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How much notice would you take of a fb comment?

(43 Posts)
singingbasket Sun 28-Dec-14 18:56:56

I have recently started seeing a new bloke and so far things seem to be going ok. I have a few trust issues relating to a past relationship but nb (new bloke) is always where he says he is etc so no worries as of yet.

He told me the name of his exdp this weekend as he was talking about their children they have together. I have now looked her up on fb (I know, I know) and it all seemed to add up until I read some of the comments on her page.

One of them is from him commenting on a photo of her where other people have said she looks nice etc, he said something along the lines of 'don't trust her she's everyones'. She replied to tell him where to go calling him a woman beating rapist!!

I am now sitting here feeling a bit sick and wondering if I have got him completely wrong? They were together from a young age, late teens and had a child young as well so I thought back to the dp's I had at that age and they were far from perfect and one could also be accused of being a woman beater although I am under the impression he has changed a lot since. I am not trying to excuse either man's behaviour but trying to relate it to my own experience where I know I wasn't blameless.

Basically I have no one in rl to ask their opinion on nb as I haven't introduced him to any of my friends yet and he hasn't been to my house as I am in a different village to him. Should I ask him about it or cut off all contact? I really don't know what to do.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 28-Dec-14 19:03:55

How would you ask him about it? You would have to say you were checking out his ex on FB and then the trust is gone.

Why are they FB friends if there is that much animosity?

Why would they make those comments public?

Maybe they have a strange friendly 'banter' kind of relationship.

I hate FB angry

Vivacia Sun 28-Dec-14 19:03:58

I would not interpret that as a genuine accusation that he's either violent or a rapist.

However, I would not be comfortable with his original comment and am not keen on that kind of "joking", so it'd make me have second thoughts.

Your comment about being in a different village, do you mind me asking how old you are?

Drumdrum60 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:04:35

Oh dear. Still not over her and being abusive. Red flag.

VitalStollenFix Sun 28-Dec-14 19:05:02

I think that what he said was really disrespectful. Who the hell does he think he is to make such kind of comment to/about her? That would put me right off. That's the mother of his children for crying out loud. How dare he make such a horrible comment?

As to her response, well, that would make me wonder. You'd expect some fairly heated words in response to such a horrible misogynistic comment - but for her to choose that specifically - I'd be wondering if there was some truth in it and I'd be wondering how he treated her during their relationship.

He's just shown you that he views her with contempt, you have to wonder what else he is. Whether he's ever laid a hand on her. You have to at least wonder.

Floggingmolly Sun 28-Dec-14 19:07:32

It's his comment to her I'd be more concerned with hmm. Woman beating rapist or not; that was unnecessary.

rumred Sun 28-Dec-14 19:10:54

You can use clares law and ask police if he has a history of known violence. Doesn't however tell you unreported abuse. I'd keep your eyes peeled and take it easy at the very least

WhyTheFace Sun 28-Dec-14 19:14:16

Don't trust her she's everyone's?

That would be enough for me. A) horribly misogyny, B) not over her/the break up, C) TERRIBLE SPELLING/GRAMMAR.

singingbasket Sun 28-Dec-14 19:18:45

The comment was made a year ago shortly after they had separated. From what he has told me she had a difficult upbringing and struggled after the birth of their eldest and spent a lot of time drinking and going out.

Wrt my age I'm in my 30's and he is slightly younger.

ProcrastinaRemNunc Sun 28-Dec-14 19:26:53

His cutting interjection at the sight of people complimenting her, definitely indicates something negative. An attempt to control others view of her and to humiliate her. Vile.

His interjection was particularly rude, potentially misogynistic and definitely a controlling manoeuvre.

Her response is also definitely cause for concern. Clare's law is not necessarily reliable because as rumred says, it won't include unreported abuse.

I have met a number of women who sadly don't feel able to report intermarital rape or abuse of any kind.

ProcrastinaRemNunc Sun 28-Dec-14 19:26:57

His cutting interjection at the sight of people complimenting her, definitely indicates something negative. An attempt to control others view of her and to humiliate her. Vile.

His interjection was particularly rude, potentially misogynistic and definitely a controlling manoeuvre.

Her response is also definitely cause for concern. Clare's law is not necessarily reliable because as rumred says, it won't include unreported abuse.

I have met a number of women who sadly don't feel able to report intermarital rape or abuse of any kind.

