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AIBU re STBX having the DC?

(27 Posts)
HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:01:06

H & I are in the process of separating - he will hopefully be moving out early in the new year.

He has been EA over the course of our almost 15 year marriage, although I've only realised this in the last couple of years.

He suddenly had an epiphany in late September, declaring that the reason he's never been happy is due to him missing a 'spark' that he had with an ex-GF years ago.

Of course it's transpired since then that he thinks he's found this 'spark' with someone new. He is absolutely following the script that millions of men before him have followed.

I feel a lot of relief that he will be out of our house soon - the atmosphere is terrible at the moment as he clearly wants to be somewhere else, but he hasn't had the balls to actually pull the trigger & move out because of the DC (7 & 3). It's now pretty much unlivable for all of us & he accepts that he needs to go.

However he's now started with the stupid comments about how he 'knows how I will act' that I'll try & turn friends & family against him, try to ruin his new relationship etc etc. This attitude pisses me off as I've been extremely rational & level-headed up to now (and he's done some pretty awful things) as I want this to be a positive thing for the DC, and not something else that we fuck up for them.

So...he wants the DC 50% of the time, but we've agreed to keep it to weekends only for the first month or so until he sorts furniture etc in his new place & gets it a bit more homely.

He's now started saying he can only have the DC at my house for the first few weekends he has them as he wants to spend his free weekends with his new GF & his mates so he won't have time to sort anything for the DC to stay round when he has them.

When I object to this (I just don't want him in my space anymore, have nowhere to go overnight etc when he comes round) he starts sneering again, telling me I'd being a vindictive bitch and this is why he can't live with me but has known how I'll make his life etc etc

Am I being unreasonable? From my POV if I was moving out & away from the DC the first thing I'd want to do it make the new place homely for them & show them how much it was their home too.

Sorry for the long OP, I just wanted to give a bit (!!) of back story so as not to drip feed later.

Justwanttomoveon Mon 29-Dec-14 13:08:15

Yanbu at all, he is. If he wants to prioritise his new gf and friends over his own children he is a complete tosser. I would tell him to think what he likes, it really doesn't matter, don't let him get under your skin. Until he has a place suitable for the children to visit then he can either take them out for the day or fuck off. Best of luck dealing with the twat x

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:10:42

Thanks Justwant

You have confirmed exactly what I was thinking smile but his years of brainwashing override my sanity sometimes.

He is behaving like an absolute dick, but keeps telling me I should be over it as he is. Nice.

NewName2015 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:11:16

Oh god - don't let him have them at yours - what a recipe for stress!

clam Mon 29-Dec-14 13:13:25

What an absolute wanker.
Tell him you have no interest whatsoever in how his new relationship goes, or anything in his life so long as he pisses off out of yours asap, and that your only concern is your children. But that does not include him swanning back in to the house playing Disney Dad when he can spare the time from shagging his new squeeze.

<wonders if might be hormonal>

Justwanttomoveon Mon 29-Dec-14 13:18:26

It takes a while for all that brainwashing to leave your system but it will. His gf probably has no idea what a prize dick he is, but she too will learn. He has no right to tell you how you should be feeling, what a nasty little prick he is.

HamPortCourt Mon 29-Dec-14 13:19:56


What he does with DC during his contact with them is 100% his responsibility.

Have you actually started divorce proceedings? YOu say you are "separating" but if you want to be sure he won't keep swanning back in you need to divorce.

Good luck and stand firm thanks

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:20:04

Thanks all - I feel better already smile

Too long in the house with the twunt over Christmas has worn me down confused

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Mon 29-Dec-14 13:20:55

Tell him it's not on as you want your free weekends to spend with your mates and new boyfriend, in your house.

What he wants is an excuse to keep coming in to your house to snoop, I suspect. Just to keep his territory marked. What a nob.

I'm sure his new girlfriend will be just fine about him spending so much time in his ex marital home. You may need to spell that out to him.

Seriously, is he expecting you to go out/away when he's there with the dcs?

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:21:33

Once he's out I'll start proceedings.

He seems to have the impression that it's a temporary thing while he shags this new gf out of his system but I've told him once he's gone he's gone. Dick

middleeasternpromise Mon 29-Dec-14 13:34:41

Employ the smile and wave strategy till you get rid, then engage business processes - he will never honour 50:50 not since his plan is based on a 'me, me, me' rationale. He knows he's in he squits here but he wants you to take the blame and perhaps that's been a job he allocated to you several years ago and wants to ensure its still in your contract once you are no longer on his staff so to speak. Once out - completely change house and locks, try and maintain a doorstep handover if you can or better still drop them to his. Never agree to him coming to yours for protracted periods of time, you will have no privacy and he will use the opportunity to lord it over you - you will feel completely violated. He will argue that its 'for the children's needs' that's a total crock by the way - kids do not want to see either parent intimidated or bullying n their behaviour.

Hes pretty much telling you how the roles are going to go - him the hard done by trod on dad you the vindictive woman scorned using the children as weapons. Cut right across that crap by organising a mediation appointment in the first week hes gone and say you want the contact sorted first. He can try to emotionally manipulate you but a mediator will be advising him just how off beam his ideas are and how things work in the real world - not the one where he is Lord and Master; you really just have to sit back and watch that in action but don't be smug despite how enjoyable it might be. Unreasonable people are often wedded to type them do not switch between the approach - he's going to need managing with tight boundaries that are not relaxed until he's learnt the rules. If he has a GF in two playing team 'him' he gets to go home and have his ego bolstered with her saying - you're so right honey and she's a meaney - she will have to find out her own way what the deal is that she bargained for there. Its no longer your problem. My strongest advice is to think with your head and not your heart even though its probably breaking. You will get through this and be a much stronger and happier person.

