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Fear of turning into mother

(10 Posts)
Existentialcrisis Wed 31-Dec-14 06:43:30

I have a dd 8months old. Every day I constantly think about what a shit mum I am and am going to be. I am convinced that I am going to damage my dd and that she will end up hating me. And that is my fault because I don't like my mother which I feel guilty about. I am worried that I am going to let my dd do anything/ be a permissive parent as I am so worried about her not liking me. either that or I will be an angry shouty bitter emotionally inconsistent and violent just like my mum was.
I feel like I can't control this part of my self and it is making me so depressed that I think it probably would have been better if I not had a child.
Has anyone else felt like this?

GinGinGin Wed 31-Dec-14 07:35:50

I feel exactly the same! Or rather it's not quite as bad now. I went NC with my toxic mother about 3 years ago and I don't intend her to have any contact with my dc.

Have you thought about counselling? I had it at the beginning of the year and it's really helped. If you can, look for a counselling charity in your area - you'll have to pay a small contribution, but you'll be seen a lot quicker than going on the nhs.

Existentialcrisis Wed 31-Dec-14 07:54:42

Thank you so much for replying Gin,
I'm starting counselling next week. I have had therapy in the past but I never seem to get over it.
My mother is different now that I'm in my 30s we have never spoken about anything that happened and it's just a pretend relationship we all play happy families and it's very tiring as I awlays feel so bitter. She is so excited about having a grandchild at last.
She has mental health problems as do I so I feel that the cycle will just continue sad

Joysmum Wed 31-Dec-14 08:01:01

I remember my mum dissolving in tears once for fear she was turning into her mother.

Her mother put her through hell and she went NC to protect me and try to break the cycle. Mum was so unsure of herself at times but she did break the cycle.

I've had depression myself in the past and I know this is easier said than done but you can choose to be different.

You can use your dark past to ensure you've learnt lessons for the present and future. You can accept that you are hyper aware but take your unhappiness as training you to be a better mother for your daughter and know the importance of teaching her self worth.

My mum did that for me and tbh I do think she was a better mum from her experiences, although I rather she hadn't had such a hard life.

Existentialcrisis Wed 31-Dec-14 08:17:00

Thank you joysmum it's good to hear a positive story from the other side. I do find it hard to chose to be different when I am so tired. Dd does not sleep well and when I'm exhausted all my demons seem to come to the surface and I don't cope as well.

I also worry that because my mother had mental health issues (she didn't get treatment) that I am being overly sensitive and harsh on her and then feel guilty for disliking her. I feel resentful of her having a relationship with my dd and I'm sick of feeling so bitter all the time.

florentina1 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:46:24

I have never spoken of this to anyone. My second child was a girl, and I remember thinking, right from birth that when she grew up she would not like me. I dislike my mother intensely and she, at 95 is still tormenting me.

However, I loved my kids so much, and one thing mother taught me was how NOT to be a mother..

I am so lucky that I have had a lovely relationship with all my children who are in their 40s. They all bring so much to my life, but my daughter is the one who really gets me.

If MN was around when I was young it would. Have given me the courage and understanding not to let her poison my life. Love your daughter, do your best for her and I have no doubt she will love you in return.

Existentialcrisis Wed 31-Dec-14 09:45:33

Thank you for sharing florentina you sound like a lovely mum.
When did the feeling that your dd wouldn't like you go? Did you worry that when you told her off that you were like your mum?
I am worrying about the future that I will not be good at giving my dd boundaries as I have no idea what good ones are.

florentina1 Wed 31-Dec-14 10:18:33

Thank you Existentialcrisis, you have made me feel good. Firstly though, I have not been a good mother every day. I have made mistakes and looking back I may have done some things differently.

Some background, I never doubted myself on the practical side of parenting,but very much on the emotional side. Setting boundaries, without resorting to the nastiness of my mother was always on my mind. I think I was fortunate, in that my children were quite easy going. I did not equip them to deal with the nastiness of life, and possibly over protected them a bit. I so wanted them to have a happy life.

When they got to teenagers, the boys were fine but my daughter really withdrew and I thought this it. However, at 19 she told me she was pregnant. It was then that the real strength of our family unit came through. She still refers to that time and how much our support meant to her. There is a huge backstory to this, so not just ordinary situation.

My children are like me, they are people pleasers and one of them had a very difficult time in a relationship. Now however they all married to truly lovely people.

I am an avid reader of 'the stately homes' threads, but will never be free of my mother. Having your childhood stolen from you, is so hard to live with. I think going to therapy will be so good for you and I wish you a happy life. It won't come easy, it may not come soon, but like me I am sure you will be rewarded.

Bonsoir Wed 31-Dec-14 10:23:07

You might also turn into your father. We saw some friends two days ago - a couple where the woman has most definitely turned into her father and is projecting upon her own husband to become the "complementary" adult i.e. her mother.

It's all going very pear-shaped!

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:44:49

You have many things in your favour: you are aware that you do not want to repeat some of the mistakes your mother made, and you are going to counseling to come to terms with your own emotional baggage.

This will greatly help you to raise your DC in a way that you feel is right and good for them, and help you avoid dumping your own damage onto them.

You will make mistakes, you know: all parents do. It's ok. As long as you remain the kind of parent who wants the best for her children, and is willing to correct and own up to any mistakes made, you will do fine. But mostly, have faith in your own core judgement.

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