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Ugh. Please help me navigate no contact with a shit ex who won't go away

(32 Posts)
SandyVagina Tue 30-Dec-14 23:06:31

I split up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after a third display of possessive and controlling behaviour. I'm in my early forties and have no desire to continue in a relationship where I am expected to never go out with girlfriends (or suffer the consequences) or have any males in my life other than my DCs.

There were other issues, he was older than me (15 years older) and had some (read lots) of sexual issues resulting in us never having penetrative sex in our entire relationship, had health problems he refused to address (I'm not quite ready to be a full time nurse) and some shady financial dealings which resulted in me fucking myself over a few times. I budget quite rigidly and any changes to that can result in disaster. He was aware of this.

Everything came to a pus filled head at the beginning of December and I broke it off with him. We had been together for 18 months and were planning on moving in together in the new year when I came to my senses. Anyway, I met him for a drink and finished with him face to face. I told him my reasons, he argued quite a lot but I remained strong. As we left he tried to put his arm around me and said "come along, sandy, you're over-reacting". I wasn't and even if I were I expect that I can finish a relationship if I so choose. I gave my reasons and they were valid.

He then embarked on a mission. He sent me well over two hundred texts, sent facebook messages to my best friend (who thought I must have died given the panicked tone) who then contacted him only to have been called and texted daily by him. He put up FB statuses bewailing his confusion which were then commented upon by his many friends at which point I deleted and blocked him and anyone tangentially related to him. We have mutual friends and family who then read his shit and contacted me asking what was going on. I do not live my life this way. I am a private person who uses FB as a fun place where I burble rubbish. I would never smear my personal shit over social media.

I sent him one final text telling him that it was over, I have given him my reasons, I don't have to explain myself further and that I won't be responding to any further texts, answering calls or listening to voicemails (I'd had lots of both)

I blocked him on my phone. He then got his son to call me at 2am on Christmas Day. sad This really threw me TBH. I couldn't sleep after the call (I know he was with my ex and he kept asking why I finished it and it must be more than what I said were my reasons - he wants to believe that I've been cheating on him rather than face the truth that I told him I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour and when he did it again I stood by it) and have been hiding in my house ever since.

I blocked his sons number but I jump at every text and every call. sad I don't know who he will coerce into calling me next!

He emailed me tonight. Can I block his email on my iPhone/iPad does anyone know?

I've been advised to contact the police but this feels extreme to me. I've also been advised to send one final message telling him that I will contact the police if he carries on but I don't want any contact. He makes my skin crawl.

His behaviour has convinced me of how right I was to finish this but I'm struggling. Not because I want to get back with him but I'm just feeling assaulted by all this. God knows what's next, his email was weird and didn't make a lot of sense.

I don't know why I'm posting really.

DrElizabethPlimpton Tue 30-Dec-14 23:13:13

That sounds hideous for you. I wouldn't email again. It is just feeding his behaviour and maintaining contact.

If it carries on I would contact the police and let them warm him about harassment.

Good luck and well done ending this abusive relationship.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 30-Dec-14 23:13:31

I think the standard advice is to send a letter recorded delivery or via a solicitor saying any further contact will be harassment.

And then contact police after. I'd call 101 or go into a station for advice

HansieLove Tue 30-Dec-14 23:15:27

Now why would anyone want to break up with him? Well, let me list the reasons. Oh, wait, it would take too long. But he's available, ladies!

DandyHighwayman Tue 30-Dec-14 23:19:33

Well he IS harrassing you, and the Polis can help.

Don't delete any stuff, trot to your local station tomorrow, show 'em the extent of the intrusion into your life and let them guide you.

SandyVagina Tue 30-Dec-14 23:25:44

If I call 101 will they contact him? I don't want to escalate this any further. He's obviously desperate (not excusing him here, I couldn't give a rats arse) and at least so far he hasn't turned up at my door. His messages aren't abusive per se or threatening just...I love you, I'm sorry, im not guilty (tonight, I don't know what that means), and then some about me being headstrong and stuff about me never meaning the things I'd said when I told him I loved him. hmm. FFS. He's in his fifties. I wouldn't expect this shite from a 25 year old.

He's wearing me out.

CrispsAreFruit Tue 30-Dec-14 23:45:32

Look out for the one's when he starts telling you he can't live without you and is going to kill himself - at this point respond with ' i'm sorry you feel like this. I'll call the police and ask them to send someone to your home who may be able to support you '. Then call the police, explain what has happened and let them deal with it. This will get the message home!

tribpot Tue 30-Dec-14 23:55:18

Sandy, this is how to filter emails in the iCloud web front end, i.e. that you would get to from a browser (slightly more verbose instructions here)

It's not clear to me that you can do this filtering in the Mail app itself, but hopefully if you log into from the browser on your iPad the rest should follow from there.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 31-Dec-14 08:01:52

I would email 'Apparently before I take this further I need to officially tell you to leave me alone. If you contact me ever again, and that means via other people, then I will be taking out an order under the Harassment Act 1997. I am not interested in any relationship with you and told you on the Xth of December 2014 that our relationship was over and you have continued to harass me ever since.I also need to remind you that posting about me on Facebook and other social media also constitutes harassment. All of your harassment data is being recorded should an order be necessary.'

