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Can our friendship survive her infidelity?

(61 Posts)
Euphemia Tue 30-Dec-14 22:52:43

I just found out recently that my friend has ended her 25-year marriage following an affair. I'm very sad for her DH and DCs, and angry with her.

She's not the person I thought she was. She went after someone and she's planning to leave her family for him. He's already left his wife. I'm gutted for the family.

I don't know if I want to be her friend any more. sad Can I? Should I?!

CogitOIOIO Tue 30-Dec-14 22:58:21

Pays not to judge someone before you've walked a mile in their shoes. On the face of it she seems to be acting recklessly or thoughtlessly but relationship problems are often more complex than they appear.

todayiamfat Tue 30-Dec-14 22:59:10

I couldn't. But that's because I've been the one that got cheated on.

My stbxh has lost a lot of friends because of his actions. He says he doesn't care. He has new ones hmm.

It's the fact that you never really knew her.
You will get loads of pp saying that you never know what goes on in a marriage etc and in some way putting blame on her poor dh. Bollocks. She chose to do what she did and the way she did it. If i was friends with the dh too, I would definitely be offering him my support instead.

opalstones Tue 30-Dec-14 23:00:44

I wouldn't lose my best friend if she cheated. I love her, I think she is a wonderful person, and understand that people can make mistakes. If she is horribly regretful, she still would be the same person and I would be happy to help her deal with the fallout of her bad decisions.

If she didn't regret the way it happened, things would be different.

JoanHickson Tue 30-Dec-14 23:01:54

I couldn't be her friend either. To cheat you have to behave so badly. Cheats cheat their family out of attention, trust truth time and money. If she would do that to her DC she will do worse to you.

Euphemia Tue 30-Dec-14 23:02:58

She has no regret - she's tickled pink with herself. She can't wait to start her new life. sad

opalstones Tue 30-Dec-14 23:03:25

Well then no, I'd think she was foul.

JoanHickson Tue 30-Dec-14 23:03:54

Just be there for her DC and find a better friend.

MistyMeena Tue 30-Dec-14 23:06:39

I had similar except it was a family member who cheated with one of their friend's partners. Very difficult to see them in the same light all though it's all been swept under the carpet now :-( I'd find it very hard to continue the friendship at the same level.

Euphemia Tue 30-Dec-14 23:11:57

She lives far away now so it'll be easy to let things slide. I feel I want to let her DH know I'm thinking of him, but I don't want to stir.

todayiamfat Tue 30-Dec-14 23:18:34

Txt him OP. Having just gone through this, it would mean so much. My stbxh's close friends were kept in the dark long afyer he had admitted the affair to me. When they found out they were still in shock.

I received a xmas present and so did the dc. The thought meant so much. You don't have to elaborate or get involved. But personally, knowing that the cheater's friends were 'thinking of me' would have meant a lot.

BuggersMuddle Tue 30-Dec-14 23:20:07

I think I'd find the 'tickled pink' thing harder than the cheating / leaving.

If a friend showed remorse for how they'd acted but still felt they'd made the right decision (e.g. should have left years ago scenario) that'd be one thing, but not giving a shit about the impact on ex & kids would make me think they were a cold fish.

WhyNotSmile Tue 30-Dec-14 23:22:28

A friend of mine is involved in a relationship with a married man (she wasn't married, just him). He has left his wife and children, and has moved in with my friend. It's further complicated by the fact that he's a fair bit older than her.

It was an incredible shock to find out that this had been going on, and I no longer see her in the same light, but I have remained friends with her (albeit in a different way, as I no longer trust her the way I used to). But I think the age difference has made it different than a regular affair - it felt more like he was bored in his marriage and preyed on my friend for sex (he basically admitted this when it all came to light). She has an incredibly difficult background, which has made her emotionally more like a young teenager than an adult, and is quite vulnerable. For these reasons, I've felt I have to stay in her life, as I think at some point she will realise she's done something wrong and stupid, and she needs to have someone she can turn to at that point.

I've made it very clear to her that I think she is doing something utterly wrong, and that I have less respect for her as a result, and that I no longer fully trust her, but that she's my friend and I love her and am here for her.

it's a hard situation to be in.

MerryMo Tue 30-Dec-14 23:32:52

Its really horrible when this happens.

I have kind of lost my best friend since she started an affair 3 years ago. She kind of knows I dont approve although I have not been so blunt to her face - but she must be able to tell.

