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DM is the most difficult person I have ever met. StepDad is the second.

(5 Posts)
Marmaladybird Sun 28-Dec-14 19:46:37

They really don't like each other and inflict their shitty relationship on the whole family. They probably are in a state of 'not speaking' for 48 weeks of the year.

This has gone on for almost 20 years, getting progressively worse. Every Christmas me or my DSis invite them and they accept. Then right up until Christmas day, we don't know if they'll show and when you mention this to DM she says 'Well what do you think it's like for me?' and then come tears and tantrums. This is every occasion, be it weddings, Easter, parties, bbqs, NYE, NYD, Christmas...you get the picture. She denies this wholeheartedly and says it's only happened twice, ever. That is a blatant lie.

Anyway, this year they went to my DSis (after the theatrics of 'are they or aren't they'). The two weeks before, my DM had sucked about 20 hours of my life away in visits/phonecalls telling me all about Stepdads shittiness and how he left her on the floor in pain and blood when she fell...This is also after accusing him of kicking her in bed (she says she knows he was awake pretty much because she 'just knows'.) On the 27th, they walk in to my house like nothing has happened. We didn't jump up and treat them like royalty had walked in because we were very shocked and were watching a film with DS. They said they weren't staying but had pretty much just turned up to let my 7YO DS know that they were taking him to the shop to buy him a gun. They said this to him. Because my DM had promised him a replica AK47 for Christmas. Fucking morons.

I am to blame for this - after many attempts to tell them I do not want my son playing with guns (as he is OTT with them), they buy them anyway. I have spoken to both of them together and individually and expressed many times that he is not to play with them. They buy them behind my back and I'm sick of being the bad guy, so I've let it slide a little bit. But an AK47 replica? Seriously? Then my stepdad brings this gun up on Amazon and says 'Can you get him that and I'll give you the money?' DS is witness to all this and knows it's a sore point and starts getting cocky with me, so I said 'No, that's it, don't ask again'. He runs upstairs crying and shuts himself in his room. I ask what they were thinking and DM gets huffy and says she doesn't buy him guns (she does) and shes sick of getting the blame.

They get ready to go, Stepdad takes his present, DM refuses to and doesn't say goodbye to me. Within 5 minutes of them leaving, we've sorted out problem with DS and come to a one in/one out policy on any guns and agreed that if he wants a new NERF type gun, he speaks to us.

That's just to give a bit of back story. The problem really is that even though they don't speak and appear to severely dislike each other, my DM will go out of her way to make my DS idolise my stepdad. She beefs him up on one hand and then destroys his character with the other...When they aren't speaking, my DS can go for 4 months or so without any contact with Stepdad after my DM has tried so hard to force a bond. It's fucking cruel. I don't know how to act. Do I welcome him with open arms or should I be ignoring him/calling him on the shitty behaviour that I only have DMs word for? It's so confusing - sorry, but this really is what it's like. They hide money from each other, call each other foul names and have no apparent feelings or care for each other. That's their business but they are inflicting it on the whole family.

I know it's a long shot, but apart from 'no contact', what can I do? My mum needs anger management and my Stepdad was abused as a child (and now my mum says that she was too, just to try and trump him - she wasn't, she was spoilt rotten and used to drive my nan to the end of her tether. They had terrible rows in front of me and DSis growing up (DM and DNan) and we heard a lot of things we shouldn't have. I'm a very anxious person as a result, I cannot bear raised voices, I go red when I speak in normal conversation, I shake at conflict of any kind...It's all just awful.

RandomNPC Sun 28-Dec-14 19:50:22

Bloody hell, it sounds awful! I'd be tempted to go NC just for my own sanity.

inlectorecumbit Sun 28-Dec-14 19:56:59

^ yep

rumbleinthrjungle Sun 28-Dec-14 20:04:12

Horrible for you. If it was me, I'd be quietly keeping ds right away as much as possible and limiting/managing contact so he can't be used and manipulated as a prop in their drama games.

Marmaladybird Sun 28-Dec-14 20:19:15

For the first time this week, I've said he can't stay at their house. I usually give in because DS loves staying there, but I've said no and I've given my reasons. I think they argue/cause an atmosphere and I don't want him exposed to that anymore than he has to be (he has my anxious tendencies too). He's staying in my DSis for the night and he's happy as Larry. I'm so fed up with it all, it's stressful and grim.

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