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Issues with my Mother

(7 Posts)
ScrabbleandLudo Wed 31-Dec-14 13:16:48

Won't give long history, but have a poor relationship with my mother. She lives alone as my father died 20 years ago. I live about 45 mins drive from her and my sister lives 3 hours away. My sister invited her for Christmas, but she didn't want to go because my sister is vegetarian and she doesn't like my sisters dogs. She then moaned a great deal - christmas was boring and my children were too old for Christmas (they are in their late teens). My sisters 3 children are much younger, so i said that Christmas is about the little ones and said that she should go. She then said she didn't want to drive. My sister looked up trains and we coordinated to drop off and pick up. Mum then refused to go on the train as she didn't want to carry her bags. So it ended up my sister picked her up by car and DH and I went to collect her. At one point mum said that it would be good if she got the flu then she wouldn't have to go anywhere for Christmas. Or she wished for snow for the same reason. At my sisters ( when we'd driven down in crap traffic) at the lunch table I got a load of abuse from mum saying I had no empathy. I have such a feeling of doom. My mother does many things to cut herself off from the world - eg she won't go abroad, she refuses to go to large cities, she won't drive in the dark, she won't drive on motorways. I just feel that I'm going to get to the point where I'm running round after this woman who I find it very difficult to care for due to how I was treated as a child. As time goes on, I find it harder to care for her because the things she says and the choices she makes are so different to what I stand for.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Dec-14 13:30:05

I would leave her to it, you do not have to run yourself ragged or into the ground. She is a toxic influence and I would have minimal or even no contact with her. Enabling her as you both did really did you no favours at all. You both sound very deep in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to your mother.

I would also suggest you post on he stately homes thread on these pages as this could help you as well.

peachgirl Wed 31-Dec-14 13:51:52

I know you were probably acting out of a sense of duty or guilt, and as many people - including me - would react in your situation, but I also agree with Attila that you're enabling her behaviour and it would be best to cut contact down to a minimum.

Next time call her bluff. "You don't want to go anywhere for Christmas? That's fine, we'll see you sometime in the new year, bye!" Easier said than done, but hopefully it'll have some effect.

ScrabbleandLudo Wed 31-Dec-14 14:23:42

Yes of course we act out of obligation - FOG is a good description! I promised my father on his deathbed - I think he was concerned that we would not see her. She says I don't listen to her. I do listen. But what I don't do is respond with what I really think because I don't want to cause upset.

MinceSpy Wed 31-Dec-14 14:41:43

Scrabble your mother is an adult and as such makes her own choices. You and your sister almost forced your mother to go to your sister's for Christmas. You both need to stop being so over involved, its great to invite her and offer to transport her but if she says no thank you then respect her decision.

holeinmyheart Wed 31-Dec-14 15:23:16

I am sorry, but I think you stressed yourself out and forced your DM into doing something she didn't want to do and then were unhappy when she wasn't grateful.
You don't even like your DM, so really you need to stop trying so hard and listen to your inner voice. As in.. Do I really care where my DM is at Christmas ? If the answer is ' NO', then leave her to be miserable in peace.
You are not responsible for her happiness. Look how you tried this Christmas and it made no difference to her, did it? But it stressed you out big time.
You are a nice person scrabble, she doesn't deserve your efforts. Xxx

drudgetrudy Wed 31-Dec-14 18:01:37

If she doesn't want to
a)drive in the dark
b) drive on motorways
c) catch trains-leave her to take the consequences.
I say this as someone who has lost a lot of confidence driving as I get older-I do NOT expect other people to ferry me around.
Perhaps she actually does dislike visiting busy places and prefers to be at home (as minceSpy says you may be imposing your own ideas of what she should do).
I would continue to be pleasant with her-but allow her to make her own choices and live with the consequences.
If she then moans just say things like "well you made it very clear that you didn't fancy travelling".
How old is she? Is she fairly introverted? She may actually like being in her own home watching TV and reading.

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