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Husband with low libido(10 Posts)
Hello ( waves nervously) never posted in relationships before, so be nice, this is a hard topic to talk about but I could really do with some advice.
DH and I have been married for a year and a half, together for 6 years and we have a DS age 2.
DH has always had a lower libido than me, but in our first few years together we lived in different cities and only saw each other every few weeks, so I suppose I didn't realise his libido was quite low.
When we moved in together, it did beome a problem and led to some teary conversations from me about how we weren't having enough sex, and DH promising to try harder- which he would for a few weeks, and then it would just fade away again.
dH's libido is now at an all time low since we had our DS a few years ago, I know he found the first year when DS was a baby incredibly hard and he got depressed, DS was a difficult baby- very colicky, didn't sleep through until 15 months.
DH is a wonderful father, he helps out with both housework and looking after DS and he is great in every way, kind, caring...he just isn't interested in sex and it has become a real problem for me. I feel quite low about it, I feel rejected, like I am not good enough. I have spoken to DH a few times about the issue recently, and again he has promised to try harder and make more time for sex, but nothing has changed.
I'm not saying I want sex every day, just every week or every other week would be great, I just want to feel like he is interested in me in that way. I don't know what to do...
Sorry for the mammoth post and thanks for reading.
Sounds awful, poor you. Do you think he still fancies you or do you think it is more of a physical issue? would he agree to getting checked out by the doctor?
As I'm sure youknow, they say, it doesn't matter what your libido is until it is incompatible with your partners and then it really is difficult. Could this be a deal breaker for you?
Sex aside, are you physically close? Do you hold hands, kiss publicly, snuggle on the sofa watching a movie.... that kind of thing? Do you sleep in the same bed... which might seem like an odd question but the current fashion for co-sleeping with babies can often lead couples to sleep apart and have a detrimental effect on their closeness.
The main problem with mismatched libido is that no one is right and no one is wrong. He's as entitled to say no thanks as you are to say yes please. If it ends up him feeling under pressure and you feeling resentful with neither of you able to get close because of the elephant in the room, then you have a serious incompatibility that is not going to resolve itself without help. If you can still find other ways to express physical affection you might stand a chance.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies...
cogit yes we sometimes snuggle on the sofa, cuddle up at bedtime, that sort of thing...DH and I are quite seperate in the evening, DH often goes out running and does DIY, I read and do crafts so we don't spend enough time together, don't know if that would make a difference or not though. DH and I do sleep in the same bed, no co-sleeping here!
walkjumpclimb it could possibly be a deal breaker if things don't improve! I think over the years it would lead to a lot of resentment and bitterness maybe on my part and DH too...I don't know. He is a good DH, and a good father to DS too, so I feel like I would be terrible to break up because of this issue..it's hard.
There isn't a great deal you can do in my opinion. People are what they are and I think trying to change someone else's sex drive is very difficult especially when he has never really been up for it much. A baby was always going to make it worse if it wasn't good at the start.
What made you continue with the relationship and get married and have a child when you knew he was like this? I assume the moving in came before the above 2 events?
I think we always think things will get better but if it wasn't there in the start I doubt it will.
Some serious chat needed.
I think you're stuck in a very difficult situation. You, quite rightly feel frustrated, however if he's feeling pressured to have sex to make you feel better, that's not going to help his libido. Pity sex is never the answer. Would he agree to sex therapy, to see if you can find a way forward?
Obviously with a 2 year old, normal behaviour from both M & F is clouded by the stresses of the past few years. Men can get stressed by the weight of responsibility after children. BUT you mentioned this was a problem before children....
I feel he is not taking you seriously, or wishfully underestimating the problem. Having had a number of teary conversations, perhaps you didn't SPELL out your exact views on frequency (I know it a bit mechanical, any desire comes and goes, but it gives a guide). I might take the time to write down exactly why you're unhappy, and paint a picture of the sort of intimate relationship you would like, .. then give it to him to keep and re-read...
If you can be absolutely certain he understands that your current situation is a constant source of unhappiness, then you can at least rule out miscommunication.
Another thought.... why not help him out with the DIY on a few nights rather than reading and doing crafts. Many DIY tasks benefit from a second pair of hands once the 'head-scratching' part of the job has passed. Always being 'quite separate' in the evenings is a red flag to me...I would be doing something about that....
Personally for me....if he runs, he has a libido
His low labido appears to be something that you've both ignored for far too long. In the words of Salt and Pepper, you need to talk about sex.
His repeated empty promises are having a corrosive effect and better to talk and make compromises now, than let the resentment corrode your marriage to the point of no return.
Sex is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy. If you are tactile, close and there is plenty of affection then a) everyone feels loved and b) sex is more likely. It may or may not be enough for both of you but it could be worth a shot. How to deal with it therefore is NOT to refer specifically to frequency or quality of sex.... there is no way to say that without it ramping up the pressure... but to talk about being closer as a couple, recreating old times, spending more leisure time together, being more spontaneous etc.
I think you need to be more proactive about this! Rather than just talking to him and then him making vague promises to "make more of an effort".
I suggest spending more time doing things together, and scheduling in "intimate" time eg once a week. You could remove the pressure by saying you don't have to have sex during this time - you could just give each other a massage for example. Then the sex might happen naturally.
If those two things don't work I recommend sex therapy. DH and I went to Relate and it really helped us.
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