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How to handle EA ex dp (child and house together)

(43 Posts)
MistletoeBUTNOwine Mon 29-Dec-14 09:33:06

Have posted previously when still on relationship and don't have time to write down full story right now, just after some advice please?

He was made to leave the house in November (solicitors letter). Since then he's been texting and calling A LOT. We have a dc together and my DS from a prev relationship and he's using seeing them as a way to be here/ keep contacting me hmm
He keeps saying how much he loves me, he's so sorry for being a twat, won't drink 'heavily' any more, promising holidays etc etc. even that we should get married and have another child.
He thinks that because he's no longer an abusivr drunk, everything is fine and I should forgive him and move on.
But the thing is I DID love him dearly. But since being on my own my feelings have changed and now he mainly just irritates the hell out of me. Every now and again I feel fondness for him (and I still fancy him blush).
He knows I'll struggle to pay the mortgage and bills alone in our (50/50) house and I can't buy him out...
I don't want things to turn nasty, want him to have a good relationship with DS. He's meant to look after him when I go back to work in 2 weeks for 2 days a week...

How can I find him off without him getting the hump and making things difficult with the house and baby???
I'm waiting for a mediation session, should be in January this year..
Oh, and he asked me to stop the child maintenance claim I had started because they were hassling him at work and it was 'embarrassing'. I stupidly agreed hmm

SunnyBaudelaire Mon 29-Dec-14 09:35:25

you are doing great but need to toughen up!
Push for maintanance and do not let him in the house.
If you fancy him a bit do not give in !!

Twinklebells Mon 29-Dec-14 09:38:38

Of course you should go for maintenance, and contact with the baby should not be in your home btw. And the only contact he needs with you is regarding the child, anything else is harassment.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Mon 29-Dec-14 09:41:55

Thank you sunny.
I'm going to a private counsellor to try and build up my self esteem again.
I still care about the man, but he seems to either want us all as a happy family, or he's nasty and difficult hmm

SunnyBaudelaire Mon 29-Dec-14 09:44:15

have you thought about arranging some other childcare if that is possible?

MistletoeBUTNOwine Mon 29-Dec-14 09:45:11

I've tried that Twinkle, took DS to a soft play and left him with him but he weedles his way back in. Bought my dd a MacBook for Christmas!
And playing happy families

Starlightbright1 Mon 29-Dec-14 09:53:16

Thing learned with my ex was as much as I wanted a reasonable relationship that was not his intention so it never worked.

I think you have to stop trying to pascify him..When he says the move ons tuff , just be clear it isn't going to happen. I made it clear to my Ex I had no intentions of trying again.

The maintenance is simply an indicator he is still playing you. Restart your claim...They don't backdate from when you you were entitled simply from when they made the claim. The reason it got into work is because he wasn't paying ..His issue not yours.

Is there a reason contact is at your house. If it needs to be there for now then make yourself busy, batch cook meals, spend time with your other child, grab a bath, but lock the door.

Twinklebells Mon 29-Dec-14 11:08:48

Have you considered the Freedom Programme.

You really do need firm boundaries. And stopping him setting foot over the threshold is the most important thing here I feel. Plus restarting the maintenance claim.

I completely agree he is a bully - you need to learn the importance of no. Not sorry or making excuses - just no.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Mon 29-Dec-14 15:13:40

I told him today that I don't want him to contact me except regarding contact and mediation regarding the house. Got this reply-

"We spoke and chatted about all of this MistletoeBUTNOwine We wanted the best for our kids .. You are confused not me. I'm trying my best for the sake of our family. The world is ours - why can't you see that.
If that's what you want for now. I will speak to my solicitor on Monday the 5th.. After this date there will be very little room for anything else.
We could have been a perfect family".

Twinklebells Mon 29-Dec-14 15:15:33

oh just ignore him - what a bulying tosser. How dare he.

Twinklebells Mon 29-Dec-14 15:15:56


Nomama Mon 29-Dec-14 15:19:30

Oh someone hand Mistletoe the tiny violin! Play him a sad song...

He is a real prat, isn't he? I wonder how he thinks that piece of pity me prose* will do anything other than make you laugh your socks off?

If he texted that crap, keep it, it may come in useful later.

*Passive aggressive pity me prose

tipsytrifle Mon 29-Dec-14 18:35:58

That's a very passive-aggressive threatening text. Keep it for future use. I think you can expect an upping of the awkwardness factor now BUT you've done absolutely the right thing. Resist resist resist. And yes, re-start that claim too!

