Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting over emotional abuse

(7 Posts)
sniffle12 Tue 30-Dec-14 13:21:18

I am now in a wonderful relationship but have made the mistake of reading an old diary from a time when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I was very naive and fell into all the traps, blaming myself, giving myself emotional breakdowns from the stress of trying to please somebody who couldn't be pleased, letting myself become alienated from friends and family etc.

The problem is that I only came to the realisation that this was an abusive relationship once I got into my present relationship and discovered what a non-abusive relationship felt like (wonderful), and I still haven't ever talked to anybody about it because I feel too embarrassed for being such a mug for four years and I suppose still blame it to an extent on myself. I'm also still grieving so to speak for the four years of my life that were wasted. When I read this diary I realised I am still holding on to all these feelings but have nobody to share them with.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? Who did you speak to and how did you broach the subject? Did it actually help you to 'get over' the feelings you had?

CogitOIOIO Tue 30-Dec-14 14:19:30

Sorry you're still struggling. Personally, I found friends were very good at listening and letting me talk through my feelings. One in particular -who knew me when I was in the relationship - has been invaluable. Other people in the same situation would probably recommend counselling or something like the Freedom Programme. Can also be worth talking honestly to your new partner. You dont have to give chapter and verse but, if your feelings are affecting your behaviour, it can be useful to share a little.

peachgirl Wed 31-Dec-14 13:47:53

I can't advise as I haven't been in a situation like yours, but I'll bump this for you. In the meantime, Cogito gives excellent advice. Hope you can work it out flowers

WitchesGlove Wed 31-Dec-14 13:54:05

No real advice, but you are not alone!

I'm sure there are some good books out there. And believe in karma, your ex will eventually get his cummupence.

Lucy90 Wed 31-Dec-14 15:18:56

Sniffle i have also been in an emotionally abusive relationship but didnt realise until it came to an end. Im in a new relationship with a kind and caring man and i often find myself wondering do i really deserve this happy life or am i waiting for abuse to begin?
I understand why you find it hard to talk about in RL because i havent confided about my own experiences to anyone. I just wanted you to know youre not alone in feeling like this

onceinagoldenmoon Wed 31-Dec-14 16:58:07

Similar to Lucy90 - i also have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and only saw it for what it was when it ended. I also found myself in a state of apprehension and often second guessing myself.

My advice is to be kind to yourself. Don't look on those 4 years as 'wasted'. You have learned a valuable lesson and you will take this forward into the new year and into any relationships you have with others. You see things for what they are now and you recognise that your previous relationship was unhealthy. That is a valuable lesson learned.

I let it go by speaking to people, reading books and blogs (baggage reclaim website) has a lot of good info.

To be honest, even though I am over it, it took some time, and occasionally something will trigger those emotions but I have found that i don't need to engage with those thoughts and emotions.

All the best. As someone pointed out to me once... this too shall pass and you will be stronger.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 31-Dec-14 17:18:10

I am still holding on to all these feelings but have nobody to share them with.

You have identified your solution. Your feelings will keep troubling you until you've been able to process them out in the open. Friends are wonderful for this: good close warm friend, and a pot of tea... And also a professional counselor could be good if you want someone who will guide you with questions and possibly offer you some therapeutic insights.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: