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Anyone else sad about poor sibling relations?

(23 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Mon 29-Dec-14 10:06:57

Dsis came down for Christmas. Still very cold and distant.

Background : hasn't really spoken to me since I had a breakdown aged 21. Now I'm 36. She is a psychiatrist and our late mum was bi polar so not sure breakdown is only reason.

I am sad as there is no warmth there. I thought us both having kids would be a leveller. No.

I no longer call her and she dosnt call me. My dad sometimes tells me that she is proud of me etc but she won't tell me to her face. Wierd.

We were playing a board game with my dd 6 and I joked that I was getting competitive. She told me off for being competitive with a 6 year old! I give up!

MistressChalk Mon 29-Dec-14 10:21:32

I feel your pain sad I've had a Christmas bust up with my brother after making positive steps to build a good relationship. I've run away from home (to DPs to lie in bed and eat crap) but it hurts a lot. Almost like a break up. I guess some siblings will just never get on but she sounds a bit OTT if she's ignoring you completely, yet you have no idea why. Why don't you ask her outright what her problem is?

RandomNPC Mon 29-Dec-14 10:33:20

It's sad. I don't get on with my brother at all. I see people with great relationships with their siblings and I feel really envious.

schmeegle Mon 29-Dec-14 11:04:23

I had a massive post written there and i just lost it angry

I could have written your post. DSis, also a psychiatrist, was incredibly harsh on me during two episodes of pregnancy related mental illness.

She has never treated me the same since.

I'm not sure if she was in denial or just plain ashamed of me but it just added to the stigma of having a mental health illness.

It took a while but I finally decided I couldn't affect her opinion of me and I didn't need her to validate me.

I suggest you do the same. flowers

We are civil now but not close and probably won't be again and to be frank, that's ok with me.

I hope this helps!

MistressChalk Mon 29-Dec-14 11:15:56

I heavily suspect that part of the reason my brother won't get on with me is because of my mental illness. I think it shows just how ignorant people truly are when faced with a family member that's affected, in any case, they are the pathetic ones who still have an ancient stigma against mental health issues. That's their problem, NOT yours.

schmeegle Mon 29-Dec-14 11:29:11

I agree MistressChalk. It's sad, no doubt, but it's probably more common that we think. It would be normal to expect support from family during illness but with mental illness it may not be as forth coming. I'm no expert but I'd imagine there are lots of convoluted reasons behind it!

In my experience, it's futile to dwell on it.

We are each our own person. It's not fair on ourselves to gauge our value based on how other people treat us.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 29-Dec-14 12:09:51

You would have thought that a psychiatrist would be a bit more understanding though don't you think?

Then again , I don't know about you Scmeegie but my sis dosnt really seem to like her patients either.

Tbh , I don't feel like I want to be close to her if that's her attitude but it's sad . I also find the dynamic of her being a psychiatrist very hard.

The family take her seriously as she's the doctor and I'm seen as the patient who everyone humours and/ or gives medical advice to.
But then again she was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.

MistressChalk Mon 29-Dec-14 12:57:29

Unfortunately I have had a few shitty doctors and psychiatrists in my time, especially when trying to get a bloody diagnosis! I even studied psychology after being diagnosed and my teacher (who had been a psychiatrist) was utterly useless and I had to correct her in some things. Sometimes people just aren't nice, I'm not saying she's a bad person but maybe she's just not a nice person? And that's a hard thing to accept because you love her regardless.

Meerka Mon 29-Dec-14 13:01:41

I would have thought a psychiatrist be more understanding yeah. Im sure some people go into psychiatry becuase actually, they need help themselves. The training is supposed to screen that out but it doesn't.

Have a bad relationship with one half sister (am fine with other) - she took against me and went a looooong way out of her way to pick a quarrel. Quite surprising how much effort she put into it :/ Im certain it has to do with her relationship with her dead mother as I am closer to her mother in age than to her.

Mrsjayy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:07:52

My dh and his brother don't speak they never got on and it escalated after their mum died I think it is a shame they are the only blood family left, I don't know what was said to cause the huge fall out but we were supposed to meet up a few Christmas es ago bil said something about fitting us in, dh phoned him from another room I asked what theplans were dh said fuck them shock and that was that. Dds have younger cousins they ddon't know

schmeegle Mon 29-Dec-14 15:26:30

That's the killing bit MistressChalk - she's actually a lovely caring conscientious doctor to her patients. Everyone raves about her wonderful, compassionate bedside manner etc.

I think with dealing with me, it was all a bit too close to home for comfort.

Anyway what can you do only love them regardless!

schmeegle Mon 29-Dec-14 15:27:41

Mrsjayy - that's very sad about having cousins and not knowing them sad

superstarheartbreaker Mon 29-Dec-14 16:34:28

It is sad as my mum and her sister were close and so were the cousins .

FushandChups Mon 29-Dec-14 17:34:15

I miss my brother sad We don't really talk anymore after a bust up about 4 yrs ago with DD and an aggressive dog - apparently it was my fault! We tried to make it up after I extended the same live branch only to have it thrown back at me earlier this year...

My DC don't know him other than his name - DS was 3 yesterday but not even a text..

It hurt almost more than any romantic break up the first time - caused me months of sleepless nights and butterflies. When it all blew up again, I actually felt relief...

I still miss him though sad

FushandChups Mon 29-Dec-14 17:35:14

And that was extending an olive branch. .. blooming phone

Mrsjayy Mon 29-Dec-14 19:14:30

Yes it is sad me and sil tried to keep it up but I think both brothers hated so much it was false iyswim it probably better they don't speak tbh, I only have 1 sibling id hate to fall out with them

fredfredsausagehead1 Mon 29-Dec-14 19:25:43

It is so so painful not having good sibling relationships as an adult as you still have many many years of memories and Shared experiences, deep rooted bonds that can't be broken! These are even more powerful sometimes than relationships with your parents!

I find my sibling relationships extremely difficult but have managed to create a civil and polite relationship with them. I suspect this is even more difficult for you as you have suffered so badly with your MH.

Try and move on and rise above it and create and fake self esteem when around your sister and parents as it seems they're trying to undermine you or that's how you feel xxx

ilovechristmas1 Mon 29-Dec-14 19:36:52

mum and me are not close, she is very cold and emotionally stunted,she was a nurse

im always suprised that so many of the caring proffessions are like this

superstarheartbreaker Mon 29-Dec-14 21:10:43

Civil and polite sums it up with the occasional cross word thrown in from both sides. She thinks I'm weird and annoying and I think she's very snooty.

fredfredsausagehead1 Mon 29-Dec-14 21:23:40

I'm dreading the impending visit from my sister now!!!!

ddubsgirl77 Mon 29-Dec-14 21:29:21

I have 2 brothers 1 cut us off 5 yrs ago still dont know why! Other brother never had a closeness too as he's 21yrs older than me

FushandChups Mon 29-Dec-14 22:23:42

Don't dread it, Fred - although can totally see why you are... If it makes you feel this bad, perhaps reassess how often you see her. It is horrible to cut contact and I'm not saying that's what you should do - but you don't have to have her in your space,making you feel rubbish even if it is that time of year sad

Hope it goes ok wine

porthtowanone Sun 04-Jan-15 13:40:04

I too do not have a relationship with my sister despite several attempts to make peace ,she has mh issues which seems to make communication impossible ,I now have realised that I cant do anymore ,but its very sad

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