MistletoeBUTNOwine Wed 31-Dec-14 18:14:57

Now he wants 50/50 custody of our son hmm
And won't discuss maintenance with me until he's spoken to his barrister.
He's suggested buying me out of this house.
He even mentioned taking DS to Australia in April to his brothers wedding (please tell me no court will allow that! He's only 11m!) and I can't afford to go along too sad

newyear15 Wed 31-Dec-14 18:37:45

Have you started a claim with the CMS yet? Barrister means nothing to do with maintenance. And does your son have a passport - if not apply for one now and don't let him have it.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Wed 31-Dec-14 19:31:02

I'll start the claim on Friday, was waiting to see if he'd be reAsonble hmm
I have baby's passport hidden at my mums.
What a shit.

Phoenixfrights Wed 31-Dec-14 20:14:02

Oh that's classic , saying he wants shared custody. Pffft. He knows he's beat, and thinks joint custody will force you into seeing him regularly. No court in their rightmind would order shared custody where there is a history of abuse. Do you have any evidence of the abuse?

What a prize git understatement And VERY well done for getting out. Stay strong.

Phoenixfrights Wed 31-Dec-14 20:15:58

And um, if he cannot pay maintenance how exactly will he buy out your house share?? Complete hot air on his part.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Wed 31-Dec-14 20:19:51

He has plenty of income, £40k when only working 3 days a week, been doing extra for £60 per hour recently. When I said he should give me £500pcm (based on basic salary) he seemed to think that was far too much hmm and he said he won't do the extras any more.
He's just had the nerve to send me a happy new year text! I'd love to shove his iPhone 6 up his arse!

MistletoeBUTNOwine Wed 31-Dec-14 20:22:15

Evidence wise I have one call to police when he was drunk and abusivr. They told him off and let him sleep in the garden shed hmm
I've lots of other stuff written down with dates etc.
Do you think I'm unreasonable wanting him to look after DS when I go back to work? Would that look bad for me?

tipsytrifle Thu 01-Jan-15 15:38:29

As far as I know barristers are the 500 quid a second ones who deal with court appearance. Normal lawyers do the rest prior. So I think he's flaunting himself a bit there. BUT make no bones about it, he is your enemy at this point really. I know that sounds extreme but there is no point, in my view, regarding him as anyone safe or reasonable. He will be out for himself financially (and, of course, on a mission to hurt you) and is not be trusted in any way at all.

There isn't custody as far as I know, these days. There's residency and access (may have different names). The child has a right to a relationship with both parents of course but travelling to Oz at 11m may not quite fit into that. Way too young to be away from you. I seriously can't see him coping either but no, I really can't see any court agreeing to that!

Can't help but chuckle at him sleeping in the shed smile

MistletoeBUTNOwine Fri 02-Jan-15 08:23:16

He came to take Dd and DS out for tea yesterday but DS didn't want to go and DS is poorly, so he looked after DS while I had a bath and then played Xbox with dd.

We spoke, and I was very firm about not being together any more, I don't feel the same about him any more.
He's adamant we can be a good family. I've said no, but we can be good parents, just not as a couple.
He texted in the night to see how DS is, then sent a link to a Disney holiday he wants to take us all on hmm
I replied thanks, but not appropriate right now, maybe in a year or whatever if we can be friends.

cestlavielife Fri 02-Jan-15 10:05:27

he needs to not be in the house.
where is he staying? he can take dc there. one only if other is not well.

so long as he in and out your house and playing with dc at your house the boundaries are blurred. you saying we not together yet here he is in your house while you naked and having a bath... ask yourself, would you do this while a profressional child carer/baby sitter was in the house?

everything he promises/threatens/says - ignore ignore ignore - until it is actually written down and agreed in a parenting agreement.

tipsytrifle Fri 02-Jan-15 12:05:30

Please remember he has said he will be seeing a solicitor on Monday. Don't believe this illusionary world of happy families that he is creating, with your help while ever you're still sharing your space with him. What cestlavielife said is accurate.

Please allow for the possibility that he is buying Nice Time whilst arranging a deadly legal army to utterly wipe the floor with you while you are unprepared. I speak from experience.

Windywinston Fri 02-Jan-15 13:22:58

Wow, his messages put all the fault of the breakdown of your relationship onto you. He's offering you the world, but if this were genuinely what he wanted to do he'd have done it by now. Don't fall for it.

Process your maintenance claim, it was only embarrassing for him as he clearly wasn't co-operating. Get legal advice, this is one area of your life in which you do not want to be starting off on the back foot.

If you have a police incident on record this puts you in a good position to argue for supervised access/no overnights at least until your baby is a little older.

I'm not sure where you stand re Australia, but I wouldn't want to take a small child on a flight to Aus on my own, and I'm sure in reality neither does your ex.

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