Its just changed the dynamics with us. She rarely calls me anymore (we live over an hour away from each other) because very spare moment she gets to herself is texting OM and arranging to get together with him.

She has stopped inviting me and my family to little get togethers she used to have at her house - such a New Year, Birthday, Xmas etc because OM is there and I think she is frightened I may say something - her fear - because I am the only person that knows.

I dont approve and am beginning to see a side of her I dont like much anymore but she has been my best friend for 30 years so its hard to let go.

heyday Tue 30-Dec-14 23:59:30

You will probably find that your friendship will just dwindle away as she will be so 'loved up' and only have time for the new man.
Life is a journey and relationships come and go over the years.
She will probably dump most people from her life now but if the new relationship ends she will come running back feeling sorry for herself and expecting everyone to treat her like a hard-done-by victim.
People do change and you have to evaluate and decide if you want to carry on this friendship.
On the other hand, a friend of mine was married for over 25 years and she tried everything to make her husband show any interest or desire for her. She was desperate to make it work but was very lonely in a cold, empty marriage. She did eventually meet someone else and she left her husband and 2 grown up children to start a new life. She is incredibly happy now. On the surface her behaviour seems awful but once the truth is known it makes it more acceptable as life is too short to be lonely and miserable if it can be avoided. It's hard to judge so perhaps just back off a bit and see where it goes.

oneowlgirl Wed 31-Dec-14 00:06:08

I think it'll likely dwindle automatically although that said, I couldn't be her friend after such despicable behaviour & would be happy for that to happen anyway.

MzTickle007 Wed 31-Dec-14 00:08:11

I have a friend who cheated on her partner with 9 men, he is a good boyfriend (caring etc.) and provides for her financially etc. but she still chose to cheat with 9 men.

I am still friends with her, but I disliked the way she treated her partner. I am aware of her characteristics, of 'self-centredness, ability to spin a lie on the spot and sound convincing" but I still class her as a friend.

I have another friend who is very caring and loving person who had an affair with a married man (she was single). I would never end that friendship, as she has always been there for me through a lot, and I'll never forget her.

I personally would be friends with her, as I have judged people in the past for things, but have ended up doing those things myself.

winkywinkola Wed 31-Dec-14 06:12:16

Op, she's going to need her friends in about a year's time when all this new life goes to shit too.

however Wed 31-Dec-14 06:30:23

All my friends are decent people. If they left their marriage for someone else, I'd assume they'd thought long and hard about it.

IrianofWay Wed 31-Dec-14 10:03:58

H had a short affair. It hurt like hell but we are still together and doing OK. There are reasons for it happening but none of them about my failings as a wife or a person.

My closest friend is on the verge of starting an affair with a single man. She was worried about telling me about him because of my experience but the difference is her marriage is nearly done, 90% because of her H's dysfunctional family and his utter selfishness - she adored her H when she married him and he has systematically killed her love for him. I don't blame her in the slightest and if this hastens the end of a sad sad relationship that is draining the life out of her, so much the better.

winkywinkola Wed 31-Dec-14 10:07:12

Irian, you don't think it would be better if she binned her h first?

I just don't think it's justifiable.

Euphemia Wed 31-Dec-14 10:10:22

I have no problem with her ending her marriage - she's been falling out of love with her DH for years.

What I find unacceptable is the way she sought this other man out behind her DH's back, and the fact that she's planning to move away, potentially leaving her children, to be with him.

I've known her my whole life. I don't know her at all.sad

Joysmum Wed 31-Dec-14 10:11:08

I found out this year that somebody I'm close to is having an affair with a married man.

Since then, I've seen her different and become very aware in his many other ways she's selfish too. That was the start of me seeing her differently.

IrianofWay Wed 31-Dec-14 10:17:30

"Irian, you don't think it would be better if she binned her h first? "

Probably. She's moving out in the New Year - ostensibly for trial period and to get away for the situation with his family - but they both know it's for good. All over bar the shouting. But I agree she should be more direct about it now.

JaceyBee Wed 31-Dec-14 10:34:57

I adore my friends and would forgive them pretty much anything. I had an affair with a married man (I was single) and they were there for me, even though I'd kind of lost it for a while. They may not have agreed with my choices but they never shut me out and tbh I would have considered it pretty narrow minded and judgemental if they had.

I know many of my friends have cheated on their partners, I still love them though. I tend to judge people on how they treat me and believe that we are more than our behaviour, cheating may be bad behaviour but it doesn't make someone a bad person.

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