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Can a relationship truly survive this? Pregnant and family in-law are all bullies :-(

(15 Posts)
Roseylee20 Sun 28-Dec-14 18:42:19

Will cut this short as I haven't got all night.
Been with my partner for 5 years, we are in our 20s. he has big family that all live close by (mainly consisting of interfering bitchy aunts). They are a well known family that are not particularly liked but are extremely controlling. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant. It has been building up but has all blown up tonight round one of his family members houses. I can't take the stress anymore. Living in constant fear of what they'll say next. They have never really liked me properly from the start so they need little excuse to argue about me. My partner understands what they're like, but if they keep trying to turn him against me, will this ever truly work? I'm so down and upset. I never thought I would have to think about being a single mum for my babies sake and now I'm wondering what to do to escape this nightmare ;-( I can't even talk with him properly yet as we have his daughter over tonight. Please help

Hidingthefear Sun 28-Dec-14 19:08:34

Is there anyone in your family or friends that knows what it's like that you Could chat too? Or even better anyone in his family that understands? Sometimes someone who knows the situation Could offer help.
If your still together after 5 years it would seem that they can't turn him against you despite trying? Maybe try and hold on to that thought until you get chance to chat when his daughter goes home.
me and DH's mum used to hate each other and had a couple of screaming matches once resulting in him not being allowed home but now you'd never know we didn't used to get on. Your situation seems like it's gone on for much longer, what does your partner think the solution would be and does he know it's gone on for so long?
Wish I could offer some advice sad xx

davejudgement Sun 28-Dec-14 19:10:18

Sound like a bunch of cunts; I'd be tempted to leave town.

Roseylee20 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:16:10

Hi Hiding, that's nice to hear that you both now get on. I have my mum who
I'll be able to talk to, but she's currently away and back on Tuesday. Trying not to feel guilty for my baby is really hard too. I forgot to mention that my partners ex (mum of 5 year old) split up with him whilst she was pregnant- though before they found out supposedly, I have an inkling she may have knew. I'm now wondering why it was exactly she left, as none of his family have ever liked her either. It's all starting to come together and I really don't blame her for leaving him as awful as that sounds. I love him a lot and feel extremely guilty for saying this but does the apple really ever fall far from the tree? I've never tried to turn him against them obviously, but where they don't like me, will it interfere in our relationship forever? :-( Thanks for your message x

Roseylee20 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:17:20

Davejudgement, you have managed to string my whole post into just a few words! I wish it was as easy to leave town

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 19:19:19

Sounds like you both need to distance yourselves from them. Practically can you move before the baby comes?

Why would you not be able to talk to him once the 5 year old has gone to sleep? Is it likely to escalate to a row? I don't see why it would when he seems to get how unpleasant these people are.

Meerka Sun 28-Dec-14 19:29:43

The apple does sometimes fall far from the tree actually. Often it doesn't though, sadly!

In the end your partner needs to put you first over his family if it comes down to the crunch. It shouldn't come to that but sometimes a person's family is so unpleasant that it can end up a 'them or the partner' situation.

If it's the only solution then yes, moving is perhaps the best option ( I take it that talking to the aunts won't help, it'd be like pissing upwards above your head?).

About him falling far from the tree - you may like him, but what is his underlying character like?

Does he talk arguments through and try to compromise? Does he expect to help keep the house in a good condition (ie, does he pull his weight). Does he treat you with respect? If he does or is genuinely trying to, that's a very good sign.

RL20 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:39:03

Tribpot, I think that's what we perhaps will do, once she has gone to sleep. I'm dreading it. Where's that carpet that people just brush things under? :-( Meerka, they have been so controlling of him all of his life, as they are with everyone else, I just hope he does choose me and the baby. I've been thinking, if he doesn't, what is he going back to? He doesn't live with his family he lives with me, so essentially they think he'd be better off alone, with another child that he won't be able to bring up with a partner (as like I said we only have his daughter every other weekend). A comment that I heard tonight that was said to him, regarding them seeing his daughter, was "it should be family first". I have never answered back before so I said "family over who exactly?" As me and the baby are his family as much as anyone else! And this is when to escalated! Oh what a situation ;-( x

Spopssas Sun 28-Dec-14 19:55:16

Not sure why you got pregnant with him? You must have witnessed it all if you have been together five years? Why would you put yourself in this situation? Wishing you luck though.

Allingoodfaith Sun 28-Dec-14 20:17:01

op I'm still barreling with a mil that is just the same. People don't change when a baby comes they just often gets worse.

I'm doing my best to go NC and am slowly putting steps in place. It's so hard. Mil ruined my pregnancy x

RL20 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:46:12

Allingoodfaith, how are you coping with the situation?
And I'm with him for him.. Things have progressively got worse with them since the pregnancy. They like to mix things up a bit when people are down. I appreciate it's a hard situation to relate to or listen to when you don't know the people. Thanks anyway

Physcobitch Sun 28-Dec-14 23:33:28

I've been in your position and stayed got married beautiful Baby and nithing has changed. My inlaws are the vilest people I've ever met. However IF your DP loves you you'll get through this he'll stand up to them
And tell them to back off. If he can't do that then leave...I'm
Still battling with my DH over IL all because he has no balls. I wish I'd left no matter how much I love him

RL20 Mon 29-Dec-14 09:50:19

Physco I'm sorry to hear you're in the same position. I wasn't brought up in a family like that, my family don't argue with each other, perhaps because they are a bit older and a lot wiser, rather than being wrapped in this weird selfish bubble. I find it bizarre!! And soul destroying at the least! By the time she had gone sleep last night it was fairly late so we just sort of left it and said we want to fri get about it. Although it will get brought up again as I won't be visiting any of his family! I will have to sit him down and explain that if that's what he wants to do, I won't be coming with him. I haven't been brought up around arguments so you can bet my baby isn't going to either. Makes me angry thinking about them! It's a shame your situation hasn't got any better, but I think mine will be the same too!

RL20 Mon 29-Dec-14 09:52:23

And I'm sad to hear you wish you'd have left. If I have to leave for my sanity and my baby then hopefully I'll have the strength to do it as heartbreaking as it'll be

FelineLou Mon 29-Dec-14 10:52:30

Drop the rope. Smile and agree through gritted teeth and just don't let them get to you. Should be family first - sweet smile " Oh I do agree we are (meaning you and partner) a very happy family"
They have no power over you and your partner: they are not your bosses and can only have screaming matches with screamers. A smile and a raised eyebrow puts them back in their box. Join the Downton Abbey bunch.
Mutters of Jeremy Kyle may make you feel better.

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