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Don't know what to do :-((11 Posts)
Sorry if this is long.
I posted a week or so ago about my dp and his erection issues. Essentially, he struggles to obtain and sustain an erection and doesn't ejeculate during sex. He has always had these problems since before we got together. We have been together 8 years. This problem has recently gotten a lot worse and last time we tried to have sex he couldn't obtain an erection at all. He said that he just doesn't feel like sex at all at the moment and got very upset about everything. I made him contact relate at the time.
Jump to today and he rang the doctors this morning to try and make an appointment but there are no pre bookable ones left. He also rang relate to chase them up and left a message.
So, that is all positive...he is making steps to sort himself out and get back on track. I think he is depressed (he has a hideous workload and is constantly working), and this is making everything seem 100 times worse for him. He thinks his penis is shrinking and doesn't believe me when I say it's not. He thinks he is fat (he is not), and is generally one of lifes pessimists.
The problem is that I am desperate for another baby. We have our little girl who is 3 and means the world to us. We conceived her via him ejaculating into a cup and using a syringe due to the lack of ejaculation during sex. This is the third year I have asked if we can try for another baby. Last year he said to give him a year. This year all this has happened. He has said he doesn't really want another baby, in fact he doesn't want to think about it at the moment (which I understand), and that our working lifes will get more difficult with more work (we are both teachers). I told him that we can't base having another baby around 'what ifs' etc. He said he doesn't want another child who he might not love because he was forced into it. He then directly asked me what would happen between us if we couldn't have another baby...would I leave him. I honestly don't know and said that I wasn't sure. I then broke down in tears (very mature). He then said that if I helped him through all his problems then he would owe me one so maybe we could try for another baby then.
The thing is, I have already been put off for the last 3 years. What if he gets sorted and then still doesn't want another baby? What if it takes years to get him sorted? I am nearly 32...not old but old enough to start thinking that this is now getting to make or break. But he is a good dad and adores our dd and she adores him. Could I break up our little family for such a selfish reason as wanting to have another baby?
I am so miserable at the moment. He is constantly working and is low and constantly picking at things about himself that he doesn't like. He said he wouldn't blame me if I went elsewhere for sex as he can't provide me with it at the moment.
I sound so selfish...he is going through shit and I am worried about not having another baby. I love him, but I hate how down about himself he is and he is not the person I fell in love with.
He has made steps to sort things out so that is good. I have told him to make an emergency appt for the docs tomorrow as he actually said that he was feeling awful and didn't want to wait until next week.
Sorry, this is completely waffley. What would you do if this was you?
a) stay and support him no matter what
b) stay and support him but put some sort of time frame on the baby thing
c) go, and try and rebuild mine and my daughters life whilst he sorts himself out (which I worry will not happen without my support)
I would recommend you go to Relate (or similar) before you do anything drastic. He may find it easier to talk it over with a trained counsellor. They usually have a waiting list but maybe your occupational health at work might be able to help you find something more quickly? I do sympathise - these issues are very difficult to discuss.
Thanks. I feel a whole lot better for writing it down tbh. It has been spinning round in my head all afternoon which is not helpful. It makes things appear a lot worse. I hate that mother nature is making me feel like this re.the baby thing. It is like an all consuming need. Nightmare, and hardly helpful for my dp!
He's made a docs appointment and that's a big deal. Leave it for a month now, you've got bags of fertility time left. Once he's been to the docs and had some kind of treatment suggested give him time. He's got you wanting SEX and a BABY at the same time as it's a lot of pressure on a problem which gets considerably worse under pressure. Don't tell him you're backing off for a bit, just do it. Rant on here, rant to friends but to him appear fine about it all.
I am going to throw a curved ball in here, one I feel uncomfortable with because I am no expert in these things. It is just that halfway down your post I got this feeling. Is it possible that he may be gay, but not know it/admit to it?
I could be totally wrong of course. Totally. Just an initial feeling.
He's told you he doesn't want another baby, why on earth would you force him to have another? And he wouldn't "owe you one", helping each other through difficulties and depression (cause it sure sounds like that's what he's suffering from!) is what partners who love each other do. There's no owing anything.
If you can't accept that he doesn't want another baby then leave, just stop putting pressure on him and for gods sake don't give him a time limit! He'll just feel even more under pressure and it could wreck your relationship completely.
Desert, this has crossed my mind too quite quickly, especially with all the self-loathing he has, which often happens to closeted gays.
It sounds as if he had some mental heath issues which are having knock-on effect on his virility. I would hold off on all life-changing decisions until he has been checked out by a GP. Just make sure he is following up on getting an appointment, but don't pressure him about anything else. Good luck, hopefully they can get him sorted out with his anxiety/depression and he will be able to a) plan your future and b) be more willing and able to "perform" in bed,
I'm also basing this on the fact that he ALWAYS had these issues with ED, before he got depressed.
Ok..tender subject..but here goes...I feel a real link between anxiety/stress and performance...I have never suffered with ED...but can say my PE is linked to my anxieties and stress of performing well for my wife...Sorry to add another uncomf issue in...but my counsellor tells me that my PE is linked to my low self esteem and lack of confidence...that stems from abuse I suffered as a child...I've suffered with PE for years and through counselling we talk about my need to be perfect..and the sheer exhaustion that creates.
He's not already on anti-depressants is he? These can cause major erectile problems
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