ProcrastinaRemNunc Sun 28-Dec-14 19:29:39

* am not trying to excuse either man's behaviour but trying to relate it to my own experience where I know I wasn't blameless*

Women who are raped and otherwise abused are never to blame!

TheyThinkImCool Sun 28-Dec-14 19:29:40

I don't understand why the comment is still there and she didn't delete it, surely she wouldn't want it to be left there for the whole of her friends list to see.

WhyTheFace Sun 28-Dec-14 19:36:23

why should she delete. I think it probably showed him up for what he is.

overslept Sun 28-Dec-14 19:38:34

What TheyThinkImCool said. Can't see why that would be left there for everybody to see. Either way I would be backing well away from this man. People do say things when they are angry, but that seems a lot more than just post breakup insult slinging.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 28-Dec-14 19:38:47

Think it comes down to this, if it's a new relationship, can you be doing with the doubts so early on. Not condemning your snooping but it doesn't bode well for a long lasting, happy relationship either.

TheyThinkImCool Sun 28-Dec-14 19:39:55

Well we don't know if he wrote the comment to be malicious or it is actually true, if it was him being malicious then you are right.

sandysbrain Sun 28-Dec-14 19:41:41

Make a screengrab of the comment.

Print it out.

Show it to him when you dump him, ideally tomorrow.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 28-Dec-14 19:42:57

Eh, You think he just wrote that because 'it's true'

I thought it was weirdy 'banter' until I saw her reply. This doesn't sound good. He wanted to humiliate the mother of his kids. Not nice.

WhyTheFace Sun 28-Dec-14 19:43:58

How can it be true? its literally impossible for her to be everyone's.

Even if she'd fucked the entire Welsh rugby team (ahem) then he STILL shouldn't be blasting his shite all over a picture she put up on FB. It's not only classless and undignified but it's also pathetic and...yeah, pathetic.

singingbasket Sun 28-Dec-14 19:52:14

It is pathetic and childish I agree. I read it as him still being upset that they had split so was trying to hurt her and she retaliated in that way. He commented afterwards by saying 'I feel sorry for you' (apologies if that's a drip feed it wasn't intended to be).

I don't know how I would be able to bring it up with him without him excusing it.

Vivacia Sun 28-Dec-14 19:54:43

'I feel sorry for you' (apologies if that's a drip feed it wasn't intended to be).

Well, it's not making him look any better, is it?

TheyThinkImCool Sun 28-Dec-14 19:55:39

JohnFarleys/WhyTheFace Not nice at all, I know it's impossible for her to be everyone's, but sometimes everyone's doesn't actually mean everyone's, what he has wrote is horrible and pathetic.

Singlebasket I would ask him about it! and if he asks why you were looking at her page be honest and say you were curious.

CalleighDoodle Sun 28-Dec-14 20:01:24

I put a photo on fb, when i had it, of me and my two besties having a meal. One had given birth maybe 3 months earlier if that. Anyway, her ex husband (divorced for AT LEAST 8 years) commented about how fat she was a clearly still a slag or some similar wording. It seems I had the photo set as friends of friends and he was on the other friend's friends list (iykwim!). She is too nice to delete nobs. Anyway, he was abusive. Physically and mentally. She hasnt seen him in 8 years. He lives across the country.

Dont ignore this comment. The main thing is it makes you uncomfortable. This early in a relationship it is easy to cut and run.

I was briefly seeing man over summer. He made a comment one day about id made him feel something (i cant remember exact phrase) and i said whoah thats what abusers say. Red flag i ignored.he then started dumping me and then saying he dodnt mean it a few hours later. Controlling. Red flag. Again like a douche o ignored this three times. The fourth time i cut him out of my life and he went from abusive rants to apologetic begging on my answer phone for a few weeks back and forth abusive to apologetic. Conformation of red flags. This was over a 5 month period.

Turns out he has a criminal record for domestic violence.

Dont ignore your gut.

WhyTheFace Sun 28-Dec-14 20:05:53

Yeah and "I feel sorry for you" is also pretty fucking awful.

Look, the way someone handles break ups is a HUGE indicator of the sort of person they are IMO. I've had many break ups - I've never blarted my personal life all over social media, I've never screamed at someone in the street, I've never harassed anyone after a break up. I just fuck off and lick my wounds and then get on with my life.

Isn't that the norm?

When you've broken up with people OP, How would you expect your other half to behave, how would you behave, how would you like them to behave?

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