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I am the woman I hate...

(71 Posts)
HonestLie Tue 30-Dec-14 23:04:38

I have now knowingly and unwittingly (I realise the contradiction) become the OW.

Please bare with me. At 16/17/18 I was played spectacularly by one guy. Have recovered and maintained a good friendship with this guy despite his actions.

Long story short (sorry its still long but I'm trying to condense 10 years). I met a guy aged 16 he was 28. We had a thing and then I found out he had a girlfriend. I broke things off, they split up we started things up, they got back together we broke things off and so the cycle continued except things never were broken off between them it was all a lie. I often found out things were fine between them when she turned up (and by turned up I mean it was clearly an arranged visit). I finally ended things but we remained friends. I put my willingness to be friends down to being young as to be honest if someone treated me that way now they would be told to fuck of to the far side of fuck and be done with it.

Anyway, he moved away to where his girlfriend (now wife) lives and I got on with my life but due to the fact I am very close friends with his sister I have always maintained contact with his family. I have also remained "best friends" with him. Regular email/facebook/viber contact, Recently he had an unexpected visit home due to a family bereavement and he basically told me (I'm going to bullet point this to keep it short)

1. His wife had cheated on him
2. He told his wife he had cheated on her with me (He told her this years ago apparently)
3. She had asked him if she hadn't fallen pregnant would he be back here with me and his response had been yes.
4. She had read through our PM FB conversations and that she thinks there is some kind affair continuing on his visits back (there isn't)
5. She hates me (I already knew this although struggled to determine why until I realised what he had told her about the cheating even though I had at the time thought it was when they had split up)

I had for the last 8 years thought we were just very close friends. He has confined, as have I about many aspects of our personal relationships. That has now been misconstrued and taken correctly as an EA.

I am clearly a horrible person because I am equally torn between tearing him a new one but waning to be friends (he has, in my head been my best friend for 8 years) and tearing him a new one and walking away. Obviously the latter is what I should do, his wife must be devastated she absolutely (understandably) hates me and he a wanker of the highest order but I still feel heart broken losing my version (which he isn't) of my best friend.

I can't make this right for her. I wish I could but the only thing I can think to make it better is to walk away.

I know it's garbled and there may be many questions. I will answer any of them but am really looking for some advice and any support.

Apologies in advance for typos. Have had a few and on phone.

mrscumberbatch Tue 30-Dec-14 23:11:26

Welllllll... I had a similar thing with my male best friend who had set me up with a partner. When that all fell apart he left his partner in hopes that I would be his partner.

We are a couple, it's been 7 years, we have a kid and a house etc.

It's not ideal but, in our case, we never acted upon anything whilst we were not single and I suggest that you do the same.

He needs to make up his mind on what he actually wants. If he keeps you hanging on he is not your friend as that is not the behaviour of a man who wants the best for your mental health.

Also fwiw- your relationships as a teenager are irrelevant. It's fine to remember them as memories but don't write them into your 'story'. You don't have to justify yourself to anybody.

mrscumberbatch Tue 30-Dec-14 23:12:58

Also your friend is not making his wife happy at all. I would urge him to do the right thing and either end it with her or end it with you for both her, the children and your sakes.

HonestLie Tue 30-Dec-14 23:19:31

Hell no! He isn't with me. We will never ever be a couple. He is my friend as far as I am concerned. Although I know now this isn't really possible. I would not try to influence his marriage other than tell him to do what is right. The outcome does not have me as an option.

mrscumberbatch Tue 30-Dec-14 23:21:37

Well, it sounds like you've made your decision then and so it's up to him to man up and stop being a shitebag to everybody. smile

HonestLie Tue 30-Dec-14 23:26:25

I haven't made the decisions IYSWIM I still want my best friend. But I don't see a way that's possible...

HonestLie Tue 30-Dec-14 23:28:08

And I also feel like the friendship I thought there was never existed...

mrscumberbatch Tue 30-Dec-14 23:32:11

Nope it didn't exist. He's been lying to you and his wife. You should be mad at him to be honest.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with him then he isn't going to stay being your friend as he has admitted he has ulterior motives.

So, you either decide to give it a go ( as I did with my DP as I couldn't imagine not having him in my life but never imagined being his partner) or you have to walk away.

OutDamnSpot Tue 30-Dec-14 23:37:02

I spent years being "friends" with a guy who never told me when he had a girlfriend, like you I would find out when they appeared at events etc.

It took me a long time to realise that whatever his motivations were in our friendship / relationship (and mine too if being completely honest) they weren't helpful to either of us in having separate successful romantic relationships.

I sometimes miss him still but I just have to reflect on the emotional manipulation and how much happier I am without his friendship to know I was right to let it go.

MrsJuice Tue 30-Dec-14 23:53:01

This man is not your friend.
Hell, his wife can't even trust him!

He seems to bask in the glory of adoration, supposed, or real. He wants to be the object of everyone's affection.
I love my husband. He is my closest friend. If he pulled any of this shit, I'd run for the hills!

Nonotagain Tue 30-Dec-14 23:57:15

what juice said wake up and stop holding on. The guy has used you and abused his wife stop playing games and wake up to the reality of the situation

winkywinkola Wed 31-Dec-14 06:18:54

He's not to be trusted.

