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Ex is a fucker.

(30 Posts)
woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:03:43

Ex H has been gone about 6 weeks. He was EA and I'd had enough, couldn't take it any more. Life is so much more relaxed etc now, BUT tonight DS (21 months) asked for Daddy, as he does most days.

Ex H has been in touch with me twice since he left and refuses to speak to DS as it is too painful for him/DS (personally am hmm at this reasoning and think he knows how guilty I feel about ending things, knowing H would fuck off).

Tonight DS burst into tears when I said "Daddys away" and tried to distract as normal. Big proper hulking tears. He didn't nap today and has just gone to bed 5 mins ago before 5pm.

Please tell me this is more to do with tiredness than any big realisation he's not seen his Dad in ages?

Fucks me off that he won't phone/Skype/Facetime but I cannot make him.

Fuck!!!! Argh. Was doing so well. angry angry angry

Feel much better now!

Spero Tue 30-Dec-14 17:07:06

Sorry to hear this. I think tiredness may have made it worse but I am afraid he probably is going to be very upset and confused and will need a lot of reassurance from you. After all, if one parent can disappear, the other one can too.

Its beyond shit if his father won't see him. But I don't think you can try to brush it under carpet, he is going to miss his dad and he is going to be upset so I think you need to acknowledge that, reassure him you aren't going anywhere, then try to distract him.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:10:25

How can I do that in language he understands?

I work 4 days but decent hours so am always home by 4.30, and with the holidays we've been together constantly since last Wed.

I try to keep a bright voice when he asks for Ex H and distract him.

When ex was around DS would scream if I went out of sight but now I can go upstairs/pee and he'll continue playing quite happily.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:11:20

And is "Daddy's away" a good thing to say? He understands all gone sad

Spero Tue 30-Dec-14 17:20:03

Its really hard. I am not sure what the 'right' thing is to say to such a young child.

My daughter was 3 1/2 when her dad left. She asked him 'when will I see you again' he said 'I don't know' (the miserable useless fuckwit) and I will never forget how her face crumbled.

Its such a massive failure of parenting to leave a child hanging like this. Its beyond selfish and cruel.

I just said that daddy had gone back to work and that she would see him soon, we would sort something out and that he still loved her. In time she has learned to cope as he does see her on and off but he is not consistent and I think she is confused and upset by this.

I don't know what to suggest if you have no idea when his dad will see him again. It wouldn't be fair to say he is going to see him if you don't know that this will happen.

I suppose I would just say that daddy has gone a way for a bit, but you hope he will be back to see him soon and that you understand this must make him feel very upset and you are very sorry that he is upset, you love him loads and you aren't going anywhere.

theendoftheendoftheend Tue 30-Dec-14 17:22:37

Was your ex H very involved with him when he was there? Sounds over tired as much as anything, 21 months is still very little. I second what Spero said really, try to reassure him with yourself and be honest that daddy is gone away and you don't know when he'll be back. It's early days and he's only little IME they've adapted more easily at that age.

Spero Tue 30-Dec-14 17:25:46

It probably is a good thing that he is so young - at that age he will come to adapt and won't have many memories of his dad being around. It's often much harder for older children as they have more memories and may start blaming themselves for why dad left.

You may have a difficult couple of weeks but hopefully he will be ok if you do reassure him.

What will you do if your useless ex does pop up and wants to see him? Could you trust him to make a commitment? I think it can be really damaging if parents pop in and out of children's lives as they see fit.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:27:09

I hope your daughter is okay Spero. Cruel is indeed the word, I can't even contemplate how someone can treat their child that.

He was a SAHP from when DS was 9 months until he left, so they spent loads of time together.

Perhaps I will say Daddy's away for work and will be for a while but Mummy will always be here. He's very affectionate and cuddly so next time we cuddle I will reinforce that I will always be here.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:30:23

Yes, I think I need to be grateful he is so young (I wanted to leave when DS was 6 wo but stupidly didn't, can't change that).

Ex h veers from never seeing him again, to seeing him when he's 4, to seeing him when he's 10.

I think i have decided he will gave to take me to court to get any access, as I don't want DS meeting a stranger (if he has a personality change and starts phoning etc regularly that would be different obviously).

