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Terrible guilt over ending relationship

(10 Posts)
opalescent Tue 30-Dec-14 21:32:24

I ended my relationship in July, after finding flirtatious messages between ex and a close friend of mine. It wasn't the first time he'd done something like that, although I don't think he ever physically cheated. However, I couldn't take the sleazy online behaviour, as it was coupled with ongoing problems over his intense jealousy and controlling behaviour. It was a very oppressive situation, which made me unhappy.
Ex has no coping mechanisms whatsoever, and has sunk into a spiral of despair, particularly over christmas. I don't want to feel responsible for him, but I feel an ache when I think about him feeling so bad. He thinks that I have taken everything away from him, over trivial mistakes. He doesn't understand the bigger picture, or pretends not to. We have one child. He has effectively lost his house, car, and a live-in relationship with his child. I don't want to be with him, but I feel so dreadful about his situation. I should add that I have gone to endless lengths to support and encourage contact between him and our child, and am selling the house as quickly as possible to split equity 50/50. So I don't feel I am 'taking everything away from him'.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Dec-14 21:35:29

err, that would be him that wrecked his life, not you

your guilt is misplaced

opalescent Tue 30-Dec-14 21:57:44

You're right. This is what I need to be told!

GoatsDoRoam Tue 30-Dec-14 22:00:43

Stop listening to him saying you have ruined his life, and don't rush important things like selling your house in order to accommodate him.

You have now split. His feelings go in any other ears but yours. Not your problem anymore. And the only salutary thing to do in a split is to cut contact over anything but the practical aspects of allocating stuff and arranging for contact with DC. That's it.

I'm glad you realize that you shouldn't feel responsible for him, but you're doing it anyway. Halt those thoughts dead in their tracks.

LostyTheSnowman Tue 30-Dec-14 22:03:38

opal I know exactly what you are feeling and feel exactly the same way, I've had a mire of guilt round my neck at depriving H of his home (although he never lifted a finger to make it a home) and living with his children (although he has every opportunity to share them 50/50 with me, if he chooses not to, well!) I am half here to support you and half to read what other posters put! I am trying as hard as you to make things equal and to share everything but the guilt is horrible. AnyFucker is, as always, correct!

Hassled Tue 30-Dec-14 22:03:48

"He thinks that I have taken everything away from him, over trivial mistakes." - no, they weren't trivial and he's dug his own hole. I think if you're struggling to disengage emotionally then you need to do what you can to reduce actual contact - can anyone else do the DC handover for you for a while?

opalescent Tue 30-Dec-14 22:27:06

Thankyou all so much for replying.
I do not contact him at all other than to arrange contact, but he regularly texts with 'sad' or angry messages. I know I need to block this outlet for him, but up until now have felt that seemed unduly harsh. His mum is helpful at handovers.
Losty I'm sorry you're feeling the same, my ex is also crap regarding contact, despite me being happy to accommodate anything up to 50/50, if that seemed like the right thing to do.
When I feel rational, I can see that all this is entirely his own doing. But when he is repeatedly telling me I've ruined his life, it starts to seep in a little.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Dec-14 22:47:47

harden up, girlfriend

before you know it his cheating cock will be seeping snaking it's way back into your life....

clam Tue 30-Dec-14 23:27:36

Wow, he's good isn't he? He is a controlling, unfaithful (as good as) shit, yet has managed to do such a number on you that he's got you feeling responsible for the fall-out!

Next time he tells you you've ruined his life, tell him bluntly that he's managed that all by himself.

NoRoomAtTheGin Wed 31-Dec-14 07:09:50

Thank your very lucky stars you are separate and not married

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