I bet his wife didn't cheat on him. I bet he's been cheating a lot since he fucked you behind her back all those years ago.

How can you consider him a friend? He sounds like a toe rag.

He "played you" when you were young and vulnerable. You would never tell him to "fuck off to the far side of fuck" , as you put it, then or now because your judgement is clouded.

This man is a creep. Why are you so committed to being friends with him?

I'm not surprised his wife hates you and is convinced there is an affair going on. I mean, what kind of sucker wants to be friends with a lying, cheating git like this?

I just don't see the dilemma.

DropYourSword Wed 31-Dec-14 06:27:16

I'm sorry, but he really isn't your "best friend". Maybe you saw it as that, but I don't think he does, and I think you'd now be fooling yourself if you tried to maintain that argument now. He just likes to have the power of knowing you're there for him and he's got something over his wife. This isn't a healthy relationship, you're not friends. He treated you like shit, cheated on you and his now wife. He's been lying to her for years. You can't trust him. Have the self respect now to act as you say you would in your OP and tell him to fuck right off.

MargoGetYourGun Wed 31-Dec-14 09:11:53

I had something which I now realise was a bit similar. Best friend who was great, loved him (platonically). I was variously in relationships/single, he was always single. I set him up on a dating site, he married the first girl he went on a date with. He then started to gradually cut me off, ending in us not being friends, him asking me not to contact him (over something quite petty which I now realise he was just using as an excuse).

Looking back I can see he had non platonic feelings for me and when he finally met someone he must have realised it wasn't right our respectful to his now wife for his to remain friends.
I miss him but if my theory is right then I'm really pleased for him and respect his wishes. I'm sure if I emailed him with a casual catch up email he'd respond but I wouldn't want to do that.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Wed 31-Dec-14 09:18:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarjorieMelon Wed 31-Dec-14 09:20:17

You are right when you say that he was never really your friend. He wasn't was he. You say he played you when you were 16/17/18, he is still playing you! Oh I bet he is loving all this drama in his eyes he is irrestible, he thinks that he has two women falling at his feet.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Wed 31-Dec-14 09:21:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella Wed 31-Dec-14 09:22:21

You are going to need to let go of this.

Do remember you have only his account of how his wife sees it all, and I was wondering if he is actually testing the water for having sex with you again by recasting friendship in affair terms.

You don't mention other friends or a partner/bf/husband. This married man has occupied far too much of your life, and doesn't sound worth it.

Kristingle Wed 31-Dec-14 09:39:46

im sorry to be so blunt but You are completely deluded about this man . for 10 years of your life you have been manipulated and lied to by a man you think is your friend but has in fact treated you dishonestly and " played " you.

You claim that you are " best friends " but clearly you are not. Normally people socialise with their best friends, they see their friends partners too . Are you FB friends with his wife ? Did you go to their wedding? Have you given a gift to their child ?

That's the kind of thing best friends do . Especially when your Bf is the opposite sex from you and married. People in those situations usually work very hard to keep everything open and above board.

You are not his friend. You are a virtual and sometimes physical OW. You are his dirty little secret .

You need to run, not walk away.never contact this man again . Leave him to work on his marriage and being a decent father.

And go and get soem counselling to work out what you have let anyone treat you like this for all of your adult life

You are 26 and should be having the time of your life, seeing Real friends, socialising , building your career. Perhaps even meeting a decent Single man who will want a proper relationship with you

JapaneseMargaret Wed 31-Dec-14 09:52:11

I put my willingness to be friends down to being young as to be honest if someone treated me that way now they would be told to fuck of to the far side of fuck and be done with it.

Except, he is treating you that way now, and you're absolutely not even vaguely telling him to fuck off.

Be honest with yourself.

HonestLie Wed 31-Dec-14 10:08:07

I am facebook friends with his wife, we don't socialise much because they live in a different country but when she is here I see her. I attended their wedding, they were both invited to mine but couldn't attend, I gave gifts for the children and to her after birth and send a birthday card to each of them. I have skyped with her and spoke to their children on Skype. I have always on the surface got on well enough with her but also always though she didn't like me although also wondered if it was the language barrier. She contacted me to check I was ok when I was going through a shitty divorce. I contacted her when she wasn't keeping very well.

I guess my willingness to be friends is down to the fact that for the last 8 years we have actually just been friends. I don't harbour any romantic feeling for him and his revelations were news to me and shocked me.

I know that this needs addressed and then contact should probably stop. I'm allowed to be sad about it though.

Fwiw to who asked. I am seeing someone, I'm very happy in my life. He hasn't occupied huge amounts of my life anymore than any of my other longterm friendships. Less actually because of the distance.

Thanks for all the replies. It is given me the perspective I need.

HonestLie Wed 31-Dec-14 10:10:52

I also have a beautiful daughter. The assumption that my life has been on some kind of hold is completely wrong. I have lived and am living a very full life with great family/friends, my career is going very well, I have two jobs doing something I love.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Wed 31-Dec-14 10:19:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonestLie Wed 31-Dec-14 10:22:41

My ExH knew we had had a relationship of sorts yes, he was also aware that it ended just after I turned 18 and that we had remained good friends. He was friends with an ex of his who was part of the wedding. I also was never knowingly the the other woman. I believed when he had said they had split up.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Wed 31-Dec-14 10:25:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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