Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm the OW and want it to stop(8 Posts)
Hi everyone, I've lurked around here for many years but never thought I'd be the one posting, despite knowing i'm going to get flamed and ripped to shreds I need some objective help with a situation.
I've been with my P for approx 5 years now, before my P I had a very broad social circle (was 17 when got with P), I had a couple of on/off boyfriends but mainly my best friend was a guy, let's call him ex just for eases sake. Ex and I had slept together once or twice but under the circumstances we ended up deciding to keep it as a friends situation as we didn't want to loose eachother. I got with P and he hated ex, ended up with ex leaving the picture.
Me and P have a rocky few years with berevments and then I got fired from my work, we argued alot, about a year and a half into our relationship ex messages me to see how things are going, wrong I know but I go for drinks with him and some of my old friends without P knowing. One evening we're out I feel a bit off, go home and for some reason I don't feel the need to message them again, turns out I was pregnant. Myself and P were unaware and didn't find out until we were 5 months gone (due to stress of jobhunting and arguments at home as we live with my parents who are frankly sick of us I think it's just illness), I forget everything about ex and throw myself into being a mummy, me and P are still not getting on very well but we want to make a happy family so we try our hardest to make it work, P gets a job and I'm over the moon, but things aren't getting any better between us, he stays out all night the night before my birthday and Iogin to his email to see if he's mentioned where he'd gone and found emails off his ex and that he'd been flirting with other girls. He dismisses me and I think this is where the anxiety starts, another few months past and I focus on DS to keep myself in check, then ex messages me out of the blue to see how I am, and I think, 'well if he can have different gender friends why can't I?' (Childish I know).
Myself and ex start texting and we agree to meet up one day while DS is with my parents, nothing happens we just catch up and talk, and I feel like ive been missing this in my life (P dissaproves of any friends from before we were together so I had nobody at this point). P gets fired and we decide its time to try and moe forward, we move out together, around same time ex suffers a berevmant and we end up talking more than often (he too has a girlfriend), P and I plod along for the sake of DS, and there are plenty of times we are happy, but during the time of ex's berevmant ive told him about things P doesn't know about, and I begin to worry if I break it off he'll spill these facts and fact we've been talking to I try to cut back to email or 2 a day. Then P and I have a trial separation and despite the fact he has a gf ex is first person I run to, we end up getting a bit flirty by text and he sends me a photo, we meet up and end up kissing but I'm filled with guilt (DS was with p for day). I realise that despite our differences the best thing for DS is 2 parents together (or so I thought) and we give it another try, but by this point I'm not really sure of what I want from ex, so I explained how i'm feeling and he tells me that if I want it to stop it can, until he messages me again, and for some reason I can't help myself replying. Things go on like this for a year, secret messages when DS is asleep or at school n p is at work and now we're in 2014, my feelings are all over the place, I want to stop talking to ex and have tried to end it several times but after the amount of time there's an attachment there, not going as far to say as I loved him but cared deeply, P has left several times over unrelated to ex issues, and the only light ive got in my life is my ds. DS started school in September and dp found a job, and everything seems like it's looking up. Ex informs me he's moving from half an hour bus ride away to 10 min walk, and I'm a bit shell shocked, stupid as this sounds I genuinely believed it was so we could be closer, a friend informs me despite him not mentioning that it was him and gf moving in together, I get so annoyed with him for lying to me (ironic I know) that I tell him its over, change my email address, he knows the day DS gets picked up by his nan for tea after school so he texts me and asks to explain, I agree to meet up, we do, he explains and somehow we end up back at his place doing the deed, 10 minutes into I make an excuse to go and the guilt is horrendous, ex acts like he's really into the idea of us, and i'm hating myself. P since he started work has been hiding phone and staying out til 2am on a weekly work night out, workmates have said hes been getting very friendly with a workmate and I think I thought it'd be best to just keep what happened quiet because I didn't want to cause anymore drama, plus I deserved anything P was doing. I start feeling unwell, but while DS is at school I agree to meet ex once more just to tie up loose ends, and a repeat of last time happened, day after I hit the deck and get taken into hospital with pneumonia, p chooses to watch the match rather than come with me and DS goes to parents, P comes to drop some clothes off then goes. I get discharged and tell ex, who doesn't even give me a 'get well soon' which I think where the penny finally dropped that he didn't want to be my friend, just wanted a hole to fill. He keeps suggesting meeting up again but ive maintained can't get a babysitter (can just don't want to) and feels like constant pressure.
