often the two go together and other things in your post have echoes in my own story. DM was never diagnosed (and never will be as she died a few years ago) but things like being yelled at for being ill as it doesn't fit the perfect picture might be indicators.

Have a look at this about OCPD

HexBramble Thu 01-Jan-15 10:14:07

.

wonderwoman21 Thu 01-Jan-15 10:19:17

Thank you Homebird8, I think my mother probably does have that. Though of course, she would never admit to it in a million years!

MinceSpy Thu 01-Jan-15 10:31:17

Wonderwoman you've had some great advice here. Get yourself into some counselling to help you make sense of your past and present. Your brother's behaviour is his way of coping. Find your own future free of this drama, no tainted inheritance is worth the pain and stress you are dealing with.

wonderwoman21 Thu 01-Jan-15 13:09:17

I totally agree with you MinceSpy (almost put MincePie! Its the time of year) and the advice here has been fanastic :-)

Quitethewoodsman Thu 01-Jan-15 13:19:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Staywithme Thu 01-Jan-15 13:40:27

I'm sorry you're going through this Wonderwoman21. I'm NC with my family. I'm one of six children and was always treated as if I was the black sheep. It was years before I realised that I was a threat because I was the 'good' one.

Although this is awful for you and you're very distressed at the moment, it might turn out better for you as it gives you an opportunity to take control of your life. I agree with the posters who say write back to them. Tell them you're thankful they have done this as you've been struggling to find the words to explain that you feel that your relationship with them is of no benefit to your welbeing. Since they feel the the same then it is time for all of you to move on and you will not be responding to any requests for contact. Don't get into a slagging match with them as you will end up more distressed and don't respond to any further contact from them.

Honestly sweetheart, they sound like they are of no benefit to you and you have a lovely boyfriend who loves you, so grasp your new, poison free, life with both hands and look to a happier future. Good luck.

wonderwoman21 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:52:32

Thank you Quitethewoodsman, your words mean a lot. That is a very good idea about what to write back to them and as you say, then I will feel that I have done the decent thing and as Staywithme rightly says, getting into a slagging match is not a good idea. There has been enough heartache. All I want to do is look forward to 2015. A further problem now is my daughter. She wants to write to them. She is 18 and they haven't ever shown much interest in her. They thought it was wrong when I was pregnant with her and saw me when I was heavily pregnant and never referred to my pregnancy once! Totally pretended I wasn't pregnant. Completely strange. But because of all the emotional trauma of my childhood and my fears and anxiety, my daughter went to live with her Dad which broke my heart. We have an excellent bond despite all that has happened. My daughter doesn't even like them, especially not my mother but without being selfish, I don't want her to have contact with them because it means I won't be able to move on...they may respond and then it could go from there. I would just prefer to cut off after this. I know it sounds like I am being selfish but I would prefer my daughter to be loyal to me after all they have done. I just hope I can help her to understand that. Her father is hoping (I know) that they will leave their inheritance to her (he has already borrowed loads from my daughter) and so I find this to be a further problem.
Thank you to everyone again. I am so glad that I have had your support.

Homebird8 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:23:47

You're right wonderwoman that you won't get any realisation from your M of her issues but it has helped me to understand how my DM (still D despite everything but probably because she is dead) functioned. I had distanced emotionally through the years to protect myself from DM although I did still see her regularly.

People on MN talk a lot about narcissism but in my case it just didn't fit the behaviours and OCPD did, much better. NPD fits another relative much better.

My advice is that you write, or don't write (whichever you choose), to provide yourself with comfort. If you do choose to write, then make sure that it is not an invitation to correspond further, you do not need that heart break. They are choosing NC and it is best for you that you respect that.

EssexMummy123 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:29:08

Hi wonderwoman, have you checked out the stately homes thread on this board? i think you would get ongoing support on there - it's where those of us who have problems with one or more narcisstic people in or formally in our lives.

Secondly check out the 'Thrive' program on Amazon or Facebook, there are hundreds of testimonials from people using it to overcome anxiety, emotophobia, depression amongst other things.

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