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same ding dong

(8 Posts)
hitalownote Mon 29-Dec-14 01:23:54

I just need to vent. I don't expect anyone to reply as it's the same ding dong. If I write and post it into the www it's a step closer to braving the inevitable. It's hard when deep down you want a relationship to work but know you can't do a good job with crap tools!

Dp and i don't live together. 1and half hr drive away.my dd has school here and he has work which cannot be changed. for a few years this was workable. part of me fears a full-live in relationship as i'm afraid of upsetting dd and me and it going up in smoke. I suppose i'm inside a little cynical. dd father didn't help.
so my dp has had disfunctional relationships. Partly the ow fault and partly his, altough not sure he'd fully see his part in it. slightly woe is me. I blame his mother for this. far too mammied.
dp is ridiculously private. but i accepted this as part of who he is. It has worked for while but increasingly frustrating as it leads to insecurities on my side as to a)what's he up to and b) why is he fearful of introducing me to family. they suspect but not sure. He has told me that he introduced a partner previously and week later she dumped him, he was mocked by friends and this in turn hasn't made him very open since. I accept that and our relationship is for us. why should it matter who thinks what. but it does upset me at times.
I don't usually need emotional support as i am independant and try to just geton with things. but do obviously have down days and dp isn't great at picking up on this. we have talked about it. I on the other hand will notice ifhe needs help and will 100% give it.I have helped him recently alot and altough he offers his actions don't always follow. therefore i don't get hopes up. this i hate and does bother me.
i have a job i need doing in the house that is causing me worry. it would cost me alot to get an expert in. dp could easily with his skills do this. he offered and i was thrilled. however work got in the way and it didn't happen. so now the holidays.he has time off. he promised he'd be over to do it had great plans to make things up to me for all the help i gave by going away for a nite. (note no xmas pressie yet either) but if this job was done i would have accepted it as an xmas pressie. dp went out yesterday to do an outdoor job he didn't expect to do and now is v under the weather. i can hear it in him. However he cannot now come to do the job. he has told me it could be days before he can. unfortunately i can't wait that long and have to get this job done asap. i have put it off reluctantly waiting on him. I'm so dissapointed. not only was i hoping to see him but also that he would be helping me out. He has toldme there is nothing he can do as he is sick. but it has made me realise that even when sick or tired or fed up, i'd always be there for him. i would never let him down. I hear myself being v unreasonable. the man is sick. but i just realised that i can't have expectations as they inevitably fail to materialise 60% of the time. this isn't the first or second time similar has happened. What's the percentage for when to just give up.

Wonc Mon 29-Dec-14 04:01:54

I'm sorry sad. He sounds unreliable and selfish.
No Christmas present? No help when you need it? No introduction to friends or family?
Do you get anything from this relationship?

DropYourSword Mon 29-Dec-14 04:14:29

Sorry there are no easy solutions we can give you, but I hope it helps to just let things out.

Isetan Mon 29-Dec-14 05:45:55

Beware the woe is me type, they will always have an excuse or someone to blame.

Use your current frustration to ask yourself why you have let this man dictate the terms of your relationship. I understand not wanting to be vulnerable after being hurt but this man appears to be using this as cover to deliberately have you where he wants you. This may be all that he's comfortable with but it's obviously not what you want, can you really see a future in a relationship where you are always kept at arms length?

Isetan Mon 29-Dec-14 05:53:07

His needs are being met and yours aren't, incompatibility is nobody's fault.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 29-Dec-14 08:33:15

There isn't a percentage - but when you have to put words online just to ensure that something happens - perhaps it is time to call it a day. Doesn't seem a right lot of laughs in that relationship.

tipsytrifle Mon 29-Dec-14 08:44:37

hitalownote - I felt indescribably sad reading your first post. This man sounds absolutely no good for you at all. His negativity seems like its draining the very soul out of you. You, unfortunately, sound like something of a rescuer. This makes for a strange and unhealthy dependency on each other.

This situation, put crudely, suggests that while you are the giver he is very much the taker. There is no balance or exchange of energy other than this. It's a one-way ticket to misery, dear heart.

I think this situation has the potential to get darker and darker. Not sure how, just a feeling.

It really REALLY isn't your purpose in life to rescue him, especially when he basically throws it back in your face. Making you the martyr. This is actually, controlling from below so to speak. Such apparent powerlessness to take life head on, that always results in you going without at every level, is rather manipulative. Not nearly as innocent as you might prefer to think. It makes for a hell of a cage, for you.

bumpthedoor Mon 29-Dec-14 09:14:05

Alarm bells ringing here. You have been together for several years but the only things you know about him are what he's told you.
Did he spend Christmas with you?
It sounds as though you are starting to get a bit suspicious, anyone can sound ill on the phone, but you know that.

Afraid I agree with tipsy, this could get darker.

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