I have been with DH for seven years, married just over five and have two kids, 2 and 4. First baby was accidental but we were planning to marry and buy a home together, second was planned but happened quickly - I gave up work so it made sense to get it over and done with. I ended up with back problems after the second pregnancy and really suffer with the pain and immobility while taking care of the kids and now doing a 40 minute school run with pushchair. I'm also horribly depressed and have low self esteem and social anxiety.
When I met DH he wanted to be my knight in shinning armour and whisk me away. He was certain of our compatibility, it was destined to be and I was perfect for him - despite me pushing him away as I'd come out of a relationship just as I met him and I wanted to be alone. He wouldn't leave me alone and I gave in. We got through some shit, had some good times but the pregnancy was tough, his family reacted very badly, despite being supportive of our relationship prior to our announcement. They were so awful I cannot forgive them, DH is more of a head in the sand type and will pretend it never happened to have a perfect relationship with them, he knows that I still don't like them and this pushes a wedge between us. At the time it made me feel we were so strong and unbreakable - he almost cut contact and uninvited them to our wedding. Things have happened since to remind us, showing the disparity between their treatment of us and his sister. It hurts me but not him, he just doesn't think about it and has no tolerance for me expressing my hurt.
Another feud occurred with friends and he mostly stuck by me but really struggled to adequately stick up for me. So much so that these 'friends' believed I was forcing him to do things against his will - seriously, he will not do things he doesn't want to do but I know he can appear to be much easier going to friends than me and they were probably projecting their bossiness and manipulative behaviour onto me - I'm very much what I am is what you can see and I cannot lie or pretend to like people who I don't, I'm genuine to a fault, getting myself into trouble by being too honest or sticking up for myself. Although in recent months, years perhaps, I've become very withdrawn and really struggle with people at all, bruised by these situations, feeling very let down.
Over this time the man I met seven years ago is unrecognisable in his behaviour towards me. He rarely sticks up for me, wanting to be diplomatic and keep everyone happy rather than challenging things. He also critical of me and it's like he's started to believe that I am this horrible person I had been accused of being by people who didn't know me or had their own paranoias. Ask him a simple question or ask him to do a small task and I have him shouting at me for having a go when I am not. If I shout because he's far away or he's not responded, so I think he's not heard me, I am accused of being aggressive and angry, when I was not such thing. Being in pain and struggling I have to ask more and more for help and have to carefully word these requests so as not to incur his wrath - I have to stipulate the timing for a request because if I don't he assumes I want it done now and I am being unreasonable for making him drop everything to do it - I'm walking on egg shells asking for help. He doesn't have the same concerns with the house being tidy so doesn't see the mess that I see, and I don't have high standards! It appears that he doesn't like me and does believe I am a horrible person, why can't he just respond nicely to a request rather than defensive and attackingly. It's like living with my enemy and it's been up and down like this for years. We both have found parenthood stressful and exhausting, it may have been a mistake for me to have kids and for him, he'd be happy as long as I was doing all the grunt work and he just got to be fun dad. He says things in front of the kids, to the extend that my eldest has started repeating things, 'mummy is horrible' 'mummy is angry' 'I don't want mummy here she has ruined our day'.
There's no abuse or aggression but just a gradual erosion of my already low self esteem, sense of identity and confidence. Not helped by being a full time SAHM who can't get out because of my mobility issues so have lost friends.
I know my DH would carry on just as we are forever more, but I can't and I need this to stop and to have a loving and cooperative partnership, I'm so disappointed my DH no longer adores me or even acts as if he likes me. I always thought we get through this down patches but I am no longer sure we can. I've mentioned changing and (when he refuses to accept there is a problem or even talk) separating many times but he won't make plans to leave and my only true option is to leave, either alone or to take my youngest and leave my eldest here with her dad and school. We can't afford to run another household in London so I'd have to move up north. But I don't know if I can leave them, even if I thought it was for the best, I'm terribly depressed anyway so they may be better off without me.
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Is my marriage over?
7 replies
LostOnLand · 29/12/2014 15:28
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