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:54:28

Middle that's fab - thank you smilesmile

SolidGoldBrass Mon 29-Dec-14 14:04:58

Get some legal advice regarding the house as soon as you can. without consulting this man. Technically, if your home is in joint names it can be a bit difficult to force him out of it (though in practice changing locks because you 'lost' your keys and 'forgetting' to get new ones cut for him is a pretty good stalling tactic) Otherwise everything that Middle said. And good luck.

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 14:41:46

I've allowed myself to fall into a role of accepting blame & letting him dictate.

I'm so desperate to be/appear reasonable that even when I know he's been out of order I've not taken any action so he couldn't roll out the 'I told you so' routine.

I need a bit of fire in my belly for future dealings with him & will keep reading this thread to get it.

Thanks all smilesmile

clam Mon 29-Dec-14 15:17:18

There's no point in trying to appear reasonable - you can't reason with an arse anyway. You will always be in the wrong as far as he is concerned, so you might just as well act in your own (and the kids) best interests if he's going to blame you anyway.

Justwanttomoveon Mon 29-Dec-14 15:20:49

Agree with clam who cares what he thinks or says, you'll be in the wrong no matter what you do.

theendoftheendoftheend Mon 29-Dec-14 15:28:02

My ex did this. Inititially insisted he'd have them 50/50, never did. Then said he'd 'have to have the kids more' once I said I was going to go to CSA re maintenance because he didn't want to pay more then the minimum. Then proceeded to have them on a weds eve for a couple of hours and a few hours at the weekend, but only ever at my house! It's a crap situation, but only for you, which is why I found it difficult to put a stop to as I wanted the DC to be somewhere safe and where they were happy (although the bastard kept the family home to be fair!)
To some up, your ex is a cunt. Take as firm a line as you can, I think it's only really done to keep tabs on you and your life. If he doesn't really want to spend that much time with the DC he'll need to make it look like your fault for the benefit of his new GF.

Littlef00t Mon 29-Dec-14 15:48:34

I think when researching for a friend, that after a certain period of moving out of a house you own, you have to give advanced notice for coming back again.

So I don't think it's unreasonable for you to change the locks while you sort divorce, he can't just swan in and out as he likes.

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 20:33:56

You're all right & all talking from the 'benefit' of experience I think (sadly).

From my POV I'd like to get everything properly agreed with solicitors but he views them as the enemy (probably because quite rightly they will laugh him out of the room on some of the utter crap he comes out with). He talks about how he'll walk away with nothing. I've told him time & again that I'll happily sign anything that is drawn up to protect us BOTH but he's never taken me up on the offer, surprisingly shock

The more I see this side of him the more I want to nod & smile until he gets the hell out of my house.

I fully expect his 50:50 idea won't come to anything, but tbh I'm not too bothered about that as it means I get more time with the DC anyway.

I'm rambling, but thanks everyone, you've made me trust my instincts again that I'm not wrong on this one

3mum Mon 29-Dec-14 20:56:22

You have had some very good advice here OP and his script is an awfully familiar one. Having been through this I'd say don't ever let him see the children at your place. Violation is absolutely the right word for it.

My exH also spent a lot of time telling me what I was thinking and saying to other people. It was terribly important to him that other people admire him and he could not bear to think that people we knew thought (and still think) he was a tosser. He knows, however, that I am incredibly honest, to the point of doing myself a disservice and I just said to him that all I ever told other people was the facts (true) and that they could form their own views based on this and that if he was so worried about what other people thought then he should not do things he was ashamed of. He never really had a reply for that one...

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 29-Dec-14 21:05:38

3 that sounds very familiar. I've also told H that I'll not try to turn people against him, but will also only be honest & that if he thinks his actions are ok then he's got nothing to worry about...he goes very quiet then!

AliceinWinterWonderland Tue 30-Dec-14 11:50:20

OP, I've done the "ex having the children in my home for contact visits" and it was dreadful. Basically an excuse for him to come into my home, invade my space, try to get into my head, be verbally (and physically) abusive to me and the dcs, and throw his weight around. I did that for nine long stressful months before I finally wised up and said "no more." Now that I've put my foot down, he rarely even bothers. He's seen the dcs once since August for 2 hours (supervised) plus a 2 minute phone call on Christmas Day.

He really had no interest in engaging with the dcs, he just wanted to come in and be controlling and bullying and assert his "place" in my residence.

newyear15 Tue 30-Dec-14 12:41:30

I agree with others totally about contact in your home. Btw my ex threatened 50/50 - apparently there isn't a judge in the land who will stop him seeing his children as it is his 'right as a father'. 3 years later am still waiting for him to bother to see them at all....

SolidGoldBrass Tue 30-Dec-14 12:44:23

ALways remember, when dealing with a prick like this, that you do not have to obey him or agree with him, and that his wishes and opinions are irrelevant. Greet every ludicrous demand/insult/insistence that he will not pay you a penny/assertion that he will get custody with a condescending smile and 'Well, we'll see' then walk away. Get legal advice and gather all the information without discussing any of your plans with him. You do not need his permission or co-operation to divorce him and set the CSA on him.

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 30-Dec-14 16:55:30

Thanks. I keep telling myself that I don't need his permission etc but at the moment I'm trying to appear compliant until he moves out. As soon as appear otherwise he starts saying he's not going anywhere, it's his home too etc. and unfortunately he's right. confused

I've had some really good legal advice up to now, from a fab solicitor, and I'll be contacting them again just as soon as he's out. I just don't want to/can't afford to burn hundreds of £££ until he's shown his hand.

I'm quite good at biding my time & letting him do that - he's so predictable it's quite reassuring!!

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