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how do people move on

(13 Posts)
WhyOhWhyNow Wed 31-Dec-14 00:44:18

NC bcause i know just how futile this seems

i have spent today fb stalking the OW and wondering what she had that i didnt or what she could do / give that i couldn't.

i had an acrimonious split with my exP and have done my best to move on. he led me on for a while and i thought if i just clung on hard enough he would change and love me.

the main thing i'm asking is, i lost a lot of dignity during our break up (think begging him to come back and when he wouldn't i basically told him he was an awful shit).

I love all the advice about maintaining dignity -- even tho i never kept mine.

But over the Christmas period i just can't seem to let go of things and keep re-thinking and replaying it all over again.

Can someone pass me a grip and tell me how they managed to let it all go in the end.

Undecided29 Wed 31-Dec-14 00:56:56

Hi there

Not sure how old you are but when I was 22 my first love dumped me and I spent SIX MONTHS sending begging texts/phone calls/emails. He legitimately could have had me done for harassment, though my messages were always begging and pathetic rather than aggressive so perhaps he didn't feel threatened just inconvenienced. He met someone else a few months later (found out recently they married 7 years later). Even though she wasn't an "other woman" as he wasn't cheating on me I was still wondering why she was better etc. I truly loved him and I was devasted.

However what I learned from that experience is that the pain from being dumped is FAR more about wounded pride than it is about actually missing the person. You do miss them but for me that went after a year but the wounded pride lasted...years. You know the phrase hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?
The fact I acted so undignified did not help my pride to heal and it embarrasses me to this day. But just remember it was irrational, a mistake and don't do it again for your Sanity's sake!

elsabelle Wed 31-Dec-14 00:58:24

No advice sadly, but i could have written this post myself. Have spent all day crying and obsessing about the OW too blush

I think the Xmas period is much worse cos we're not very busy and have too much time on our hands. My brain tends to go into desperate obsessive mode and staying no contact becomes extra challenging!

I also sobbed and begged desperately and now wish i hadn't. The only way i feel i can reclaim any dignity is by staying no contact (not that he ever contacts me anyway to be fair!) and by pretending that i'm doing well and moving on (even though im not really).

Hang in there Why, this too shall pass x

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 31-Dec-14 01:03:51

I wish you hadn't NC as it's not futile at all.

My STBXH left in Sep-13 and is still with his OW. I'm not sure you know my story, I got so much help and support on here. I checked out OW on FB once, it nearly killed me, literally. After a nightshift of MNers offering me support, I deactivated my FB account. I will never look at OW again. Why cause the pain to myself? Why cause the pain to yourself? What do you get out of it?

The hardest thing is to maintain your dignity, I know it is and I am not proud to say that I have lost it a few times but I am a better person than that and I have done nothing wrong so why let them think I'm some crazy woman?!

It's all about you. What makes you happy - what you can do to gain control - what can you do to move forward?

Gradually, the hurt and the anger goes. It comes back sometimes but a little less each time.

My best advice at the moment would be to block OW and then deactivate your FB account. My life is far better without it. Sometimes I think of sneaking back on to see what's happening in other's lives but it is always the same old s**t of people with their 'perfect' lives and living out their relationship online. It bores me!

This time of year is especially hard, I know that. Try and be stern with yourself and make some changes for you.

FoolishFay Wed 31-Dec-14 01:13:40

Be kind to yourself, you begged because you were in shock and you panicked. It doesn't matter, it's gone now. You're doing ok. Christmas is a notoriously difficult time if your personal life isn't as you'd like it to be.

I know it's an old cliche but time really is a great healer. You will look back at this time and find it hard to imagine how distressed you were.

Promise yourself you won't fb stalk her; she's really not worth it. If she's taking up your headspace, you won't be able to focus as effectively on someone much more important - YOU!

I found 'mindfulness' exercises quite useful when I felt emotionally overwhelmed. 'Headspace' is a good app. Paul Mckenna's book / CD could be helpful if you like that sort of thing.
In the small hours when I couldn't sleep, I ranted on to the Samaritans.
They were brilliant. Eventually, I even started to bore even myself!

Just put yourself first, actively seek out things you want to do, try and reframe it as a time for new opportunities and beginnings. One day at a time.

You will feel better, it's a process. But it's pretty dire when you're going through it. All the best.

Undecided29 Wed 31-Dec-14 01:13:42

Lol handfulofcottonbuds. So true about FB I got rid of mine too. Even people who are not so perfect in real life seem so on there. I miss some friends who communicate on there but on the whole happier.

OP please remember the hurt is mostly your wounded pride. And it hurts because you do have pride and worthiness and you can't believe they have done this to you and the indiginity hurts because you DO actually respect yourself. So remember that you hurt because deep down you know you're worth something and he disregarded that and you deserve better.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 31-Dec-14 01:16:31

i have spent today fb stalking the OW and wondering what she had that i didnt or what she could do / give that i couldn't

This isn't about what you and OW did or didn't have. You will drive yourself crazy wondering that as you'll never know.

This is about a weak, cheating man who saw an opportunity and took it. He's the weak one, not you.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, sadly, it just takes time thanks

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 31-Dec-14 01:17:23

i have spent today fb stalking the OW and wondering what she had that i didnt or what she could do / give that i couldn't

This isn't about what you and OW did or didn't have. You will drive yourself crazy wondering that as you'll never know.

This is about a weak, cheating man who saw an opportunity and took it. He's the weak one, not you.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, sadly, it just takes time thanks

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 31-Dec-14 01:18:27

Stupid double entry!

HelenaDove Wed 31-Dec-14 01:40:00

Cotton Buds im glad you are doing better in recent months. thanks

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 31-Dec-14 01:48:39

Thank you so much. I have my little crumbling moments but they are less frequent now thanks

pieceofpurplesky Wed 31-Dec-14 01:48:55

I am with you. It breaks my heart to see the man I expected to grow old with moving on with his life whilst I raise the child he is too busy to have overnight ....

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Wed 31-Dec-14 03:28:15

Another one struggling here. It does get a LOT better. I've blocked them both on all social media. It saved my sanity.

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