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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I do what I want to do for New Year or what the dc want to do?

30 replies

whatnow2 · 30/12/2014 15:26

I know this is not a big problem but would like some opinions on this .

The context is that every year my Dad and sister are with us for Christmas, and we then go to h's family for New Year. He normally ends up staying with his Mum while dc and I go to his sister's house and stay up till midnight (his family live about 2 hours away from us). Last year h did come to his sister's as well but looked annoyed the whole night so that wasn't great.

This year my Aunt has invited us to a get together at hers on the 1st. She also lives 2 hours away from us but in the other direction. I really want to go to this but knew that h would not come and that 2 out of 3 of the dc want to go to his family for the usual get together (we have not been invited to anything but it is usually all unspoken). So the plan (or my plan anyway ) was that I would go to my Aunt's with my youngest dd (8 years old), and I was hoping that h would take the other two dc (10 and 13) to his Mum's.

H has now gone away to work on a rental property in a town about 4 hours away and was due to come back today or tomorrow when I was hoping I could put my plan into effect. He now says that he realises there is loads to do there and is going to stay until after the new year.

So (and I realise this is a non problem), elder 2 dc are now annoyed that they will have to go to my Aunt's with me. Would you not go to your Aunt's (as youngest dd is not really bothered either way) if you were to the only one who wanted to go there? I was really looking forward to it and to be honest do not want to go to h's family without him there (though I have done this before). Their way of being is really different to my family's and I never feel particularly wanted or liked there (though the kids love being with all their cousins) whereas I find my Aunt really welcoming and feel excited about being there. My cousins and there children will also be there, but my dc are much closer to their 1st cousins on h's side as they know them much better (and are more closely related).

Thanks if you have read this far!

OP posts:

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whatnow2 · 30/12/2014 15:28

their children

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 15:31

Put both options in a hat, 10 times. Each of you pull out an option. The one that gets pulled out most is the one you all do. If half and half, then put out another round. Keep going until a decision is made.

holdyourown · 30/12/2014 15:35

I would go to aunts and say you'll see h family next NYE or just arrange a separate get together with the cousins in the new year.

APlaceInTheWinter · 30/12/2014 15:35

Go to your aunt's and enjoy

Your DCs normally have the New Year that they want so it's your turn to have the New Year that you want. I actually think it's good for DCs to learn that they have to be considerate sometimes and that their DP's needs have to be taken into account too.

When your DH returns, he can always take the older DCs to visit their cousins and have a belated get-together.

feelingunsupported · 30/12/2014 15:40

It's your turn really. I would choose my family if I were the only adult involved in the decision

whatnow2 · 30/12/2014 16:07

Thank you. I am inclined to agree . I suppose I am feeling guilty because I have had my time with my family over Xmas and now two thirds of the dc want to see h's family. It's true that not going at New Year doesn't mean they can't go really soon afterwards however.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 30/12/2014 16:13

Go to your aunts. The kids will probably enjoy it in the end anyway.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 30/12/2014 16:30

Go to your Aunt's as the ILs isn't an option anyway this New Year.

JustALittleBitLost · 30/12/2014 16:37

Go to your aunt's and have a great time!

ImperialBlether · 30/12/2014 17:21

Think of everything you have done for your children over Christmas and do something for yourself over new year. I wouldn't hesitate, tbh!

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 30/12/2014 19:20

Go to your aunts,suit yourself for once.

whatnow2 · 31/12/2014 00:18

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go to my Aunt's but elder two dc are giving me a very hard time about it. Feel that I can't give in now as they will forever see me as more of a pushover than they already do .

OP posts:

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 31/12/2014 00:23

ask the elder two to talk to their father about facilitating this. he has done a bunk so he does not have to.

Paperblank · 31/12/2014 01:17

I'd be a bit naffed off with DH deciding to stop away tbh.

What would you like to do for New Years Eve OP? Who would you prefer to ring out the old and ring in the new with? Therein lies your answer.

Have a wonderful time wherever you end up

Paperblank · 31/12/2014 01:18

I'd be a bit naffed off with DH deciding to stop away tbh.

What would you like to do for New Years Eve OP? Who would you prefer to ring out the old and ring in the new with? Therein lies your answer.

Have a wonderful time wherever you end up

Paperblank · 31/12/2014 01:20

oops sorry!

Didn't mean to post twice obviously.