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:31:46

Two of his children from a previous marriage (now adults) have been in touch to say they're sorry we've split up and they hope we both can raise him together. Didn't have the heart to tell them the truth.

TonightTonight Tue 30-Dec-14 17:40:31

I have a DS of a similar age and I think you need to tell the truth. You simply don't know why daddy isn't in touch or when he'll be back. Don't lie to your DS for your ex and say he is away for work. Be the dependable parent your DS knows he can rely on. That's all any of us can do.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 17:44:15

Will he understand at his age? He also has a habit of answering lots of questions with no even though he should surely be saying yes so no reliable way to check he understands. Funnily enough the answer to do you want toast/cheese/fruit etc is always an emphatic yes grin

Spero Tue 30-Dec-14 18:00:19

He may not understand. It is very hard to understand! I don't understand how any parent who has spent time with a child can just walk away like that. But like Tonight says, just tell him the truth as simply as you can. You just don't know and you are sorry he is sad.

loganberry12 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:09:07

I'm in the same situation my ex won't see our daughter who is 5 because it hurts too much!! Wankers . He hasn't seen her or even sent a card over Christmas she use to see him most days so it's very upsetting. She has asked a few times I've just said he's poorly ATM .

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:18:58

Fucking fuckers! angry

Usually v mild mannered but it makes me so angry.

loganberry12 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:25:33

They'd rather punish us than show their children they are lovedangry

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:27:35

Exactly. It is pathetic.

loganberry12 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:32:29

When he eventually contacts me to see her I'm not sure what to do really as I don't want him in & out of her life. He did this with our older son who is now 19 & wants nothing to do with him. He see him when he was 4 for about a year then completely cut off until he was 10 ( because he didn't fit into to his life style)

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 30-Dec-14 18:43:18

My DD used to cry occasionally and say she missed Daddy (He too is a useless fuck of a father, who thinks his £100 a month makes him father of year).

I just used to say, "I know baby, but you still have mummy here for cuddles" and we'd have big cuddle.

Damnautocorrect Tue 30-Dec-14 18:48:04

You need a watered down truth, my son had some of his very close family cut out at that age and my standard was 'they are busy'. He was upset for about 2 years, the minute I explained the truth, he was fine. Not really asked or spoke about since. I wished I'd gone with the truth sooner.

Spero Tue 30-Dec-14 18:50:22

Yes, they are all jostling for 'father of the year' aren't they?

reminds me of the great Chris Rock sketch - i take care of my kids! - You are supposed to take care of your kids!

i was told I had no grounds for complaint because some fathers are soldiers or 'away on business trips'.

Their lack of insight and callous self centredness is truly staggering.

lavenderhoney Tue 30-Dec-14 19:05:26

It's awful, but keep it simple. Make absolutely sure he knows you are always there. Be very kind ( im sure you are, and tiredness plays a huge part)

Tell him Daddy doesn't live with you and him now and has his own place. He is very busy. And get very busy yourself organising your ds days and weekends into the future.

Don't build his df up at all, and keep it all calm and without expectations. " oh, he loves you very much but he's very busy. Shall we go to Brian's house now?" And be quite careful about his affections transferring to another chap ( a friends dad) or something. He will try to make sense of his world, as many do to get back to a place we felt safe. He needs a new safe, iyswim.

woowoo22 Tue 30-Dec-14 19:43:26

Glad but also very depressing to know am not alone.

He has always been very close to his Grandad (my Dad) and even more so now, but I think that's okay? Strong male role model etc, and family member with Grandad role as opposed to substitute Dad role.

wherethewildthingis Tue 30-Dec-14 19:51:29

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your little boy. I do not understand how men can do this. In my circle I have a woman who has spent two months sofa surfing with her three year old, she is moving to a new place soon. The "Dad" left them homeless because he didn't want the relationship any more and they were living in "his" house.

FushandChups Tue 30-Dec-14 19:55:21

Grandad seems like a great choice - he will always be there for him in a way that your ex won't, well certainly won't for the foreseeable future.

My ex was the SAHP as well when he left and whilst he has still remained very much involved at one point, he saw my DC for two nights a month! I too don't understand how you can use your children to punish someone who - in my limited experience - hasn't actually done anything wrong other than trust an idiot..!

You will get there eventually but these first few weeks are so hard for you both so be kind to you too. wine or brew , whatevers your poison

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