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Should my friend meet her ExP this evening? Some advice please.

(12 Posts)
fishinmyhair Mon 29-Dec-14 15:10:00

After speaking to my friend who has had some difficulties getting her Exp to accept it is over I suggested to her to post here as I know there are some women who have had similar issues.

Some background.
They were seeing each other for about 2 years, not living together. He has a ds and so does she of similar age.

She knew things weren't quite right after about a year when she started noticing that his parenting was lacking. His son has had some emotional problems and has been known to steal, lie, lose his temper and hit out at children including her son. Her Exp's reaction to these episodes were not helping his son and he would ignore it or play it down "boys will be boys" and "thats just children".

She brought these issues up with him but was met with silent acceptance but no change or reaction. Over time she began to dislike the son and became disappointed in her Exp. This grew until she realised that she didn't want to be with him anymore. She tried to work things out, offer suggestions to get help for him and his boy. Other friends of his noticed and pointed out similar things to him.

This had no affect. In August this year, she texted him after an unsuccessful day out to say she didnt want to be with him anynore. Since then he has had periods of about three weeks of no contact and then an evening of constant texts where she will have had to tell him to leave her alone. He kept refeing to meeting up but she has declined. He has also mentioned not being able to live any longer without her.

It stepped up a little yesterday with him texting her to say either she met him or he would turn up at the house. She called him to stop this and during the conversation it came to light that he has been following her and waiting at the station after work. He doesn't really have any need to be in the area for other reasons.

He has asked her to meet tonight but he still wanted it to be on his terms and even though she has family visiting, expected her to drop everything.
He has let her know that his son has been getting some emotional help from school and that he is changing how he parents and accepts he was wrong, but he seems to think that if he solves the problems she will have him back. She does not love him or want him anymore. She is concerned about the following and I am concerned that he doesn't accept her no. She is anxious and feels sick about meeting him as it might be a waste of time but there is a hope that he will listen this time. She doesnt really want to go.

I have suggested to her that if she does meet him that I can drop her off and pick her up as he had wanted to drive her. My spidey senses are tingling.

So.... if you think she should go, how should she handle it because he doesn't seem to listen to what she says and thinks she owes it to him to give him another chance.
Or... if you think she shouldn't go, what do you suggest she does to end this all once and for good whilst keeping herself safe?

I know this is a long one, thank you for reading, we could really do with your help. Thank you in advance.

YellowTulips Mon 29-Dec-14 15:14:54

No she shouldn't go. It's serves no purpose whatsoever other than to "reward" his persistence (aka stalking tendencies).

She should go no contact and report to the police if he continues to harass her.

theendoftheendoftheend Mon 29-Dec-14 15:16:27

I would suggest she report it all to the police and ask he be issued with an harrassment warning. Hopefuly she still has the messages he's sent?

CaptainMorgansMistress Mon 29-Dec-14 15:16:36

Honestly the fairest thing to him is for her to be completely clear.

1. Text saying 'to be clear, I am no longer interested in being in a relationship with you. Please do not contact me in anyway again. Any further contact will be deemed harassment and I will take evidence to the police.'
2. Delete and block his number.
3. Never ever return any contact and do contact the police if his contact continues.

BlackDaisies Mon 29-Dec-14 15:17:13

She shouldn't go. There's no reason for her to go. If she absolutely has to, then go with her (don't just drop her off, meet him with her). Listen to your instincts. He's following her, not listening to her. She shouldn't be alone with him.

Justwanttomoveon Mon 29-Dec-14 15:17:53

No, she shouldn't meet him, from what you have said I'd be seriously concerned for her safety. She should contact the police about him following her and harassing her, she can call 101 rather than 999 and they should give her some idea of what to do next. It very worrying, I think your spidey senses are bang on.

TracyBarlow Mon 29-Dec-14 15:19:55

She should not go. She has no commitment to, or responsibility for, this man. Seeing him is not going to help him move on.

If I were her, I'd put simply, in writing (text/ email) tha she wants no more contact with him and if he does contact her again she will unfortunately have to involve the police.

BowiesJumper Mon 29-Dec-14 15:22:32

No way should she meet him. It's just prolonging contact that she no longer wants.

VitalStollenFix Mon 29-Dec-14 15:25:42

Of course she shouldn't go. What possible benefit to her is there in going?

He just wants a chance to get hold of her face to face and try to bully her into changing her mind.

what she needs to do is to say no, I will not be meeting you, I have made my decision and I must insist that you respect it. If you fail to do so, I shall report you to the police. Do not contact me again. If I find that you have been stalking me again, I shall also report that to the police.

She has the right to end a relationship and to have that decision respected. Much as it is painful to have someone say they don't want to be with you - you have to accept it and move on. Not try to harass, bully or intimidate them into taking you back!

Oh well, she doesn't want to be with me but I MADE HER!

How romantic. hmm

Don't go.

She needs to reiterate it's over and meeting would serve no purpose and then she needs to block his number and if he continues to harass her, call the police everytime and get it all logged with them.

fishinmyhair Mon 29-Dec-14 16:02:23

Thank you for your replies ladies. It has helped her straighten her thoughts and make a plan, especially regarding non contact and police. Still not certain what she is doing but I'm quite adamant she won't be alone if she goes. It might be that I go out for a drink with my husband tonight.

Pastmyduedate0208 Mon 29-Dec-14 16:15:58

He sounds like a psycho.
Please strongly advise her to stay away from him.

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