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I am not alone

(9 Posts)
drifting2015 Wed 31-Dec-14 00:22:06

Wife announced 5 weeks ago needed space. Within 2 weeks of space marriage is over. Now she is never coming home but has rekindled a previous relationship & has admitted so . I read many many posts & thought thank goodness it is not just me , why walk out on me without a chance to talk ? The twisting of the facts, having read all these v v similar posts , is clealry a common trait of the " leaver " ?

drifting2015 Wed 31-Dec-14 00:26:08

By the way I am the husband left at home . Or ex-h I guess ? Anyway finding this forum has been so so helpful . How many people get wrecked by this " me " first attitude ?

Dowser Wed 31-Dec-14 05:09:54

A lot. It's a wonder I didn't drown in my own tears.

I never believed anyone who said I would get over it. We were together over 30 years.

I sought the counsel of women who had been through it and all had been cheated on and they were all coping. One even had a new man aNd like me she was out of a Long marriage ....so yes , she was mid fifties.

I was lied to for about 10 months. I know you are hurting now but by prevaricating my husband twisted the knife.

You've had a nice clean cut and your healing time should be quicker. I still have flashbacks of scenarios to this day because of his prolonged lying and cheating. I never got the full truth and never will now.

The sad thing is people fall out of love. The worst thing is how they treat the other partner , lying to cover their tracks, or lying to have their cake and eat it.

All of this messes the other person up no end. My friend was given the brutal truth by her ex. Sit down. I'm leaving you for someone else, you'd better see a solicitor.

Then he left. She was devastated but she felt it was far kinder than what I was put through.

I know you won't feel it now. You are in shock. You feel bereaved but no one has died. There's no closure. No funeral. But you know the truth and with the truth you can make decisions about your future.

Let her go. Take time to heal and concentrate on yourself.

Maybe there's something you always wanted to do. You don't mention children. If you aren't tied, now is the time to indulge in hobbies or maybe retrain for another career.

Whilst trying to pick myself up I had a blast and did lots of travelling and new pursuits, like sailing.

I reckoned the only way to cope with the mess was to live well. And did I!

My daughter was very encouraging. I said to her that I fancied going skiing, she said go for it mum, so I did.

I didn't particularly like the skiing but the mountains and scenery was something else.

So, yes there's a big wide world out there waiting for you to dip your toe into.

Good luck.

Daisywheel7 Wed 31-Dec-14 05:16:59

Hi drifting2015
I am sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult especially at this time of the year!
You sound like you were not aware of how bad things were between you and your wife. It will take a long time for you to process all this. Please be very kind to yourself and do not try to think it all at once. It's impossible and will only paralyse your whole being. Just take one day or even one hour at a time. The priority is for you now to look after yourself and be very gentle and maybe find strategies like writing down your thoughts to slowly makes sense of what went on. You will in time move on. 2015 could be a great new beginning for you!
Best wishes smile

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Wed 31-Dec-14 09:03:13

I have not experienced what you are going through but find myself alone after having got out of a very abusive relationship that took up all my adult life. However, I just want to wish you well and welcome you to MN.

I got a lot of support from just reading posts addressed to others and that helped me enormously.

Keep posting if/when you need to. This is a wonderful place with lovely people.

drifting2015 Thu 01-Jan-15 03:27:50

ExW has started txting last night before midnight without contact from me. Also has contacted her son who has passed on contact. Don't want to give away info as suspect ExW is MN member. However seems towards son v reconciliatory as she left him with me when she left.
Seems to son & me she is regretting such impulsive action. I would talk to my ExW, son is v v stubborn ( like his mum ) . What a start to 2015. I have found MN a real , support ? BTW son is 25 but my stepson since 5 yo.

CogitOIOIO Thu 01-Jan-15 14:46:11

Some people are impulsive or irresponsible and can be quite selfish where romance and affection are concerned. Doesn't really matter whether they are happy in an existing relationship or not, the ends justifies the means. It wouldn't be too surprising if she'd made contact with the OM quite some time ago. What has come as a big shock to you could easily be something she's been planning for a while.

So I'm sorry you're struggling to understand but that, sadly, is the effect of playing catch up with someone else's thought processes.

Take some time to yourself and - even though it's difficult - try not to read too much into messages.

drifting2015 Thu 01-Jan-15 23:41:08

The messages have been helpful . Quite right I have been shocked but also have found real help seeing I am not alone, and people have been through this and won through. I am amazed how many partners do it though that what is so sad - I was never told we had any issues ! Think she planned it and jumped ship.

MelenieBrewster Sat 03-Jan-15 20:14:27

My XP did something similar - just went - not even an explanation. With the benefit of hindsight I think he'd been doing OD for a while and biding his time until a replacement came along. Then just walked out on a 10 year relationship.

I hear he's in relationship with someone else now - sounds eerily similar to what he had with me. Hope she sees through his charm and 'little boy lost' act. Tosser,

You'll get over this in time,really you will. Look after yourself - eat well, take some exercise, talk to friends and look after your DSS.

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