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Boyfriend's comment - red flag or overthinking

(35 Posts)
AgainstTheWind Wed 31-Dec-14 11:55:20

Chatting to my boyfriend last night and he referred to a woman he knew in his teens as 'a gorgeous piece'.

I think it was just a turn of phrase more than anything and it's not bothering me as such but I don't think I would be that impressed if he referred to me as a 'piece'.

Not sure if I spend too much time on here and it might be a red flag or if I'm overthinking it.

Lweji Wed 31-Dec-14 11:57:41

Are there any other red/yellow flags?

I wouldn't appreciate the comment either, but sometimes we do refer to men somewhat as objects too. It doesn't mean we think of men in general like that.

I'd worry more about why he said that about another woman to you.

TheyThinkImCool Wed 31-Dec-14 12:00:05

I'm not to keen on him referring to her as a "piece" but I think you are over thinking!

TheyThinkImCool Wed 31-Dec-14 12:01:00

too*

Brodicea Wed 31-Dec-14 12:08:07

Hmm, he might just be using the same terminology he did when he was a teen - but if you're on alert, think about why xx

Pastmyduedate0208 Wed 31-Dec-14 12:09:48

I wouldn't take that on it's own as a red flag, it's a bit disrespectful to you, but I'd be worried if he often refers to women in that way

opalstones Wed 31-Dec-14 12:11:39

Where is he from? Possibility of being a regional thing? DH and I are from different ends of the country, and I've heard him describe good/tasty/attractive things before as 'piecey'.

borisgudanov Wed 31-Dec-14 12:42:13

Maybe a one-off, but that remark does translate into English as "I am a stupid insensitive sexist twat". Probably deserves a yellow card.

MiniTheMinx Wed 31-Dec-14 12:46:23

A piece of what? I would have said something. Hanging on to it now and dissecting it won't help a bit.

AgainstTheWind Wed 31-Dec-14 12:47:35

Not really any other red or yellow flags. It was relevant to our conversation for him to talk about her. She sadly died in her teens and I think he was just describing what she was like. The 'gorgeous' comment didn't bother me in the slightest.

I thought I was overthinking but wasn't certain.

Not on alert, I was just taken aback a bit by him referring to a woman as a 'piece'. He is a man who clearly likes the female body but it just seemed to objectify her. I don't mean he ogles other women.

AgainstTheWind Wed 31-Dec-14 13:12:30

He's not used that phrase before. 'She was a looker' has been the only other time he has been descriptive in that way about another woman. That was about one of my dad's old girlfriends who he knew and I did ask what she looked like so that was absolutely fine.

We both still live in the same place we were born so it's not a regional thing.

It did cross my mind that it was a bit sexist but I haven't had reason to think that before.

It was only thinking about it afterwards that it sat a bit wrong with me. Also it was a sad story and it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to have said something when he was telling me. 'Gorgeous piece' was all he said descriptive wise. Short for piece of skirt possibly?

opalstones Wed 31-Dec-14 13:13:39

I'd have thought it was short for 'piece of ass'.

dirtybadger Wed 31-Dec-14 13:16:42

Overthinking probably. Depends a bit on his usual language. I often describe people in what are probably objectifying terms but that's because of the way in which I and most people I know speak. And it's usually with some humour.

That said if she's now dead I'm not sure how respectful it is to call her a gorgeous piece, but as someone else said maybe it's regional. Never really heard "piece" before but I'm in the west country.

AgainstTheWind Wed 31-Dec-14 13:42:46

Not heard 'piece of ass'.

He's quite blunt but so am I. He has a good sense of humour and I did actually smile when he said it as I thought the 'gorgeous' remark was typically him. I didn't know she had died at that point. It would have been not far off 40 years ago that she died so I don't think it was meant disrespectively to her.

Lweji Wed 31-Dec-14 13:47:08

So, he's late 50s/early 60s?
And he knew she had died?
How long have you known him for?

AgainstTheWind Wed 31-Dec-14 13:58:39

He's 59. He knew her when he was 18/19. She was his mates girlfriend. She died at around that age, he would have known at that time that she died. I have known him 6 years been seeing him for a year.

Vivacia Wed 31-Dec-14 14:07:59

I think I'd have challenged him on the phrase. Skirt? Arse? It's not going to be, "piece of person", is it? I think I would have reacted at the time, probably in shock, and challenged him on this.

Are you going to raise it with him now?

I'm not saying I would dump him over this, but I would not be impressed by it.

hotblacktea Wed 31-Dec-14 14:26:25

massive red flag for me, sexist and demeaning to women

OhBuggeringBollocks Wed 31-Dec-14 14:30:20

I think it is an old fashioned phrase and that's why he used it. And while I also think it is short for piece of skirt, again I think it more of a generational expression rather than he sees women as only being valued on their looks.

I really wouldn't read anything into it.

Vivacia Wed 31-Dec-14 14:45:02

I really wouldn't read anything into it.

I would, if only because he's backwards in his thinking and continues to use expressions that value women only for their attractiveness to men. Yes, even dead women.

What "old-fashioned" views on gay or black people do you also not read anything in to OhBB?

Lweji Wed 31-Dec-14 14:51:02

As you have known him for a fairly long time, and if there aren't any other issues to worry you, I might comment on the expression if he uses it again, but not worry too much about it.

I would add it to the list if other issues do crop up, though.

OhBuggeringBollocks Wed 31-Dec-14 14:51:21

Err hang on a minute, Vivacia as a fully paid up member of the feminist board I don't appreciate that.

I also don't think you have any right to comment on my attitudes towards sexuality or colour as you have no idea what my personal circumstances are.

Really, really unnecessary.

Vivacia Wed 31-Dec-14 14:53:29

I didn't comment, I asked a question. I can accept it if you choose not to answer.

OhBuggeringBollocks Wed 31-Dec-14 14:56:36

Oh can you? You can accept that? How kind.

OP I don't think it is a game changer on it's own.

Lweji Wed 31-Dec-14 14:59:54

fully paid member of the feminist board? smile
That passes as feminist qualifications now?

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