I'm looking at 2015, and I think although DS has always been my main priority ive always been anxious about being a single parent, but it seems like that would be so much easier than this. My issues with P I believe can just be put to rest by arranging an appropriate custody set up for our son, as you can see that's all he's interested in anymore. But the problem is with the ex, do I just go no contact? Or do I explain to him why I'm walking away? I feel horrendous for his partner but its not my place to say anything (is it?). What if he spills the beans on everything and P ends up hating me rather than us being on good terms. I appreciate that alot of people on here have been the victims of women like me and I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone and I know deserve any negative responses I get, just didn't know where else to get unbiased opinion and I don't want to be the bit on the side anymore.
Thank you for taking time to read.
Wow, what a mess. You're totally right that your son is your priority. But it sounds like your partner is being emotionally abusive, and you're right, your friend is not a friend.
I think, and I think you know that this is what you should do to, that you need to break off from your partner, walk away from your friend and have a fresh start. Do you have family and other friends to support you as a single parent?
With regards to telling your friend, keep it loose and brief as possible otherwise he will just try and get you to meet him again. Avoid avoid.
Good luck OP
Thank you so much for not being judgemental, I believe a fresh start is definitely what I need, ive got a lot of family around me who have been telling me they can help me, and granted they have been a fantastic help so far. Thank you for the advice regarding friend, I think its just a case of getting the phrasing right because I want him to know its over for good this time.
I really appreciate the reply x
They both sound horrible. One uses you for sex and the other is not in love with you.
Op you're only 22 (am I right given your timelines)
Get rid of both. Start afresh just you and your little one
I was you 8 years ago, in a god awful relationship both bored both miserable but had a small baby. and I was seeing another man who only wanted me as I was married and a challenge
It got to new year and I just thought you know what life's too short. Ditched them both and was So much happier. Now remarried with 2 more dc.
Oh OP, you are so very young. I don't mean that patronisingly - but at your age I barely knew who I was or what I wanted in life.
Leave both these men behind (remember "This isn't working for me anymore, please do not contact me again" is a perfectly acceptable way of dumping someone).
Spend some time with your DS and start enjoying life! You shouldn't have all this nonsense going on at 22.
Thank you Rebecca, think ive known that for a long time but have just been trying to live with rose tinted glasses on.
I'm 22 now, turning 23 early in new year, thank you Gary, tbh I think I just needed to hear other peoples experiences on getting out of something like this with a positive ending, sounds like everything's worked out for you afterwards
Thank you summer, tbh there are times when I feel like I'm about 40 with all the stress from it, got myself caught in a crapstorm with what felt like no way out. I think just something short would be enough to end things with friend, ive been panicing he'd make a massive deal out of it like in the past but thinking logically why would he do that? He's got a comfy life with gf n he wouldn't want to ruin that. This is why the different perspectives were needed
Thank you all again for being kind over this, really means a lot.
Keep posting here if it helps OP
There's loads of support
But trust me you'll be happier on your own. my Life took on a whole new joy when I got rid of ex and I became so much more confident, I made new friends, I had men queuing up (sorry if that sounds big headed!) I started a new career and just enjoyed life.
An added bonus is that you will get time off when your dc dad has access.
Also as a single parent there is financial help available whether you're working or not
Join the discussion
Please login first.