Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

That horrible moment you realise

(15 Posts)
M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 15:51:21

I've just realised I've made the biggest mistake in moving in with my OH, moved in together too soon and for all the wrong reasons!!

We had only been together a year when we moved In together and the only reason he asked was because we got a little surprise and found out we were expecting! Now with 11 weeks to go I've realised what a horrible mistake this is!! We never argued etc till we lived together, we seem to spend more time not talking than talking now and the lows of our relationship are overtaking the highs! I gave up 95% of my things to move here and can't afford to go start again right now right before I have a baby, I'm really scared this is going to rip us apart and totally ruin our relationship!! Well that's if it hasn't already:/

ArgentinianMalbec Tue 30-Dec-14 16:03:15

Hi OP. Didn't want to read and run. Sorry you're having a tough time. If you're 100% sure this relationship is not for you, you should of course leave. There is always that option. But being pregnant causes our hormones to be all over the shop so you may want to bide your time before you rush into any life changing decisions.
I wish the 3 of you all the best, whatever you decide. thanks

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 16:08:13

I do want the relationship, I love him 100% but think living together so soon is destroying us! My hormones could very much be playing a big part in it but I'm just so sick of feeling down and crying every time we argue, he'd happily brush everything aside but nothing's getting solved that way and it just rearises a week or so later

Wrapdress Tue 30-Dec-14 16:15:04

That is a sickening feeling. That sudden moment of, "Oh crap."

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 16:15:47

Defo wrap!

ArgentinianMalbec Tue 30-Dec-14 16:19:53

I see what you mean OP. If you love him and he's a good man it sounds like it's worth fighting for! For what it's worth I moved in with DP after we had been together a year, got pregnant (planned) after 3 months and then we both thought we had rushed things. DD is now 1. He's an amazing dad and we still have our differences sometimes but we love each other and are staying together. smile Good luck

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 16:23:34

Thanks Argentinian I really hopper can get past it! I'm happy to hear you and OH managed to pull through and are happy smile I know if/when we pull through we will still have our differences but that's expected from any relationship!

PuddingLlama Tue 30-Dec-14 16:43:07

I've signed up specifically to reply to this OP.

My OH and I moved in together after 3 years together and our first year in the same house was a nightmare! It takes a LOT of getting used to someone's living habits, they're completely different to occasional staying over habits and you'll probably drive each other nuts. Eventually we settled into a routine and things calmed down, we still have the odd tiff and I get so fed up of asking him to load the dishwasher I could scream, but I think that's normal when you're living with other human beings, especially if you're used to being independent.

My best tip would be look for techniques that don't involve the silent treatment and try not to yell, trust me I know it's hard but fighting ignoring each other (and thus the issue) or having a slanging match will stress you out so much more.

Good luck smile

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 16:55:27

Thanks! Yeah I knew it'd be hard but just didn't expect it to be this hard!! Tbh our arguments never get that heated but I do give him the silent treatment which is very unlike me, normally I'm the kinda person that 10 mins after an argument I'm like "right it's done, we've said what we had to say and that's it" but recently I just can't seem to be like that lol should really just blame it on hormones!

Think I just need to focus on DS upcoming birthday to keep me focused and then once that's passed it'll be time to start organising for baby's arrival

flux500 Tue 30-Dec-14 18:17:26

OP I think what you are feeling is normal and pregnancy is overwhelming enough as it is.

Try and focus on what is good with your partner, specifically what positive aspects he brings by living together. Tell your partner what aspects you like and ask him what he likes about the two of you living together. You can then move onto say if this then I'd really like it even more if this and that and he can also put things forward.

I'm speculating that he's not being as understanding as he could while you are pregnant as this brings a lot of uncertain feelings in all areas. And perhaps you are slightly over sensitive whereas previously you weren't and maybe he has to get his head around that too.

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 19:03:14

Thanks flux, think that is a good idea! Think it is all down to how I'm feeling tbh as he is pretty understanding when it comes to the pregnancy and how I'm feeling! I think I'm also finding it hard with how hormonal I am as iwas never use this in last pregnancy

Topseyt Tue 30-Dec-14 19:53:44

Moving in with someone and living with them is a very different proposition from just visiting them socially and going out on dates.

I do know. I have been married for 21 years to a lovely man, but I have had to adapt quite a lot (and thank God he is a fairly tolerant and easy-going type because I am not).

Both of you have to compromise sometimes. I have learned to live in a less than perfectly tidy house (he is more chaotic and laissez-fair), and he also improved somewhat in what he did.

You also learn to pick your battles and decide what really matters before giving forth both barrels. Pregnancy hormones are totally unhelpful there, and I went through that three times. I would fly off the handle far more easily then and stupid things mattered hugely. I remember once bursting into floods of tears over the colour he had painted the garden shed ffs. To cap it all, he had also spilled some of that paint onto the cat!!

Give things a chance, especially if he is supportive of you during your pregnancy and you are both looking forward to the baby arriving. Do nothing hasty at the moment. Believe me, in a few months time when the baby is born you will be needing all the support he and family can provide.

Good luck, and I hope things settle down for you.

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 20:43:53

I totally get that we'd both have to adapt and I'm totally willing to, just never expected it all to be this hard!

Well it's another day of no talking by the looks of it, tried to there but he's went in a mood cos I had dinner with my son and "shunned him" so he's sitting in the room :/ thank god I'm at work tomor to get away from this lol

TantricShift Tue 30-Dec-14 21:22:45

Before we had DD1 we shared my flat for 2 years. It worked mainly because he was away for work most of the time. When I got pregnant we decided to move closer to his job and I gave up everything, flat, car, job, friends etc. at the time it seemed like the best solution to his 2 hour commute and the need to have him closer when baby was born. We moved to a lovely house and the hell began. We had so many arguments it was crazy. I look back and see that I made a mistake in moving away from family and friends at a really crucial time in my life but also I was feeling very vulnerable to be at the mercy of my DP having given away my independence. I am ashamed to say I took this out on him even though I had agreed to all the decisions. I had given everything up and I was terrified. Add my crazy hormones to that and the arguing began.

I hate to say but the first year with a new baby was pretty unpleasant but I can now see that it was not his fault. I just had a lot of adjusting to and unfortunately I didn't do it graciously. Fortunately he stuck with it even though I think there were times he would have gladly walked away. We are still together and I still struggle to share my space but 6 years and another DD later I think we are ok.

Feeling vulnerable is scary. Depending on others is scary. Having a baby is scary. Try to share your fears with him rather than pushing him away. It might make things easier to cope with and adjust to.

Good luck.

M27J5M Tue 30-Dec-14 21:39:37

Oh I know how scary it is and how much hard work it is to have a baby, I have a nearly 6year old DS and know ill need him when baby is here! Sitting thinking about it all today and getting it all out on here is making me realise that it's more to do with how I'm feeling, I've been totally independent for 6years and now all of a sudden have to rely on someone else and I just find it very difficult and I think the reason I'm giving him the silent treatment is not because I don't want to talk to him and more because I'm angry at myself for feeling and behaving as I am! Yes I accept we moved in together way too soon but I'm caught up on the fact we didn't do it because it was what we wanted or felt it was right, we only done it because I'm pregnant and I know that is good reason in itself but if I knew it would put so much strain on us both then I'd have happily stayed in my own flat to save our relationship that was pretty amazing and made it a lot stronger before embarking Into this journey that feels like a downward slope

I honestly don't mean for that to sound so negative, just trying to get everything out and straight in my head so that when I do actually get him to sit and speak I know exactly what to say/explain

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now