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I'm being shafted again aren't i?

(41 Posts)
Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 12:50:56

Bit of background, was with partner of 13 years up until 3 years ago,no Dcs, he left for OW hit me hard, ads, couldn't work for six months.

Tried OD earlier this year met a nice guy not exactly what I would look for in a man but I thought he was kind, fun and loyal. Been dating for seven months, I've taken it very slowly to the point that when he stayed for Xmas was the first time he had been to my home!

We've spent lots of time together gone on holidays supported each other, we have both agreed to be exclusive, he's 33 and I'm a little older at 36, he's quite immature in many ways, has lots of younger friends,was living at home until very recently, has been in the same low paid job for 8 years but I do love spending time with him.

I had a feeling recently that he might have been telling fibs, just a feeling that I had so while he was here at Xmas I checked his phone, and found some texts to a female friend of his where he had gone to London to a gig and out for a meal with her while he told me he was at a friends house locally, she had also gone round to his new flat and cooked him
A meal, he had told me a male friend had gone round for the evening.

They were also due to go out for a meal on Monday but she cancelled on him last minute, he told me nothing about it.

He knows how I feel about lying and because of what happened in the past I am a bit nervous about female friends although I would never stop him seeing them. I'm thinking perhaps he didn't want to tell
Me for that reason, or is he just another sodding scumbag?

How do I broach this? As He will know I've looked at his phone? Should I just keep an eye on things? Or dump now?

It's bought a lot of painful memories back I couldn't sleep at a last night and today I just have a knot in my stomach

magoria Mon 29-Dec-14 12:53:47

There is no problem with him spending time with female friends however he is a liar.

There is no reason for his lying to you apart from he wanted to.

Thank your lucky stars you have found after a fairly short time and just dump.

Lweji Mon 29-Dec-14 12:54:41

I do love spending time with people I wouldn't be in a long term relationship with.
It think he will be ok if you just want some fun, but do you think he could be the father to your children?
Then worry about female friends.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 29-Dec-14 12:57:03

Sounds like he's been cheating... I'm sorry. Confront him.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:01:09

Does it really look like cheating you to guys or am overreacting? I just don't understand why he didn't tell me

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:02:55

Lweji, yes that's a good point I suppose it's been a transitional type relationship although I do care for him and certainly wouldn't cheat on him!

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:03:58

How can I comfort him without him knowing I looked at his phone?hmm

Lweji Mon 29-Dec-14 13:04:49

It sounds like it reached its end if you can't see it moving on and you don't trust him. You don't need to know if he is cheating or not.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:05:48

It's really really upset me finding those texts it took me back to when I found out about my ex and the OW sad

WitchOfEndor Mon 29-Dec-14 13:07:12

He has lied to you about meeting up with another woman. Even if they are just really good friends, do you want to be with someone who is happy to lie to you more than once?

NewName2015 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:08:17

I don't think it sounds like cheating - but none of us can really know. The main thing I get the impression of is that you aren't really all that into him - he sounds like Mr Will Do For Now. So if you've found that he's lying to you I'd say it's probably time to call it a day.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:09:35

No witch, but I'm thinking this is a sign of immaturity rather than malice? Perhaps he was worried to tell me as he thought I wouldn't be happy with it?

WitchOfEndor Mon 29-Dec-14 13:10:08

And if my DH had been cheated on by his ex, and I wanted to meet up with male friends I would at least introduce them and make sure he understood that we were just friends. I wouldn't tell him I was meeting a female friend and have the male friend come round to cook me dinner

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:11:48

That's true new, I like him as someone to spend time with, have a physical relationship with, but I can't see myself getting married to him, however it still hurts that he would lie to me, I thought he respected me at least

WitchOfEndor Mon 29-Dec-14 13:14:50

Don't want to sound harsh oncebitten but if he knows how you feel about lying and does it anyway then he isn't kind or loyal. And if he isn't really what you look for in a man then what is in this for you?

Lweji Mon 29-Dec-14 13:15:37

It could be a number of things, but that is why I wouldn't concentrate so much on the possible cheating but on the relationship as a whole.

I had to finish a nice relationship too after almost a year because in all honesty I couldn't see it as moving on. There were a number of little things going but I didn't even discuss them with him. I didn't think it was worth it.

You can just tell him it's not working out for you and that's it.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:16:12

This was my first realtionship since the ex and I've taken ever
Possible steps not to get fucked over again, I've kept my guard up
but I do really like him, you would never think he would be the type to lie

SugarOnTop Mon 29-Dec-14 13:17:59

tell him your sixth sense/gut/instinct is telling you that he is not being truthful about something and is there anything he'd like to tell you? hopefully he'll own up. if he doesn't then ask to check his phone. if he refuses that too then get rid of him.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:18:34

I know witch I've made it so clear that I do not want another liar, I just feel so let down again , he knew how hurt I was by my ex and he is is lying

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:22:24

Sugar, after I saw the texts I took photos with my phone, I did exactly that, I asked him whether he was keeping anything from me and that I
Didn't want any lies. He swore to me there was nothing and that he would never do anything to hurt me, yet he was planning to meet up with her for dinner on Monday.

He has also given her a couple of lifts to a sporting event they both compete in, he also never mentioned this to me

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:24:19

I just feel so hurt and let down again, why would he lie like this to me for someone he sees once in a blue moon?

FelicityGubbins Mon 29-Dec-14 13:28:54

If it were me I would directly ask about her and their meet ups, better to get it all out in the open,know the truth and go from there than deal with a mind fuck.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:35:25

My gut feeling is there is nothing going on, from her side they are simply friends but the lying makes me think that he thinks he might be in with a chance and that's why he hasn't mentioned it to me? Even that is horrible, I can't think of any other reason not to tell me other than he thought I might tell him not to see her.

Oncebitten12 Mon 29-Dec-14 13:37:29

I waited so long as this is what I get for getting back in the saddle, are there any decent loyal truthful men out there anymore? Real men with dignity and respect sad

dirtybadger Mon 29-Dec-14 13:42:56

I don't like any of the possible explanations;

1. Cheating
2. Playing the long game, not cheating, but hoping to (or maybe he wouldn't cheat and would break things off and then start seeing her?)
3. Just a friend, but assumes you won't be able to handle that

Number 3 is obviously the nicest thing to consider and it makes sense....but is still a pretty shit reflection of his maturity and/or what he thinks about you and man-women friendships. Would it occur to you to lie about something like that? It wouldn't occur to me. Dodgy.

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