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Need some perspective

5 replies

Palepowder · 30/12/2014 18:47

Posted at the beginning of this year. Husband left me and 4 Dcs for OW. (Kids aged between 11 and 4) Was living in another country. Since then I have brought them back to my home country and settled them into schools (4 different schools as couldn't get them into the ones local to me).
He has kept me dangling for the best part of this year, 'deciding' if he should come back. I know I should kick him into touch but find being the single parent of 4 so hard. School runs, homework, pre-teen and four year old 'attitude'. This Christmas has been a struggle.
Am at breaking point. I just want my old life back. How can I see a way forward? He sees them every couple of weeks but in-between it's just me and I find the demands of them all so hard.
He's still with OW, spent Christmas abroad with her.
He wants me to go back to work (and don't get me wrong, I would like to) but I just don't see how I could between school runs and the 12-13 weeks of holiday they have each year. Just need some straight talking probably.

OP posts:

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Jujuheyhey · 30/12/2014 19:23

Hi, didn't want to read and run. Not sure I can say much of use except marvel that you're still standing!! Your kids are at 4 different schools?!?? No wonder you feel run ragged. Are you anywhere near family, is he providing financial support? Just wondering who you have to help out IRL?
Also, with all due respect, his opinion on your going back to work stopped being relevant the moment he cleared off, so tell him that you will go back to work once he starts to provide his share of the he childcare. Wishing you well through all of this.

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muddylettuce · 30/12/2014 19:34

Sod what HE wants. Is he willing to help out with childcare (either physically or financially) to enable you to work? Doesn't sound like it to me. You have 4 kids and he swanned off on holiday over Christmas?! He sounds a prick. You won't get your 'old life' back and nor should you want to. You have to make a new life now, my advice would be to start thinking more about what you want. If that's a job, great, go for it, if its to join a book club, go do it. Perhaps once you have started thinking about what you want you'll find the strength to tell him to do one. Good luck. X

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CogitOIOIO · 30/12/2014 20:03

You mention kicking him into touch but you don't mention if you've started the divorce process and/or if you have access to a solicitor. If you're struggling as lone parent to 4, that's understandable. However, he is co-parent and if he can't assist practically because he's in a different country, he should compensate you financially. Which doesn't mean instructing you to go out to work.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 20:46

How does what he wants matter in any way? Does he take them off you every two weeks giving you a break?

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Palepowder · 30/12/2014 21:08

Thank you everyone for replying.
He's not in a different country anymore (lost his job) but goes back and forth to his 'girlfriend'.
He does have the children every two weeks for a weekend (I pack their clothes and he brings back a dirty bag of washing).
And at the moment he's financially supporting us. I know, it could be a lot worse. He's a high earner. I have that on my side, I know but he's lost his job and will probably try all kinds of shenanigans to avoid paying maintenance.
The letter from my solicitor to his is draughted, it just needs me to give the go-ahead. It just seems so final and I have been warned that once the ball is rolling he's likely to get awkward with money. I think he will. At the moment he has his cake and he's eating it.
I think the divorce courts will want me to go back to work to support myself, but with the holidays the kids have (and the various school pick ups and drop offs) I can't see how I can do it without them having a huge change in support, and in a way that realistically I can support myself. Plus I'll still have the 3 loads of washing a day to do, homework x4 and getting them to and fro to school.
I just feel like I've let them all down, Christmas was hard. My eldest was particularly nasty to me (preteen I know) but it did feel like all the effort I put i was a waste of time.
I sound like a real winger.