I would copy myself into the email so that I had a record and if that doesn't work, take out a harassment order on him. But the officialeze might nip it in the bud.

lunar1 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:20:52

I would ring 101 for advice. Have you kept everything?

tribpot Wed 31-Dec-14 08:23:39

Btw in terms of calls and texts, I would filter out everyone who isn't a trusted close friend or family member - and that group I would inform of the harassment and request that they do not engage with him if he gets in touch. Use the Do Not Disturb feature to make sure no-one else can contact you but instead is sent to voicemail. At least that way you can deal with any nuisance messages at the time of your choosing.

Phoenixfrights Wed 31-Dec-14 09:39:25

A warning from the police sounds the best way to go. I did wonder if you could change phone numbers etc but I have a feeling that this would only bring temporary respite.

Thank goodness you got out!

TheKhalisirules Wed 31-Dec-14 10:10:41

Sandy, I feel like being sick reading this.
I'm so, so sorry you're going through what I am very slowly recovering from.
After throwing my ex out for the last time, and I knew it must be the last time because I was feeling anger like I never had in my life, I contacted the police.
They assisted me to get a Restraining Order based on the calls, texts, emails - and the fucker would just show up at my house.
Turns out this is STALKING.
For a long time I felt like I was overreacting when thinking of police but it was the best thing I did.
He went to court to fight the restraining order and it was just confirmed!

Sorry for the long post, I've been lurking throughout my ordeal and I'm really fed-up of these men.
Please fight back. You will be shocked later to realise how much this is denting your self-esteem.
Good luck, my dear.

SandyVagina Wed 31-Dec-14 10:14:28

Thank you all. I'm going to give 101 a call - maybe not today as I expect they're very busy with it being NYE and that! - but on Friday I will call them.

I'm going to have a look at blocking his email addresses or at least labelling them as junk. Thanks trib for your help on this, and thanks all of you for not thinking I'm over reacting. I sometimes wonder whether I am painting him badly as I know he's hurting hmm. He's got this self-image of being an absolutely lovely, lovely man. When I broke up with him he said something like "all I've ever done is look after you" and i think he really believes it. That's why he can't accept that I've finished it over something he sees as trivial (sending me nasty text messages when I was out with a friend for the night) even though he was already on his final chance.

I dreamed last night that he was in my bed with me - he'd had a key cut and I was trying to get him out of the house without waking my family up and then I lost my voice and couldn't say what I wanted to say. Work that one out, Freud! I'm hardly bloody deep waters psychologically am I? wink

I dunno, I veer from being really angry to self doubt to sadness and then to anger again. I feel so unstable. Drinking too much wine as well. Must stop doing all this, relationships end every day!

SandyVagina Wed 31-Dec-14 10:17:48

X posted with you TheKhalis. I'm sorry you've been through a similar thing. It's so bizarre. Who do these people think they are?!

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 31-Dec-14 10:18:41

You need to tell him to leave you alone and do it in a way that makes it look like you have consulted a professional. If you call 101 they will ask you if you have actually told him to leave you alone. Not just that it is over, but that he needs to cease and desist.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:26:33

Contacting the police is wise, and it is not overreacting. Men like this are delusional, but they are also cowards: a word from a policeman will often make them back off.

Of course, he will paint it as you being hysterical and overreacting, but what do you care what he says and thinks if he is out of your life?

Well done on coming to your senses, well done on blocking him from your phone and social media. Don't try to justify yourself to any of the flying monkeys he sends: a short "I do not want to hear about ex" and a swift change of subject will suffice.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:28:32

Oh, and your nightmare is totally normal: it expresses how well he is trampling on your boundaries and making you feel powerless. I had similar. Take your power back; stand firm, don't engage, and tell the police he is harassing you.

TheKhalisirules Wed 31-Dec-14 11:59:31

and I still have nightmares where I jump out of bed, convinced he's in the room.
And I lock my bedroom door every night.

They are so off the rails, I can't even begin to understand, even now.

One of the texts read: 'you lose a good one, me'. shock

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 12:02:12

Don't try to make sense of the texts: they only make sense in his warped version of reality. Leave him to it, but protect yourself from any glimpses into that warped reality of his.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 12:02:41

Have you called 101?

BadKatie Wed 31-Dec-14 16:25:47

Have you done it yet?

tribpot Wed 31-Dec-14 19:06:58

I think Sandy was going to hold off on calling 101 til after New Year, given the amount of other calls the police will have to deal with tonight.

SandyVagina Thu 01-Jan-15 19:24:32

Yes, I'm planning on calling tomorrow. Had another email last night, then a voicemail message at 2am wishing me a happy New Year and then "I love you, I love you, I love you" at the end. I thought if he were blocked then I wouldn't get voicemails either hmm so I'm a bit weirded out by that. Didn't sleep much after that but didn't drink a drop of alcohol last night as I was babysitting so it wasn't too horrendous. Apart from being woken up at 6am by my gorgeous DGD. smile

I think 101 will tell me I've got to tell him to stop contacting me as someone earlier said. The thought of contacting him to say anything at all makes me sick to my stomach to be honest. I know that sounds wet but I'm starting to just think he can carry on and I can cope. I don't want to feed him but reacting at all.

Madlizzy Thu 01-Jan-15 19:30:16

Your call to 101 is just as important as other calls. Make that call, it's the best thing.

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