BackforGood · 31/12/2014 02:07

Im going against the grain. Your dc have seen your side of the family, and now they want to see their other cousins, as is y8ur family tradition. I think its unfair to not let this happen.

Yambabe · 31/12/2014 02:12

Older DC will just have to suck it up.

They will probably have a great time when they get to your aunts, in the meantime it is Dad who has wrecked their plans not you and any whinging/sulking should be directed at him.

Why on earth does he want to be away from his family on NYE? That rings a few alarm bells for me.........

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2014 02:46

What you do on New Year's Eve is up to you all.

But why is your dh away?

Why not try and all be together this year and all together another time.

Sounds to me like some fun time together is what you all need, IMVHO.

sykadelic · 31/12/2014 02:58

BackForGood "family tradition" shouldn't always be a deciding factor though should it.

OP just because you normally do something doesn't t mean that for the rest of eternity you're doomed to do it. It also doesn't mean that you can only see people on set days. There is nothing wrong with mixing things up once in a while.

Ask yourselves whether what your DC do on New Years is unable to be done any other time, and vice versa. It sounds like your chances of a get together with aunt, cousins and kids wouldn't occur without this special event so the kids can just suck it up.

Also good for them to get to know other people too!

whatnow2 · 31/12/2014 06:41

It sounds like your chances of a get together with aunt, cousins and kids wouldn't occur without this special event ^this is exactly the situation so thank you for articulating it better than I have with my kids! Will use this when they wake up and battle recommences !

I agree in a way that it should be a joint decision and that it would be fair for dc to see their cousins now, but had h been here everyone could have done what they wanted to. I have been telling dc to direct complaints at him but they know that I am still wavering and it is more worth their while to keep on at me.

I am annoyed that he has done a bunk . He would argue that he didn't know how much work he had to do before he got to the rental property, which I am sure is true (and as it takes so long to get there it makes sense to stay and finish), but the whole situation does fit in with his detached/aloof nature (not from the kids but from me). He also said that I should phone his Mum and tell her we are not going (arrangement completely unspoken and he has a large family with various people unpredictably visiting or not as the case may be - but he says she will be expecting us to turn up). I asked him to so that she knows he is the one who is away but he came up with all these off the wall / jokey reasons why he can't .

Yes I agree that some fun together is what we all need but the next best thing was h taking dc to his family where they want to go while I spend time at my Aunt's. Who knows if h's sister is even having the dinner she usually has and which dc 1 and 2 so want to go to as no one (dcs' cousins or SIL) has texted to ask us along.

Why on earth does he want to be away from his family on NYE? That rings a few alarm bells for me......... Yes it is odd isn't it except that in some way h isn't into any celebration really - he has the same attitude to birthdays. We have had some very rough patches in our relationship but things had recently got better over Christmas. I do think he dislikes lots of stimulation and really enjoys/needs time alone - he is a bit of a loner. On the other hand maybe he has planned an illicit get together and being 4 hours away is the perfect opportunity.

just because you normally do something doesn't mean that for the rest of eternity you're doomed to do it yes "doomed" is how I kind of feel as get togethers at h's family are all about the grandchildren and nothing else as the adults do not really get on (though everyone likes h's Mum as she is a very gently character). I am really glad the dc have this but it is true that just because we don't see their cousins today doesn't mean we can't see them really soon.

Would definitely personally prefer to ring in the new with my Aunt but ds has been telling me it's not all about me - sigh. And can someone tell me when and how my 13 and 10 year olds became so forceful ??

Thanks for all your messages .

OP posts:

whatnow2 · 31/12/2014 06:53

And Happy New Year .

OP posts:

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FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 08:11

I am going to go to my Aunt's but elder two dc are giving me a very hard time about it.

Tell them they are free to go to your husband's family...oh no you had forgotten they don't drive nor do they have a car. Shame.

WellAsCanBe · 31/12/2014 08:38

You can't please all the people all the time. Just be calm about whatever decision you make; don't make a big deal out of it whatever you do. And don't get involved in drama with the DC if they don't like what you choose to do. Happy new year!

Hulababy · 31/12/2014 08:45

Your dh isn't around and won't be at his parents either. You don't appear to have a relaxed relationship with I laws, so why would you go there alone without your dh.

Your children are still children. Your elder children are being rude to you. Don't facilitate this and remind them that you are the adult and not them. I really wouldn't stand for their rudeness after all this time.

Go to your aunts and tell your children they are going to and you don't want any nonsense from them either.

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